Thursday, July 21, 2011

Trying to get drunk enough to stop the tears

I hate crying myself to sleep. I especially hate it when my oblivious spouse is snoring beside me. So I got back up and am currently working on my fourth glass of wine for the evening. I spent dinner pleasantly drunk but the buzz wore off before bed. I realize I sound like a major alcoholic right now, but I don't really care. Given my stupid useless body's poor response to most medication, alcohol is really the only relief I get from crippling cramps when my period starts. It just so happens that today I am in mourning and the haze is especially welcome.

By the way - for all of you ladies with severe endo like I have - you have to try cataflam. It works amazingly well. Of course, if you are sensitive to NSAIDS like I am you will think you are having a heart attack when the acid reflux kicks in, so you have to pick your poison. Hence the alcohol. I'd rather deal with the wine hangover than the severe chest pain for days.

I wish there was someone around here I could talk to that gets this. (Hope - if you're reading I don't mean to exclude you - pregnant people are hard to be around right now. I hope you understand, and I hope everything is going well for you). The friends I could call include 2 pregnant women, one of whom is unemployed (along with her husband) and purposely got pregnant with her third when the second isn't even two yet, a 37 year old virgin, a woman who couldn't be bothered to take the pill and has had several abortions, and my sister who has access to the best medical money can buy. You can see that I have trouble with resentment in pretty much all these cases. I realize I sound like a stuck up bitch but I know when something will cause more harm than good.

I feel stupid for being this upset. I knew this was the likely outcome. I already have a 5 year old miracle. There are so many worse problems to have. But no matter how long I lecture myself it doesn't change the image in my head, the image of a baby that didn't even make it past a pound, who's head was so fluid filled I was afraid it would break open just from me holding him. I KNOW that having another baby won't make that go away, I just don't want that to be the end to this story.

It would really help if my husband would get a clue and NOT solicit sex from me when I am hurting this bad over my body's failure. He has never gotten the hint that since Aiden died I have equated sex with making a baby and him asking for it when it is clear it is just for recreation is not helping me. It's not that I don't love him or find him attractive, it's that I don't love ME. I am broken, and fat, and ugly, and useless. I have absolutely no desire to remind myself that sex will not get me what I want most. I just can't separate it the way he can, I wish I could.

I didn't expect to be so angry. I hope the days ahead get better. I almost lost it at work today. One of my very liberal co-workers was complaining about a draconian abortion law and I (very stridently) pointed out the most women find out something is wrong at 20 weeks, at which point there are no options in this area. If he didn't know how my baby died before, he probably does now. I cried all the way home and can't seem to stop. I was reminded again that the state I live in would have been happy to force me to be a life support machine, but wouldn't have helped at all once the baby was born with so many horrible problems. How can a baby with no stomach be considered viable?

Anybody have sad/angry song recommendations? I think I will need some more music therapy in the next few weeks.

I think I am drunk enough to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.

4 comments:

  1. Just want to send you so much love. I don't pretend for one second to understand what you're going through, but I want you to know I care. I've been quiet of late, but I'm always here reading.
    xo

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  2. Sending you love. I wish there was more I could do. I'm just thinking of you and hoping that you start to feel better soon. I don't pretend to know what it feels like either, but I can see how terrible it is.

    And I'm glad you are staying away from those that are a trigger. You have to take care of you right now. That is the most important thing.

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  3. Hi... it sucks what you are going through.
    My heart tightened reading what you wrote.

    You never think as a little girl or a teenager that " Hey! I want this to be my life!"... You hear about other people's stories and you think " how horrible... I don't know how they manage to keep going! ... It's more than any one person should have to deal with..."

    Unfortunately, without our wanting it, some of us became those "other people". We never asked for or dreamed of this type of misery for our life! Who would want to!! You have every right to be angry, sad, hurt, resentful and all the rest of the emotions that go with the loss of a child, loss of faith in your body, self esteem, your dreams and the life you thought was coming. It SUCKS! (yes... I'm having a bit of a difficult time dealing as well)

    Having an existing child does not negate the want or need to have another child. If it did, why would anyone have more than one?!?! I swear under my breath at my friends who tell me, "...Why do you need to get pregnant. Some people don't even have one child. You are lucky, you already have a beautiful child. You need to love her. " As if I didn't know all that!!!

    Yes, some people have it worse. I hate to seem uncaring but... we are not living their life. There will always be "worse" out there. "Worse" is subjective. To many, many people you have it worse than them! THEY have ALL their children and they had few difficulties getting pregnant. They have what we covet.

    Please don't beat yourself up (though I know that sometimes it is the only thing that makes sense or feels right).
    All your emotions are there for a reason and I believe that it is totally unhealthy to push them away, or ignore them. They are valid emotions (they must be because I feel the same way much of the time!!) and we shouldn't punish ourselves for them.
    Believe it or not, you are so much more emotionally healthy than other people!
    You MUST BE in order to live with all that you are dealing with.

    My heart and love goes out to you and I'm sending huge enveloping hugs. Please look after yourself and be kind to yourself. Our boys would like that, I think.

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  4. I totally understand your feelings but do know I'm only a call or drive away if you really need someone. I won't pretend to know your pain but I'm a great leaning post :)

    I'm here if you need me and know I'm thinking of you!

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