I started today. So yesterday was the last day that there was any hope that I might some day hold an infant of mine again.
I am beaten by this thing. I'm so fucking angry that I can't contain it. It spills into everything. I can't deal with my daughter's sudden defiant streak. I can't deal with my husband's thoughtlessness or my crazy co-worker's ridiculous problems. I want to get roaring drunk and hide for a few days. I want to scream and cry and HURT SOMETHING.
There seems to be no release. The people I am close to can't seem to STOP getting pregnant. Even my own husband doesn't get it. I just told him yesterday that I would start today or tomorrow and he couldn't figure out why I was in a bad mood today. I think he still doesn't understand that I'm not just disappointed. This isn't another bump. This is the giant fucking concrete wall on the edge of the grand canyon. There is no more maybe, no hope, no miracle. There is so very little chance of ever having the cash for a medicated cycle or a private adoption. He won't consider legal risk or foster care, which is the only way to get an infant from foster care. So this end is much more final than all the others. I think part of me hates him for not being crushed like I am.
I am determined that this won't stop our family from growing. But I will always deeply mourn that the last time I held an infant of mine he was cold and still and so very, very small.
This blog will be changing. I am putting all this energy into our foster adoption. I don't expect much from this because I am so afraid of losing again. But I hope some of you will follow me on this new journey.
P.S. As bitter and angry as I am right now, I still want to hear about your little miracles. I just may need to take a break now and then.