I'm not sure what to do about this blog. I've had so much support here that I don't want to move it, and I don't want to leave it behind because pretty much everything I have of Aiden is here, but I'm faced with a dilemma. The way Aiden died was tragic and horrible, and because people can be closed-minded and stupid, controversial. I'm worried if I open up fully to the adoption community that I will start getting the types of hate mail I worried about in the beginning. Back then I was looking for someone to fight so I probably would have relished a troll or two, but now I don't know that I have the energy to defend my decisions.
I recently started following blogs of people that adopted from foster care. I've been looking for blogs like this for some time but only recently found the message boards that these people frequent. I subscribed to a few but left my subscriptions annonymous. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Chances are these women are largely infertile and many probably know what loss is. I kind of doubt a person willing to take in foster children would be cruel to a random stranger on the internet, but I hesitated. It's one thing to trust my pain and sadness to this wonderful community of mothers who have lost babies, it's another to open myself wider. I feel kind of fragile right now, but I need to speak with people that are going down this road I'm about to travel. This is a decision that will take some time to make, I think. For now I will remain here and hope that I continue to find such loving and supportive women.
My state of mind is slightly better. I'm still really angry but that has been helped by having a good target. My crazy neighbor at work has been actively trying to piss me off the last week and I find myself all too happy to engage. I've managed to keep it below our manager's notice but I'll have to be careful not to let it get out of hand. In the meantime it's nice to have something tangible to be angry about that doesn't involve self hate. I am afraid to sleep. I'm taking large doses of melatonin hoping I won't remember my dreams. Last night I was recovering from some horrible stomach bug and dreamed that I was going to the store to get a pregnancy test because I thought (in my dream) that the puking meant I was pregnant, period be damned. I woke up confused and wondering if I had any tests still in the drawer.
I got to work today just feeling exhausted and hopeless. I managed to shake some of it off after hearing about the most heartbreaking story. One of the girls we inquired about is still available and the heart gallery coordinator told us a little about her. She is in foster care for the SECOND time because her adoptive mother died. I cried when I read that. How much trauma is one little girl supposed to handle? And one of the main things they want to know when you adopt is how your children will be cared for if something like this happens. What was wrong with that woman that she didn't have a plan? It's possible the girl's behaviors are very hard to deal with (big surprise, poor baby) and the person that was supposed to care for her gave her up, but that's even worse. Gah! It just kills me hearing all these stories. Parents are supposed to protect their children. These kids should not be where they are, which is of course why we are doing this. But I can't take them all. I can't take the ones that are so hurt that they lash out at everyone around them. How I wish I could because those are the ones that need a family the most. I keep thinking of how I was when my mom was suicidal and I was running away. If I had been in foster care (I almost was) my file would have been full of red flags. Who would have taken me? But I find myself in the position of having to be picky, because I have to protect the child we already have. That seems particularly ironic right now. How I wish I had the answers or a magic ball. I have a feeling I am just beginning to learn what hard is.