Monday, March 7, 2011

Trying one more time

I still haven't heard anything from the foster adoption agency. The longer this is taking, the harder I find it to keep my nerve. I am very nervous about taking a child that will likely have severe emotional issues into our home. Above all else, I want my daughter to be safe. I don't want her to feel like she has to lock her bedroom door to keep her siblings from harming her. It's not that I think all kids that have been abused will be monsters (what would that make me?), it's just that I always think of the worst case scenario. I'm trying to have faith that I will be able to protect my daughter and any future children. I guess my biggest fear is making a mistake and further hurting an already very hurt child. Despite my fears, though, I find myself getting excited about the thought of parenting a teen.

But I still desperately want one last chance at an infant. I really don't care if it comes from my body, I would actually prefer not deliberately adding to the population burden on our planet. But. It's cheaper to grow a baby. Private adoptions are expensive and sometimes ethically questionable. We could get an infant if we were willing to foster but my husband won't budge on that. So it is back to me and my stupid, malfunctioning body.

I have been bleeding continuously since the end of November. Sometimes it will stop for a day or two but never longer than that. This is despite taking birth control for the last 3 1/2 months without taking the sugar pills. My doctor is giving me another, higher dose pill but doesn't want me on it for more than a month. I'm guessing the risk of blood clots and such is higher with the higher doses. So even if I wasn't trying to get pregnant again I think I would be taking this step. I have an appointment for an RE at the end of April. I figured he works with fucked up hormones all the time. He should at least be able to GET THIS FUCKING BLEEDING TO STOP. If I get knocked up along the way - hallelujah.

For today I am going to get cozy with a bottle of wine and my heating pad. I'll be busy telling the endo to fuck off.

I'm not holding my breath on the baby front. And I'm nearly certain a pregnancy wouldn't change my adoption plans at this point. I have invested a lot of time, thought and research into this option and despite my fears, it feels right. I will just have to be very, very careful that I don't end up causing a child we match with to think that we won't want him or her anymore if we happen to get a baby.

2 comments:

  1. I would like to foster or adopt in the future and I have that same fear, that an abused kid might do something to hurt my child. But I guess all anyone can do is watch out for danger signs and try and make sure opportunities for things to go wrong are limited. At the end of the day even perfectly 'normal' kids can hurt each other, or themselves - accidentally or without meaning to (which I guess isn't quite the same thing).

    thinking of you jen xx

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  2. Geez, Biojen. This is too much. I'm thinking that the freaking clouds need to break for you soon. I've been a terrible commenter but I wanted to tell you that I've been keeping up.

    I still think that the foster adopt is such a good way to go. Is there a way to pester them without getting dinged? Argh. I think that this is way worse than ANY TWW. Too much.

    Hoping that this freaking blood bath lets up NOW and that you are able to cozy up with something more exciting than a heating pad in short order. Or long order. Just that you know that it will happen, dear.

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