Monday, March 7, 2011

That look

I know that look.

You see a baby in a stroller, in a cart, in someone's arms. You look, even though you know you shouldn't. Your head follows the baby. You never notice if the parents are nervous, all you see is the baby.

Maybe you are thinking he/she might look like that. Maybe you are thinking that it's just not fair. Maybe you are thinking, that will never be me.

But the look is the same.

The half smile, the distant look, the wince of deep pain.

It never gets better. It never gets easier. If you are lucky you have someone standing next to you that knows that look and will hold you while you cry.

Note to self: Do not watch movies with barren women in them when drinking your way through a horrible period.

I feel like such a selfish bitch. I'm staying up late to keep an eye on my sick daughter. That WAS me with the adorable baby in a sling that you saw in the store. I'm sure I caused my share of jealous glances. But I still want more. I want the son I was expecting too.

I finished Julie and Julia, despite the sobbing. It was a cute movie. Now I'm going to sleep on the couch so I will hear if K gets sick again. The poor thing is sleeping upright in the recliner to control the horrible cough she has.

Good night, my lovely readers. If you know that look, I hope you won't know it for long.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, I know that look well. The other day I saw a baby in a food court. I was standing in line and I couldn't stop staring at it. I had to force myself to walk away and I notice the father's eyes following me (he was holding the baby). If only he knew why I was staring at his child.......

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  2. That was such a heart wrenching part of J/J. I have so much more love for Julia now than I ever did; it made her so tragically real.

    I am about to have a baby and I still try to be careful about looking at other people's babies. I don't want to freak them out with THAT look, as I do know exactly what you are talking about.

    I hope K is feeling better very soon!

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  3. That scene in J&J killed me. I hope K gets better soon. My thoughts are with you.

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  4. You're not a selfish bitch. Just not at all.

    I wish so bad you had your son.
    xxx

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