I'm not religious - probably even somewhat anti-religion. After my son died I wished often that I had some type of faith to fall back on. I felt so incredibly alone.
I do have a belief in a higher power, a purpose to our existence, and that we continue on in some form after death. I was able to take some solace in those beliefs, especially after this happened:
(Originally posted on Glow in the Woods)
I'm sitting here, home sick from work, writing sad and angry posts. It is a lovely day and I have both doors open to the breeze. I heard a rustle and looked up, and there in the kitchen, looking happy and mischievous, is the little wren that I named my son after. It feels like Aiden stopped to check in on me and tell me not to be sad. What a gift.
Just so no one is alarmed - the wren flew right back out again. I didn't want it to get caught in the house but I kind of hope he stops back in.
March 8, 2010 | jen
I don't remember if I wrote about this here, but the reason we chose Wren as a middle name for our son was because there was a Carolina Wren that sang on the fence just outside my window every morning after Aiden died. I had never noticed him before that, he just appeared a few days after we came home. When I watched that bird I felt peaceful and connected to my baby. It felt like he was there with me, watching that bird, maybe whispering to it to sing me a little song. So when that wren flew in the door that spring day last year, it was a message to me.
When we moved this past January, just days after Aiden's birthday, I was so sad to have to leave that wren (and his family, they had nested in my strawberries that year). Carolina wrens are very common birds and it's pretty easy to attract them, so I had plans to put up feeders and houses until I got a breeding pair at our new house.
Then something amazing happened.
My husband called me at work the day after we moved in. He was crying and he said, "you won't believe what I found in the house." He told me he heard something and went to investigate and found a Carolina wren flying around the house. He didn't have any idea how it got in and was able to take a picture. It still makes me cry to think of this. What are the chances of that happening twice in two different houses, right on the days when I really, really needed to have my baby with me?
So even if I don't believe in a God that watches over us and has "a plan", I do believe in miracles. And I believe my son is out there, bringing smiles to his mommy just like his big sister does.