Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Dread

RE appointment is tomorrow. I'm dreading it for a variety of reasons that don't seem to make much sense. First of all, I HATE that I am forced to go see a male gynecologist. I haven't seen one since I was a teenager and was treated horribly because I had the nerve to complain of abdominal pain.

- Whiny women. It's supposed to hurt. God punished Eve for that little apple incident and now you get to pay the price. Shut up and stop wasting my time. (Not that he said that of course).

Also, I have issues with strange men sticking fingers and object in there. That part is going to be really hard. But there is also the fear that this won't work. And the fear that it will work and end up the same or even worse than last time (I'm not sure what would be worse but I'm sure the universe could come up with something. And the fear that it will work and we will lose out on an adoption placement because I am pregnant. Or we will run out of money before we get a real chance at trying (the most likely scenario).

I really, really wish someone would tell me that this will never work. I have a harder time with hope than I do with the certainty that I won't get what I want. At least I could mourn the loss and move on. Instead I may not be able to give up hope until I hit menopause. This ridiculous thought that I got lucky once and could again one day will continue for YEARS. That I dread more than a simple no. This last year and change of holding onto a slim thread of hope has been very hard. I don't want to do that for years. I don't want to be bitter and angry and jealous all that time. But I can't seem to stop myself from hoping without a really good reason not to.

My husband asked me a few months ago if I wanted him to get a vasectomy so that the issue was closed and I could move on. I was PISSED. But I see his point. That, at least, would be closure.

At least tomorrow I should have a little more information. Information is always good.

5 comments:

  1. I'm thinking of you. Please update us when you can.
    xo

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  2. I hope that you can get some answers and I'm sorry that the set up with the medical professionals is far from ideal. Fingers crossed for you x

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  3. Another one who will be thinking of you tomorrow (not sure if that is today now). Keeping it all tightly crossed and I hope that you have a kind and compassionate medical professional. x

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  4. good luck Jen. Hang in there, hoping the appt went smoothly and gets you some much needed answers.

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  5. The living in limbo is hard...very hard. I can relate to what you said about just wanting to know what will happen. If it's not going to happen, you can start coming to terms with it now. I hope that the appointment goes well.

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