Monday, January 31, 2011

heart splitting open

My little girl is a master staller. When she doesn't want to go to bed she knows exactly what to say or do to stretch out the time. One of her most used techniques - and the most successful - is to talk about baby Aiden. Usually I answer her questions, tell her I miss him too, and tuck her into bed. Tonight I just spent 10 minutes muffling sobs and trying to get through her songs.

I had told her she would always be my baby and she said she was a big girl. I told her I remembered her being my little baby. She asked if I remembered baby Aiden and I said "I do."

She burst into tears and wailed, I don't!

-She didn't see him when he was born and I wonder if we should have let her.

Then she told me baby Aiden would never grow up and have a mustache like daddy.

She cried some more and asked me why we couldn't have another baby.

Yea.

That sound is all the splinters of my heart dropping on the floor.

I hate that I can't fix this. I hate that I have to tell her over and over and over that her baby brother is dead and never coming back. And if that isn't bad enough, she may never get to be a sister to a live sibling.

And the stupid cat ran away when we moved and hasn't been seen in 10 days.

I have so much more to get into - the move into the bigger house for more kids and the stalled adoption, the increasing fertility (now health) issues that could very well be related to the damn oil spill, the stress of possible job loss and various other things - I just can't get the time. I'm tired and stressed and right now have a massive migraine. I think I'll take the computer to work tomorrow and write up some posts. I think it's the only way I'll get what I need written.

2 comments:

  1. Oh Jen! I just dont even know what to say. I didn't know whether to be worried or not with you moving but I have checked here everyday and written you a few emails. Please let me help you in some way. Even if its to come and talk, I'll be there.

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  2. i'm so sorry jen. i wish i knew what to say. sending love xxx

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