Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I am continually confounded by how many things in our every day lives were affected by our baby's death.

This morning I was crying about this post at Uppercase Woman. I've been reading her for years and feel so bad for the horrible decision she may have to make. It brought back a lot of the helplessness and rage I felt when we got Aiden's diagnosis. I was dwelling on that as I left my house this morning.

We're moving into our new, bigger house tomorrow. The house that we are getting so that we can adopt, because we didn't get the child we thought we would.

While trying to figure out our taxes I had to click past the 'add a dependent' link 3 fucking times.

I spent all day on the phone with the lawyer and the bank and the real estate broker and then the IRS, trying to figure out how the hell to claim the loss on the house that was taken in the bankruptcy. The bankruptcy we wouldn't have done if our baby had lived.

At the same time that I was stressing out about money and time and things that needed to be done I was thinking that we wouldn't be getting this fabulous new house if we had another mouth to feed (and higher daycare bills) right now. We may have even had to file bankruptcy anyway. We may actually be better off financially without the 8 month old I thought we would have by now.

It boggles the mind.

I found out today, when I was very stressed indeed, that my baby sister will not be coming to live in this area. Instead she is moving to Alaska. I have no hope of getting to Alaska and she may not get leave to come here. I am crushed by this news. She is the only family member I have left that is sane and not one of my abusers. I miss her horribly. I've seen her twice since my wedding in 2003 - once when I stayed with her for a week after losing my job and once when she came down here and stood with me to watch my son die. Less than happy, stress free visits. I wanted her here so badly. I don't have friends I can rely on when I have a bad day like this. I just wanted someone I loved to be near (other than my husband, of course).

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.


  1. Hoping for you, girl. Hang in there--sending you a hug.

    For what it's worth, if I lived near you I'd take you out for a glass or seven of wine tonight :)

  2. Awww hunny...I'm here...its a little bit of a drive but I'm always a call or email away :/

    I'm so sorry about your sister moving so far away :(

    We missed you last night at Share...we'll have to catch up soon

  3. oh jen it's just not fair.

    i'm so sorry about your sister. you couldn't get much further away from where you are and still be on the same continent, could you? it's one thing on top of another. you must miss her so much.

    it's hard not having family nearby. i'm sorry yours is getting even further away :(

    sending love xxx

  4. I'm sorry things are sucky right now. Grief is a sneaky creature and likes to come an visit me unexpectedly as well. Like when the yearly health insurance summary comes and his name is still on it even though he was never alive this year. Bleh. Hope you can find more peace.