Friday, November 18, 2011

Murdering fish

I just got back from a 4 day conference for work. I've been fighting off a cold since last Sunday and just finally succumbed to complete misery today. I stayed home with my throbbing head and overstuffed sinuses but there is very little chance I will get much rest today. I'm trying desperately to get enough function back to save what's left of my poor fish.

I've been very neglectful lately. I knew my tank was getting dirty and really needed some fresh water, but it wasn't until I had a casualty last week that I tested the water. The nitrate and nitrite readings are high; I am poisoning my poor fish with their own wastes. I tried to clean the tank last weekend but was so busy that I didn't get to it. Then I left early Monday and got back late last night. Since Monday I have lost 3 more fish. I wish my husband was a little less useless in these matters and had done something when the first fish died, but I am on my own. This is causing some distress this morning because I am so miserable with this stupid cold that I REALLY don't want to clean the damn tank, but one of the remaining fish is closely linked in my mind to the short little life and tragic death of my son. You see, when I was pregnant with Aiden I bought a bunch of dalmatian molly fish. I did not know that they breed like guppies. Just after we got our horrible news about Aiden just about all the the fish had babies. Suddenly we went from 6 fish to dozens of fish. I was very resentful. I was mad that those fish were having babies while mine was dying inside me. K was thrilled so I kept up a good front for her but I hated those stupid fertile fish.

Enter two weeks later, approximately. I can't remember if this started before or after Aiden actually died, but a weird disease hit all of my fish. They started losing the ability to move their back fins. After a while most of the fish were swimming around in circles with their bodies bent in a C shape. I was horrified. Apparently I can't keep anything healthy and alive. I lost almost all of the fish pretty quickly. Only one little baby Molly survived and a couple of wild ones. I have added wild fish accidentally caught at work since this happened but I've been reluctant to buy more fish because I don't think the disease, whatever the heck it it, is gone. The molly is still alive and it seemed important to keep it that way. I'm not particularly attached to it, but it's survival was a sort of sign to me that maybe I don't kill everything I touch. So now my neglect has caused the deaths of most of the wild fish and that Molly is still hanging on. She doesn't look too great but she is still alive. I'm really hoping I can get off this couch long enough to keep it that way. I know I will be sad when she is finally gone.

I guess if I can't find the energy to clean the 40 gallon tank I can put the survivors in a bowl for now. I just wish this once I could wallow in my misery and be sick without any damn obligations. Stupid fish.

There - whining is out of my system, time to go save some fish.

1 comment:

  1. Oh the dreaded fish tank. We finally got rid of ours, only 25 gallons, as the cleaning and water balancing was too much for us! And it's so awful when they get ill and you feel you've let them down.

    All the emotions tied in with your Aiden as well. Ach, so difficult. Hope it was a nice, easy clean for you, I know it can be quite the chore xo