First of all, thanks for all the amazing support. Within 24 hours I had a local contact that has been through this, membership in an amazing and supportive group, and several leads on things to try to help our situation. What seemed so bleak the other day is now looking like we can survive it. I could not have been where I am today without this blog and the amazing women who comment and went out of their way to help a stranger.
I feel kind of bad for my last title and how harsh I was on my husband, but I am still pretty mad about how he handled things. He really does need to grow up some more and face his own failings but I now believe he understands that, which I didn't before.
One thing I didn't mean to imply (that I think I did) was that my husband had left for good. He didn't say he was never coming back, he said he wouldn't come back that night. I was furious about that because he knew I was not physically capable of taking care of a crises and I felt abandoned. I wasn't sure I wanted him to come back because I was sure things would keep going this way and I'd have a newborn in the house with all the screaming and escalating physical violence. After we both managed to calm down and actually talk instead of arguing, I realized he was even more devastated than I was because he thought he was losing his entire family and he didn't think he would survive that after losing our son.
While I was gone on appointments he came home to pick up some things, thinking that I didn't want him back (because I kind of implied that). He left a note for me and a note for Flower. He apologized profusely for losing his cool and tried to explain how his life and the way he grew up left him with some inappropriate defense mechanisms that were getting in the way of having healthy relationships. I've know for a long time that he had issues that he needed to work on and I've tried to get him to see that. I never realized, because he never told me, that he had listened and understood. Now it is just that he needs to figure out what to do about it. This gave me some hope that we could work this out, although I am still quite worried about him continuing the same behavior.
He also told me that he really thought the police were on the way and they would make him leave anyway. I tried to tell him during the crises that it would be better to talk to them and try to get things straightened out, but he wouldn't hear me. He had a friend in a similar situation that was told to leave so he was sure that is what would have happened. When I texted him that they weren't coming I was pretty angry and he assumed I didn't want him to come back. From what I wrote I can see his point. He tried to call and I didn't answer so he stayed away. Having this explanation made me feel a little less abandoned but I did make it clear that it was not okay for him to leave me to deal with all this right now. I told him I wanted him home and Flower did too. She even wrote him an apology and made some cookies to make up for fighting with him.
After hearing more of his story I wish the police had been called. We need some documentation that Flower is getting more violent and more willing to inflict harm instead of just threatening it. She was trying to kick him when he grabbed her arm and she has been throwing things at him. He told me he thought we would be okay with her because she only acts like that with him and calms down when it is just me. This has been the case but he had no way of knowing it would always be the case. I still think it was thoughtless and dangerous to leave me and sunshine alone with her. For that reason I am really reluctant to have both Flower and the Professor in the house without another adult after we bring the baby home and until I recover. Fortunately we have a solution for that. My brother has offered to stay for a couple of weeks. His daughter has very similar mental health issues to Flower's. My niece was never abused or in foster care, but she has similar rages and defiance and other difficult behaviors. A lesson for those that think adopted kids are disposable - they aren't the only ones that can cause havoc in families.
So anyway, things are improving and largely because of your support. Thank you so much for offering it. I'm probably staying home for now so I'm hoping I can write in more detail about our therapy and what we are going to try next.