Friday, January 4, 2013

Exhaustion

I keep having this panicky feeling every morning when I get up lately that I just can't do this. I don't have the reserves to get through another day of going to work, going to appointments, running errands, coming home to chaos and trying to calm everyone down, making dinner, fighting with my spouse, fighting to get the 6 year old in bed, and then falling in to bed completely spent only to toss for hours.

Just last night my husband was yelling at the kids that I shouldn't be getting stressed out because it could put me in labor too soon. Ha. Apparently he hasn't gotten the memo that when your very, very stressed and 8 month pregnant wife calls you at work to ask you to take care of something, it is not wise to say "when I get to it".

I really don't know what to do with our situation. I have engaged all the help I can find. I am at the absolute limits of my physical abilities (probably beyond them if I'm being honest), and it isn't enough. I literally have some kind of appointment every day. Some are for me, many are for Flower or the family as a whole. Just the scheduling alone is exhausting me. I keep thinking if I can just hold everything together until the baby is born it will be okay. Then I remember I'll still be dealing with all this shit, but with no sleep and a very dependent infant (there is still a small part of my brain that says I won't have to worry about the baby part). I'm going to need residential treatment after all this.

Flower is threatening daily to drop out of school and run away. Either she or a boy she is probably having sex with broke down our side door the other day because she lost her house key. She also broke the frame on her bedroom door. The dryer outlet is fried and we can't call the landlord to fix it because if he sees the other damage we might get evicted.

Sunshine is in absolute hysterics that her dad and/or her big sister might leave and never come back. I think she is also very anxious about me having the baby because the last time I had a baby I disappeared for two days and came home very, very broken. The family counselor thinks we should set up individual counseling for her as well. I can't imagine how I could possibly fit that in.

Things are not calm around here, people. I will not be mentioning this week to my chiropractor, she may very well kidnap me and stash me in a hotel until I give birth.

I am close to my limit for stress but I did call in sick today so I could get some quiet and rest. Maybe I need to consider leaving work early, even if that would be a major financial burden.

I did just get a much needed perspective check - 3 years ago today I was holding a box instead of a baby and wondering how I would keep breathing. I think I'll take today over that day.

5 comments:

  1. Light and love to you.
    Life does seem to enjoy making us work hard for what we want. Making sure we second guess ourselves the whole way. *sigh*

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  2. Jen I just don't know what to say. I can't offer any advice. You are dealing with so many difficult issues. I'm glad you called in sick today and I just wish that I lived near enough to help. Not that I could help with any of the issues with Sunshine and Flower, those are way outside of my line of experience. Perhaps I could clean the floors or do laundry? I'm pretty good at both of those. Sigh.

    The scheduling can get pretty demanding. I had the high-risk pregnancy plus one child I was trying to rush into appointments and that was ENOUGH. More than enough.

    Oh you are just such a caring mama and you are going above and beyond on so many fronts. For Flower. For Sunshine. For this little one.

    And my dear. I've got that same perspective but it doesn't mean that you can't be stressed and pissed off and overwhelmed. You are more than entitled to all of that and then some. I do think that, if it is at all possible, you should leave work early. It's just another set of demands that you don't need to worry about.

    Hang on in there.

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  3. Know I am thinking of you. If there is any way to make it work out to stop working now, I strongly suggest doing it. You are the rock and foundation of your family. You need to makesure your oxygen mask is properly inplace, like asap.

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  4. Jen I can only imagine how you are coping. Just keep on putting one foot in front of another, that's probably all you can do (and all you are already doing). Is there no way to get your husband to pick up some of this scheduling? Would flower help a bit with sunshine (maybe less challenging than asking her to help you). I dunno, I am sure you have been through all of the possibilities. My thoughts are with you.

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