I keep having this panicky feeling every morning when I get up lately that I just can't do this. I don't have the reserves to get through another day of going to work, going to appointments, running errands, coming home to chaos and trying to calm everyone down, making dinner, fighting with my spouse, fighting to get the 6 year old in bed, and then falling in to bed completely spent only to toss for hours.
Just last night my husband was yelling at the kids that I shouldn't be getting stressed out because it could put me in labor too soon. Ha. Apparently he hasn't gotten the memo that when your very, very stressed and 8 month pregnant wife calls you at work to ask you to take care of something, it is not wise to say "when I get to it".
I really don't know what to do with our situation. I have engaged all the help I can find. I am at the absolute limits of my physical abilities (probably beyond them if I'm being honest), and it isn't enough. I literally have some kind of appointment every day. Some are for me, many are for Flower or the family as a whole. Just the scheduling alone is exhausting me. I keep thinking if I can just hold everything together until the baby is born it will be okay. Then I remember I'll still be dealing with all this shit, but with no sleep and a very dependent infant (there is still a small part of my brain that says I won't have to worry about the baby part). I'm going to need residential treatment after all this.
Flower is threatening daily to drop out of school and run away. Either she or a boy she is probably having sex with broke down our side door the other day because she lost her house key. She also broke the frame on her bedroom door. The dryer outlet is fried and we can't call the landlord to fix it because if he sees the other damage we might get evicted.
Sunshine is in absolute hysterics that her dad and/or her big sister might leave and never come back. I think she is also very anxious about me having the baby because the last time I had a baby I disappeared for two days and came home very, very broken. The family counselor thinks we should set up individual counseling for her as well. I can't imagine how I could possibly fit that in.
Things are not calm around here, people. I will not be mentioning this week to my chiropractor, she may very well kidnap me and stash me in a hotel until I give birth.
I am close to my limit for stress but I did call in sick today so I could get some quiet and rest. Maybe I need to consider leaving work early, even if that would be a major financial burden.
I did just get a much needed perspective check - 3 years ago today I was holding a box instead of a baby and wondering how I would keep breathing. I think I'll take today over that day.