Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Never fitting in

Do you ever feel that way? That something about you is just not normal and no matter what you do people will think you are odd? I've had that feeling my whole life. In a strange way being sub-fertile was a good thing for me because I finally found a community that I felt like I belonged in. But then I got pregnant, fairly easily, and then my baby died. Everything about that pregnancy made me feel alienated from everyone except the one person I've met online that has a similar story, although she has not had as much luck as I have. At least I have been able to get and stay pregnant once. But now I can't get pregnant at all, and I don't have the money for treatments. So while I can go on the infertility boards and chat with people, it really doesn't help. No one on the boards is in this place where they can't even afford injectible meds and an IUI, not that I have found. I'm also having a very hard time finding anyone that has a child and is trying to adopt through foster care.

With a single exception from SHARE, I don't have any friends in my non-computer life. I had a couple but they moved away and it has always been very hard for me to make friends. I keep hoping I will hit it off with one of my daughter's friends' parents, but nothing ever comes of my efforts. I think I'm a nice person and interesting to be around, but a lifetime of no one showing up when I throw a party has made me think there is really just something wrong with me. Obviously I have some self esteem issues or I wouldn't even be writing this post, but I thought they were well hidden.

This waiting for someone to look at our home study and think "this is the perfect family for this kid I need to find a home for" is really compounding the problem. Granted, we have only been searching for 2 months, but NO ONE has written us back. It's soul crushing to keep putting yourself out there and never getting any feedback. Do they think I am too screwed up? I was honest on our application about my awful childhood. I thought what I have been through would give me some insight into what kids need who have been through worse. I didn't think my story was all that horrible compared to some of the stories out of foster care. What if I was wrong and they all think I am broken?

Do you know what the worst part is? Watching my daughter begging for friends and/or siblings and knowing it is mostly my fault that she doesn't have either. I don't want her to grow up so horribly alone and it breaks my heart. I just don't know how to fix this. How DO you make friends that stay?

9 comments:

  1. You have had a crazy and tragic set of experiences so it is not surprising that you haven't found someone who has been through that same set. I am so sorry that it leaves you feeling really lonely. You aren't alone though. I know our histories are different but I am here, and I like you, and I am following your blog and cheering you on from the blogosphere. You are really strong and I have so much admiration for how you have dealt with losing Aiden and now jumping so confidently into foster adoption. You are amazing. Your daughter is lucky to have you as a mom. And don't blame yourself for her circle of friends. She will make them on her own, there isn't much you can do on that front. And remember, there are lots of really happy single children out there. I think kids have a way of knowing when asking for a sibling hits a nerve and so they keep going with it. My nephew has done this incessantly with my sister, and it has broken her heart over and over (and he knows it). Hold your daughter and husband tight and remind yourself that they love you too and you really aren't as alone as it feels. This adoption process sounds really rough, like re-living junior high school and all of those horrible insecurities.

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  2. I have a lousy and miserable time making friends. I have 2 good ones now, and a few tangential ones.

    I've learned in the last 3 years, it's ok for me to have good friends in the computer. I try to reach out a bit more, get to the point where I'm phoning those people etc. I've met some other bloggers in real life, and that's great.

    As for making friends, I've always found it happens when I am least expecting it.

    I'm sorry Jen. This is so hard for you and I just wish I could wrap you up in a nice soft blanket and take care of you for a bit longer.

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  3. This community is one of the only positive things to come out of dealing with loss and IF, isn't it? I have felt much of how you feel my whole life, too, (not fitting in, I moved away from home and don't have many friends) and it's difficult. Now, I'm struggling to fit in again. Although I was blessed enough to have my rainbow baby, I don't feel like I quite fit in with other "moms" (if that makes sense).

    I hope that the adoption process gets easier. (((HUGS)))

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  4. I wish I had the answers. I often feel the same way, it is like being in High School all over again, and I did not like HS so much.
    I am so sorry you are feeling so alone. I think my/ our loss makes it feel funny. I feel like a baby loss fake b/c I do not always say how my loss happened.
    Sending lots of love to you...

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  5. I feel you on the friends thing, though a little differently. I am pretty good at making friends, I am always talking to someone even in line at the grocery store. My issue is that I will put groups of women together and then they will become better friends and leave me out. It still stings when I think back about it. I too have meet wonderful women thru the online community and now we facebook and have occasional conversations. But it is still different than having that friend to come bring you ice cream when you are upset. I am SO sorry you feel so alone and I know I don't comment all the time, but I am thinking of you and your son. (((HUGS)))

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  6. If you can figure out the whole making friends that stay thing, write a book. You'd make enough money for all of those treatments. {{sarcastic}}

    Seriously tho, I've always felt like an outsider. I was smarter than most of my peers in school. My parents made more money but we lived in a blue collar neighborhood because they had different priorities. I thought once I got to choose where I lived and where I worked that I would have at least one friend. I know people I can ask if I need my dogs fed while I'm on vacation but they aren't who I would call when I lose a placement.

    Hang in there. You're really not alone.

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  7. *snif* You guys all made me cry. I don't discount my friends on the internet, although I feel a little weird asking for more personal contact info. If you do want to facebook/skype/email, I would definitely like to do that. The support I've found here has been amazing and I've met some brave and lovely women through this blog and the ALI community.

    It's funny that this post was written. When I sat down to write last night I had something totally different in mind. I was going to talk about the ethical dilemmas I am having with adopting and this just came spilling out. I guess it's been stewing in my mind a lot lately.

    Thanks, ladies. As always you know just what to say and help me feel not so alone.

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  8. many hugs :) When the time is right I'd love to get the girls together for a playdate. Just know I'm always thinking of ya!

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  9. I'm sorry. It must be really, really difficult to put yourself out there with the home study. I think you did the right thing, being honest about your childhood, and I think you are right, it will give you an understanding of the needs of kids who have been through difficult situations.

    It is hard when you feel you don't fit in anywhere. I feel I don't really fit in with the baby loss community or the micro preemie community and I definitely don't fit in with the other "moms" and I also feel guilty that my daughter may have missed out on having friends because I find it harder to mix with other people these days. It's an awful feeling.

    I wish it wasn't so tough xo

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