Do you ever feel that way? That something about you is just not normal and no matter what you do people will think you are odd? I've had that feeling my whole life. In a strange way being sub-fertile was a good thing for me because I finally found a community that I felt like I belonged in. But then I got pregnant, fairly easily, and then my baby died. Everything about that pregnancy made me feel alienated from everyone except the one person I've met online that has a similar story, although she has not had as much luck as I have. At least I have been able to get and stay pregnant once. But now I can't get pregnant at all, and I don't have the money for treatments. So while I can go on the infertility boards and chat with people, it really doesn't help. No one on the boards is in this place where they can't even afford injectible meds and an IUI, not that I have found. I'm also having a very hard time finding anyone that has a child and is trying to adopt through foster care.
With a single exception from SHARE, I don't have any friends in my non-computer life. I had a couple but they moved away and it has always been very hard for me to make friends. I keep hoping I will hit it off with one of my daughter's friends' parents, but nothing ever comes of my efforts. I think I'm a nice person and interesting to be around, but a lifetime of no one showing up when I throw a party has made me think there is really just something wrong with me. Obviously I have some self esteem issues or I wouldn't even be writing this post, but I thought they were well hidden.
This waiting for someone to look at our home study and think "this is the perfect family for this kid I need to find a home for" is really compounding the problem. Granted, we have only been searching for 2 months, but NO ONE has written us back. It's soul crushing to keep putting yourself out there and never getting any feedback. Do they think I am too screwed up? I was honest on our application about my awful childhood. I thought what I have been through would give me some insight into what kids need who have been through worse. I didn't think my story was all that horrible compared to some of the stories out of foster care. What if I was wrong and they all think I am broken?
Do you know what the worst part is? Watching my daughter begging for friends and/or siblings and knowing it is mostly my fault that she doesn't have either. I don't want her to grow up so horribly alone and it breaks my heart. I just don't know how to fix this. How DO you make friends that stay?