This is NOT fair.

I am bleeding AGAIN. This is the third heavy and PAINFUL period in the last 6 weeks. They are coming exactly two weeks apart, without ovulation. What the hell is my body trying to do to me?

I'm beginning to suspect that I do have fibroids or polyps. I have never had anything like this happen before. It is starting to freak me out and I'm more than a little pissed. This is making Halloween pretty difficult but I'm very grateful it was this weekend and not next (hopefully). I'd be really angry if I couldn't walk for Aiden next week because of my idiot body.

I'm going to share a picture of my daughter in her costume soon. She was so incredibly cute. If you can't look, I understand. She is such a big part of my life that I can't leave her out of these pages, but I don't want to hurt anyone with constant reminders. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday - Halloween has always been my favorite.

Hiding

I've been hiding all week. I'm getting kind of sick of it. I knew this winter would be hard. I've started passing all the one year dates. One year since I found out I was pregnant has been and gone. My life has changed so fundamentally that it feels like much, much longer than a year. My relationship with my mother in law is completely destroyed. At the moment I have no desire to try to repair it. My faith that things can work out is gone. My belief in the basic goodness and kindness of most people is gone. Any comfort I had in my body is long, long gone.

This week has been pretty hard. I went to a three day professional conference in another town. I was really looking forward to the trip. I was stoked that I would get two uninterrupted nights of sleep and that I would get to go out and eat with some friends and not worry about much. Ha.

The very first thing that happened is that I sat down in the lobby across from a woman who looked about five months pregnant. Normally that just makes me a little sad, but I don't run away screaming. After all - that did work out for me once. Little did I know. As I was trying to ignore the conversation and congratulations, I hear her tell everyone her baby's name was Aiden. Fucking OW. I left. I went to my room and sobbed for an hour. I missed the only talk that evening and had to make up an excuse. The rest of the conference was spent worrying that I would hear that name again and get stuck listening to her talk about baby showers. There was another very pregnant woman there and I just couldn't seem to get away from them. In a conference with over 100 people, I ended up with them sitting very close to me at almost every talk I made it to.

Which brings me to today. Today is my office Halloween party. Last year at this party I hadn't told anyone but my boss that I was pregnant. There was a woman there who had what I thought was the coolest costume. She had glued a bunch of tentacles, eyes, and teeth to a white t-shirt that was stretched over her pregnant belly. There was red paint everywhere to make it look like a monster was bursting out of her stomach. Now I think that is morbid and gross but at the time I thought it was hilarious. I wanted so badly to tell everyone I was pregnant and do a cute costume like that, but I wasn't sure I was "safe" yet. I knew I couldn't go to that party this year and rather than try to make excuses, I just stayed home. I really do have a migraine but it normally wouldn't have stopped me from going to work.

We have plans to be gone during Christmas and New Years so I have more hiding to do. I've been really angry that all my dates have revolved around holidays but at the same time it gives me a great excuse to disappear. I wish I could just tell people - "I don't want to be happy today, my baby died" and have them understand and be sympathetic. But I don't trust that they will respond the way I need them to. The people that are supposed to love me and support me didn't - why should near strangers? So I'm hiding.

In other news - I haven't had a chance to post this and I'm kicking myself for it. I'm running the 5K for March of Dimes next week. I wanted to do something to help prevent what happened to us. More people should be aware that the standard dose of folic acid may not be enough so I am supporting the research that March of Dimes does to prevent birth defects like Aiden's. I put up a widget if anyway has some spare change to contribute. Well wishes are equally appreciated.

CD who the hell knows

I FINALLY stopped bleeding, the day after taking the first progesterone. I really wish I had thought of that 3 freaking weeks ago. I can't wait to see if my blood count is low.

I was told not to do any um, activities, until after the antibiotic is finished and I get the ultrasound, just to make sure everything is cleared up. I'm sure that means I will ovulate next week and have a perfect 14 luteal phase, cause that's the way my body likes to do things. It is kind of nice to not worry about a cycle, though.

In other news - Adoption applications are DONE! I'm turning them in tomorrow. Woo hoo! I'm nervous, wish me luck.

That went well I suppose

I love my doctor. She is always kind and never condescending. She remembers my background and doesn't talk down to me. That is so very rare.

Here's the game plan:
Progesterone to stop this ridiculous bleeding, and two antibiotics for one week in case the pain and bleeding are being caused by a bacterial infection. She took a culture but said the one she suspects is very hard to grow and might not show up.

I'm scheduled for a saline enhanced ultrasound and endometrial biopsy on the 11th. Sounds painful. She wants to check for polyps and fibroids and see what my lining is doing. I'm really grateful she is trying to do what she can for me in regards to fertility testing. Never once did she recommend birth control. She seems to have a good opinion of the one and only fertility specialist around here, so come January I may have new round of appointments and testing.

I find myself with very little hope that any of this will do any good. I'll be thrilled if I can have another baby but I just have a feeling it will never happen. Just like I had a feeling I would lose Aiden. I'm not super depressed because the adoption plan is coming along, at least we have a plan B. But I will always regret not getting a chance to hear that first little cry again.

Appointment tomorrow

I've now been bleeding for 20 days. This isn't the first time that's happened but things are definitely way more screwed up then they've ever been before. I don't know what to expect. If she tells me to take birth control I may explode. I'm nervous something new is wrong that I can't fix. I'm worried that my insurance won't cover anything. I wish I could just stop dealing with this damn, useless, broken body of mine.

I'll update as soon as I can, please keep your fingers crossed that I get good news for once.

Wow. Really?

Oh, my mother in law.

I wrote this 29 days after giving birth to Aiden. Things have really only gotten worse since then. This week really takes the cake.

Last week I stopped by my MIL's house to get something to surprise my husband with for our anniversary. The previous week she had demanded that we watch her stupid, spoiled dog. The dog managed to destroy our rented house in 2 days. My husband took her back to MIL's house and left her alone (with adequate food and water) for four days. I wasn't sure if the dog was dead or MIL was just pissed that we didn't watch her the whole week, since she hadn't called us, so when I got to her house I was listening for the dog. She normally wears a collar with bells on it and you can hear her coming. I got to the front door and saw that the screen door and front window were open. I didn't check if the door was locked but did hear bells. I assumed the dog was okay and MIL wasn't home. I unlocked the door and went in. I didn't notice until much later that the dog was not wearing her collar. My MIL's back door was wide open and some lights were on. At first I thought she was home and her car was gone - it is a POS and always in the shop. Then I thought she had run to the store and not locked up.

Well - it turns out she was robbed. The bells I heard were the bells on her backdoor. They rang as the robbers ran out the back door, while I was coming in the front.

My MIL called my husband that night and cried and cried about the $700 and jewelry that was stolen. She was apparently unconcerned that I had been lucky not to get hurt. But here is the good part: the woman who didn't call us for 2 months after OUR SON DIED complained to her son that he didn't call and check on her. She actually said, "since you can't call me and check on me." And this phone call came on our anniversary.

Today she called to bitch at my husband that he needs to come over and fix her damn shower, install a wall-mounted safe, and find out what kind of computer she should get.

My husband showed much more restraint than I would have. I'm sure you can imagine what I would say - it starts with an F and ends in you.

Bitch.

really TMI - don't say I didn't warn you

I love my Diva cup, but days like today make even me squeamish. I have not stopped bleeding since my period started on the 1st of the month. It was mostly light after the first few days but all of a sudden on Sunday it got much, much heavier. I also had severe cramps and still do. I'm starting to get worried, this is really weird, even for me.

I'm bleeding so heavy that I filled up the cup in a couple of hours. I had to dump it at a gas station while I was out in the field and it looked like someone had been murdered in the bathroom. There was so much blood I really wondered if I should go to the hospital. I'm still kind of nervous although the flow has slowed down now. The cramps are bad, motrin is not helping. I just have no idea what the hell is going on. I was going to try to get my GYN's help in conning the insurance company and have her order an HSG for suspected fibroids. I didn't really think I had them but my insurance won't cover an HSG if it is for blocked tubes. So now I am wondering if maybe I need one anyway. This is the second cycle that has gone on and on, but the first with the crazy heavy bleeding.

I have an appointment on Thursday, just keep your fingers crossed that I make it through the boat ride tomorrow.