Wednesday, October 2, 2013

So there was this little thing I forgot to mention . . .

My only comment from my last post made me realize that I never updated here about what was going on with Flower. After 3 involuntary commitments for suicidal/self injuring behavior, it was decided that she needed a residential treatment program. Since the middle of June she has been living at a residential treatment center (RTC) working on her anger management, depression, and attachment issues. Her tentative discharge date was October 21st but lately she has not been doing well. The main thing to remember with attachment challenged kids is that they can do great in situations where they are not required to form an emotional attachment. They are also great manipulators. We thought that she would play the system and that appears to be what she has done. She has been a model client most of the time. Her base behaviors that got her in that placement are still there, just subdued to a socially acceptable level. She comes home on passes every weekend and at first those went well. The last few have not been disastrous but it is clear she is not ready to be in the family and not continue her destructive behaviors.

It amazes me that all these professionals that work with these kids all the time don't see the manipulation. She is doing great in RTC so she must be getting better, right? Well, no. What she is doing great at is avoiding working on the things that led to her current problems. Until I brought it up last week the therapist hadn't even realized that she has avoided talking about her birth family the whole time she has been in treatment. How will she recover from trauma and abuse if she never processes it?

I think Flower has hit the point in her stay where she can't fake it and follow the rules anymore. Her only goal has been to get out. She knows what she needs to do and say to make it look like she is better. Fortunately for her she can only maintain that facade for a short period of time. I do want her home and part of the family again but not if she can't control her anger. I'm not so worried about our safety as I am about her future. She is on an advisement (similar to probation) for the battery charge from pushing my husband. If she gets in any more trouble the charges will be permanent and she will have trouble getting jobs. It is better for her to work through her issues in a safe place where her actions won't have life long consequences. I just wish she could see that and actually WANT to work on things. She still sees this treatment as something that was done to her, not something that was done for her.

In other news our 7 year old has been having increasing problems at school and daycare and her principal is pushing us to have her diagnosed ADHD. I am not convinced but trying to get services at public schools is a joke now. The only thing a high school rating means is that the kids are from well to do families and don't have problems. The test grades don't tell you how kids with issues are handled. For the most part, in my experience so far, they are shuffled off as quickly as possible. It's so sad and so frustrating.

On a good note, I just accepted a job that will be a big promotion and in the process found out that upper management were fighting over me! I had applied for three jobs and only one called me back. One of the ones that did not call me had wanted to interview me but was too busy. His boss is very angry that they missed the chance to hire me. This is the first time I have felt like a valued and competent employee. The new job is 3 hours away so we will be moving. I imagine that will be incredibly stressful but there are many more services where we are going and I can't wait to do real science again!


  1. Congrats on the job news. I'm glad Flower in in residential care. My ex-future kid is now in a group home that's just a step below & I'm assuming she (or her case workers) are done trying to place her with a family. Trying to attach is too stressful for her and having a mother figure to take out all her rage at her past mother figures on is just too dangerous for everyone involved.

    I'm amazed too at how the trained pros don't see the manipulation - or any of the other behaviors. When I enrolled my kid in school (all special ed with small classes), I said that maybe we needed to try another school because she was too defiant to stick to a dress code. She lied to them and said she would and they all talked to me like I was an idiot. She did not stick to the dress code. I have loads of other examples.

    I think that Flower not doing well at the moment is good - she can't fake it anymore and they'll have to force her to start dealing with things.

    If you can get her to try it, EFT may help - I had a session for myself and I started to feel OK about things that had been weighing on me for years. I've heard EFT and EMDR do wonders for PTSD, but my kid was too oppositional to try anything I suggested.

  2. I am so glad to read an update on Flower! I hope and pray that treatment at the RTC begins to help her now that she can no longer just act her way through. Praying for you all!

  3. I just wanted to check in on you. Hope all is well with you and your family.

  4. I just got finished reading through your entire blog and I hope you come back for an update someday. What a difficult journey! I'm a foster parent so it was good for me to read the experience of someone with infertility. That's not my reason for fostering so I've always had trouble understanding the many parents who struggle with that and why they do or don't choose to foster. Your eloquent writing has helped me empathize with a whole new set of people, so thank you for having the courage to post it on the world wide web!

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