Tuesday, May 21, 2013
weird flashback trigger
I just got my hair cut off and I didn't realize until I got home last night that the last time I did that was just after Aiden was stillborn. I had a sudden flash back of all the compliments I got and how shitty that made me feel when I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me how much it sucked that my baby died. I stood in the shower sobbing over my stupid hair. It's the first time I've cried (about this) in quite some time. I still miss him, everyday. I still find myself wishing this baby had been a boy and wondering what it would have been like to have a son to raise. I love this Little Bird with all my heart, but there is still the feeling of being cheated of something. I hope it never shows.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
adult juice boxes
If you haven't tried them yet, I am currently enjoying my 2nd "cup of wine". W.al.mart now sells a single serving cup of wine in 5 varieties. They are decent enough for the price and nice for a mom that can't keep a bottle of wine in the house because it will get stolen.
Things are pretty tough and I hope I am doing the right things. Flower is on the waiting list for a bed in residential and I'm praying she will be admitted before she has a chance to violate her probation. I don't know that I could have done anything differently, but if I'd known she would be arrested instead of committed when she pushed the Professor, I may not have called the police. She doesn't need to be in jail, that will only make everything worse. Now if she doesn't complete teen court she will be dealing with a life long consequence that will severely limit her career choices. So far she is not taking any of the legal stuff seriously. She has no cause and affect thinking and is incapable of relating her actions to consequences. Tonight she was yelling at me to shut up and get out of her face while filling out the study sheet from teen court that says she is not allowed to disrespect her parents. Ai yi yi.
Sunshine is picking up all of Flower's worst behaviors and on the fast track to some pretty serious consequences. I feel so guilty for not listening to the warnings about the influence a troubled older child would have on a younger one. I was so sure we had done a good enough job raising Sunshine that she would understand how not to behave. That is not the case. Saturday she threw a toy at me after declaring that I could not make her stay in her room. Consequences just don't seem to matter to her although she does still seem to care if I am disappointed in her. My brother dealt with an older sibling that went to residential and his younger daughter really improved while the troubled one was gone. Hopefully we will get the same result.
The youngest is doing great. Little bird is learning to roll over and got very mad today when she got stuck on her stomach with one arm pinned. She was inconsolable until I held her for a good 15 minutes. It did not help my mood that this was right when I realized my grill was catching on fire and I had to leave a screaming baby in the house with a defiant 7 year old while I dashed out to shut off the tank before the whole thing exploded. Needless to say we didn't have grilled chicken tonight.
I had to laugh because Sunshine got mad at me for scaring her when I screamed at her to get away from the window. She was standing there asking me why when I could see flames curling ever closer to the propane tank. For the love of god, child! This is why we tell you to listen to us the first time!
Hopefully this summer will prove to be a little more peaceful and Flower will get the help she needs.
Things are pretty tough and I hope I am doing the right things. Flower is on the waiting list for a bed in residential and I'm praying she will be admitted before she has a chance to violate her probation. I don't know that I could have done anything differently, but if I'd known she would be arrested instead of committed when she pushed the Professor, I may not have called the police. She doesn't need to be in jail, that will only make everything worse. Now if she doesn't complete teen court she will be dealing with a life long consequence that will severely limit her career choices. So far she is not taking any of the legal stuff seriously. She has no cause and affect thinking and is incapable of relating her actions to consequences. Tonight she was yelling at me to shut up and get out of her face while filling out the study sheet from teen court that says she is not allowed to disrespect her parents. Ai yi yi.
Sunshine is picking up all of Flower's worst behaviors and on the fast track to some pretty serious consequences. I feel so guilty for not listening to the warnings about the influence a troubled older child would have on a younger one. I was so sure we had done a good enough job raising Sunshine that she would understand how not to behave. That is not the case. Saturday she threw a toy at me after declaring that I could not make her stay in her room. Consequences just don't seem to matter to her although she does still seem to care if I am disappointed in her. My brother dealt with an older sibling that went to residential and his younger daughter really improved while the troubled one was gone. Hopefully we will get the same result.
The youngest is doing great. Little bird is learning to roll over and got very mad today when she got stuck on her stomach with one arm pinned. She was inconsolable until I held her for a good 15 minutes. It did not help my mood that this was right when I realized my grill was catching on fire and I had to leave a screaming baby in the house with a defiant 7 year old while I dashed out to shut off the tank before the whole thing exploded. Needless to say we didn't have grilled chicken tonight.
I had to laugh because Sunshine got mad at me for scaring her when I screamed at her to get away from the window. She was standing there asking me why when I could see flames curling ever closer to the propane tank. For the love of god, child! This is why we tell you to listen to us the first time!
Hopefully this summer will prove to be a little more peaceful and Flower will get the help she needs.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
ugh
I have very little time for myself so here is a bare bones update.
We are well and truly out of the honeymoon phase with Flower. She just keeps pushing and pushing, trying to prove that we are like everyone else in her life and we will give up on her. It's exhausting, at times terrifying, and so completely pointless. She is wrecking her future just to prove a point that she doesn't even realize she has the need to prove. Now Sunshine is copying her ridiculous, over the top tantrums and I just have no idea what to do about it. I react differently to Sunshine because she doesn't have a traumatic background. She doesn't have a good reason to act like that (other than all the changes and Flower acting out) so I find I have no patience for it and yell.
Little Bird is fantastic and a little spot of joy in everyone's life. I'm just praying all the turmoil and constant screaming aren't affecting her too badly. I'm hoping things will settle down before she is verbal and I'll have a chance to fix the damage to her and Sunshine before it's too late. I'm also hoping Flower will figure out who she is and realize she doesn't have to fight us. I just want her to have a chance to grow up and be happy with who she is.
I hope I can talk here again about the struggles of dealing with attachment issues. There just isn't enough information out there and I'm kind of floundering. No rest for the weary, though. I have to go pump because Professor had to feed Little Bird formula just so I could go to the store in time to get dinner made and now she won't wake up to nurse. Awesome.
We are well and truly out of the honeymoon phase with Flower. She just keeps pushing and pushing, trying to prove that we are like everyone else in her life and we will give up on her. It's exhausting, at times terrifying, and so completely pointless. She is wrecking her future just to prove a point that she doesn't even realize she has the need to prove. Now Sunshine is copying her ridiculous, over the top tantrums and I just have no idea what to do about it. I react differently to Sunshine because she doesn't have a traumatic background. She doesn't have a good reason to act like that (other than all the changes and Flower acting out) so I find I have no patience for it and yell.
Little Bird is fantastic and a little spot of joy in everyone's life. I'm just praying all the turmoil and constant screaming aren't affecting her too badly. I'm hoping things will settle down before she is verbal and I'll have a chance to fix the damage to her and Sunshine before it's too late. I'm also hoping Flower will figure out who she is and realize she doesn't have to fight us. I just want her to have a chance to grow up and be happy with who she is.
I hope I can talk here again about the struggles of dealing with attachment issues. There just isn't enough information out there and I'm kind of floundering. No rest for the weary, though. I have to go pump because Professor had to feed Little Bird formula just so I could go to the store in time to get dinner made and now she won't wake up to nurse. Awesome.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Things I want to remember
Two months and some change has gone by so fast. With all the stress and worry I feel like I've missed all of it. But I was holding Little Bird yesterday and remembered some cute things she does that are starting to fade as she gets older.
When she smiles it lights up her whole face. You can be standing behind her and tell she is smiling because even her scalp will crinkle. She has started to laugh in the last couple of weeks but it took me awhile to realize it because it doesn't sound like a typical laugh. She makes this hilarious grunting noise, like hnnnn hnnnn. It's really freaking adorable and although I was thrilled to hear an actual giggle/shriek yesterday, I will miss the funny grunting. I wish I could get it on video. She does not seem to like being tickled. She only squirms and doesn't smile or laugh.
The cutest thing she does that has almost stopped is that when she is done nursing and pulls away she will purse her lips, wrinkle her forehead and stretch. I haven't managed to get a picture but it is incredibly cute. Her face gets all red and she looks like an angry little old man. She hasn't done it often because she will keep nursing until I make her stop most of the time. She thinks I'm her pacifier.
I also love to watch Flower and Sunshine with her. They love to make her smile and she adores them. I wish there were more happy things like that right now, but I'll take what I can get.
*Edited to add: I forgot to mention the "zombie baby". The first month and a half when she was hungry and I picked her up she would try to suck on my face. I joked that she was a zombie baby and trying to eat my face. She was so determined! She also makes this adorable little bird chirp in her sleep, it goes along great with her nickname. I can't believe how fast they change.
When she smiles it lights up her whole face. You can be standing behind her and tell she is smiling because even her scalp will crinkle. She has started to laugh in the last couple of weeks but it took me awhile to realize it because it doesn't sound like a typical laugh. She makes this hilarious grunting noise, like hnnnn hnnnn. It's really freaking adorable and although I was thrilled to hear an actual giggle/shriek yesterday, I will miss the funny grunting. I wish I could get it on video. She does not seem to like being tickled. She only squirms and doesn't smile or laugh.
The cutest thing she does that has almost stopped is that when she is done nursing and pulls away she will purse her lips, wrinkle her forehead and stretch. I haven't managed to get a picture but it is incredibly cute. Her face gets all red and she looks like an angry little old man. She hasn't done it often because she will keep nursing until I make her stop most of the time. She thinks I'm her pacifier.
I also love to watch Flower and Sunshine with her. They love to make her smile and she adores them. I wish there were more happy things like that right now, but I'll take what I can get.
*Edited to add: I forgot to mention the "zombie baby". The first month and a half when she was hungry and I picked her up she would try to suck on my face. I joked that she was a zombie baby and trying to eat my face. She was so determined! She also makes this adorable little bird chirp in her sleep, it goes along great with her nickname. I can't believe how fast they change.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
"Families are hard"
I think we finally had a break through with Flower. She has gone to respite for the weekend twice and both times come back REALLY angry. She has a 'grass is greener' mentality about any new living arrangement. I'm sure it's a protective mechanism she has from being shuffled around in foster care. Any new place she goes is awesome and therefore the last place was horrible. She has to be glad to leave so she doesn't feel rejected, even though that never really works. She had a major meltdown when I told her she wouldn't be spending every weekend at the respite provider's house. I told her she is our family, not theirs, and she needs to spend time with us. I told her she can't just run away from her problems. She cried that they understand her and they are like her and she fits in there, implying that none of that is true here. That is exactly what she said about us when she was transitioning from her last foster home. When she finally calmed down and talked to me she cried and yelled at me that families are hard. She doesn't know how to be in a real family because she has never been in one. I was amazed that she admitted that on her own. Most of the time she isn't willing to admit that her bio family was a mess and her parents did not take care of her.
I'm happy for the breakthrough, I hope it means she will become apart of our family. I'm also hoping our family is going to stay intact long enough for that to happen. The fights with Professor have gotten pretty bad. There is serious talk of a separation of some type. We are not planning one but he has asked me if I want him here and I said most of the time, which of course means there are some times I don't. He wanted to know if I want him to leave and I said no, I want him to help me fix this. After an hour of arguing he was still saying we didn't need marriage counseling so I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. I told him we are at a crisis point and it is too late for us to fix it ourselves. I said if he was not willing to involve a third party that I was not going to try anymore to save our marriage. What we are doing is not working. I can't give anymore without getting something in return. He said he would do anything to keep us together and asked what I need. I told him he had to find someone to help us fix our marriage and I would come. That was on Thursday. He hasn't done anything yet even though he's been home by himself. I, on the other hand, have been transporting 3 kids and trying to work. I'm not really sure he wants to save us. I'm hoping next week brings some kind of improvement. At least he is better now and can go back to work and the kids will be back in school. Spring break was hell for me and I've never been so happy for the end of a 'vacation'.
I'm happy for the breakthrough, I hope it means she will become apart of our family. I'm also hoping our family is going to stay intact long enough for that to happen. The fights with Professor have gotten pretty bad. There is serious talk of a separation of some type. We are not planning one but he has asked me if I want him here and I said most of the time, which of course means there are some times I don't. He wanted to know if I want him to leave and I said no, I want him to help me fix this. After an hour of arguing he was still saying we didn't need marriage counseling so I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. I told him we are at a crisis point and it is too late for us to fix it ourselves. I said if he was not willing to involve a third party that I was not going to try anymore to save our marriage. What we are doing is not working. I can't give anymore without getting something in return. He said he would do anything to keep us together and asked what I need. I told him he had to find someone to help us fix our marriage and I would come. That was on Thursday. He hasn't done anything yet even though he's been home by himself. I, on the other hand, have been transporting 3 kids and trying to work. I'm not really sure he wants to save us. I'm hoping next week brings some kind of improvement. At least he is better now and can go back to work and the kids will be back in school. Spring break was hell for me and I've never been so happy for the end of a 'vacation'.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Little Bird is fine
The ultrasound didn't show anything suspicious. Her belly button is still abnormal and the doctor said it might form a granuloma in the future and need cosmetic surgery, but it is not anything we need to be worried about. I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about putting such a young baby under general anesthesia. Everything else is still just as bad. Professor is very sick so I'm back to single parent status. On my first week back at work I've been calling in sick almost every day. Now Sunshine probably has an ear infection from what's left of her illness. If I catch this crap I will crawl in a hole and let the whole world implode. I just.can't.take.anymore. Tonight I am seriously considering taking the baby and staying in a hotel for a couple of days. Just the kids not doing the dishes like I asked is about to push me over the edge.
I used to think I was a really strong person, that I could deal with almost anything. But I'm starting to feel so crushed by all this, and most of it isn't even the major catastrophes. It's just the day to day of trying to get to work, get home, make dinner, help with homework, clean up, and try to sleep.
Oh - and did I mention that because of a crappy daycare and the Professor not giving me a start date that we now have no daycare? He goes back to work on Monday and we have nowhere to put the baby. Come to think of it, I am enabling him by looking for another daycare. I should really just sit back and wait to see what he does. But then again, his first solution when I told him was to quit his job. I guess I have to decide which scenario would be the hardest for me. I wish I had a fucking partner instead of a fourth child. I'm so tired of this shit.
I used to think I was a really strong person, that I could deal with almost anything. But I'm starting to feel so crushed by all this, and most of it isn't even the major catastrophes. It's just the day to day of trying to get to work, get home, make dinner, help with homework, clean up, and try to sleep.
Oh - and did I mention that because of a crappy daycare and the Professor not giving me a start date that we now have no daycare? He goes back to work on Monday and we have nowhere to put the baby. Come to think of it, I am enabling him by looking for another daycare. I should really just sit back and wait to see what he does. But then again, his first solution when I told him was to quit his job. I guess I have to decide which scenario would be the hardest for me. I wish I had a fucking partner instead of a fourth child. I'm so tired of this shit.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Oh Boy
My last post was pretty prophetic. I have thought almost every day that I really needed to post. Besides knowing there are some special people out there who are rooting for me and want updates, I need the outlet. Unfortunately, with the new baby and all the other problems I'm dealing with my blogging has taken back seat to my need to sleep. It sucks because I have no time to see a therapist and I desperately need one. Blogging has been a cheap form of therapy for me and I miss it.
Things are hard. Really fucking hard. So hard I find myself getting something close to panic attacks when I stop to think about how I can get out of this and realize I can't. I am living in a war zone. The fighting is continuous and only getting louder and more violent. No one has gotten hurt (yet) but the emotional toll is devastating all the same. I just can't imagine how people survive families where the fights are always physical as well.
My husband is not willing to work on the issues we have. He says I believe he can't do anything right and everything is his fault, nearly word for word what our traumatized teenage daughter says. Funny thing, though, when she says it my husband says she is pulling the "oh, woe is me" card, trying to get everyone to feel sorry for her. I called him on it and he denies that he says the same thing. I really need to record this stuff. The level of denial they both have is astounding.
I came to a couple of devastating realizations the other day. The fundamental problem is the the Professor HAS to be right. He cannot accept that he is mistaken, wrong, or responsible. That problem cannot be fixed unless he is willing to admit it is a problem, which he can't do because he can't admit the problem might lie with him. I don't see any hope in that situation for an improvement. There is only so much I can do to work around that attitude without damaging the children. I can't meet him where he is because it is borderline (and maybe sometimes over the borderline) abusive. I can't watch my kids grow up feeling that every step they make is the wrong one, that they are stupid and worthless, and that nothing they do will ever be good enough. I've lived that, it will destroy them. This led me to my second realization. Many people that don't understand adoption have suggested that we "get rid of" Flower because she is "damaged". Even if I agreed with that, which I emphatically don't, it wouldn't help. The same personality trait that keeps the Professor from bonding with her and causes all the fighting is also the same trait that is turning my sweet, funny, intelligent 6 year old into a raging spoiled brat. The way he parents there is no way my kids can grow up happy, confident, and secure. If he won't work on it then there is only one solution left to me besides watching the destruction. I can't alleviate the damage without causing more problems. I've seen what happens when parents undermine each other and the kids learn that the parents don't respect each other. There is no happy ending here if he won't get on board.
He asked me if I want him to leave. I don't, I want him to help me fix this, but no matter how many times we talk about this the ending is always the same. He's not good enough, he can't do anything right, the kids don't respect him, I don't back him up. I don't think he has ever said "I will try this new method" without prefacing it by saying "I know it won't work, but . . .". I don't have any idea how to combat that defeatist attitude and even our family therapist has said she doesn't think he will ever work on his issues or become the partner I need him to be.
Today was hell. We had an hour long argument about all this stuff before I went to work . When I got to work I called the doctor about my 6 week old's diarrhea and they wanted to see her. At the office they told us that she may have a birth defect that will require surgery. It isn't life threatening but the thought of putting a baby that small under general anesthesia has me all wound up. Not to mention the specter of a little boy with birth defects who never drew his first breath. Her ultrasound is tomorrow so I will update when I know more.
After we got home there was more arguing and then Flower and the Professor got into it again. The screaming (both of them) and throwing things (Flower) scared little Sunshine so I had Professor take Sunshine and Little Bird out for a while to let everyone calm down. I am certain one of these days these arguments will turn into fist fights and I will lose one or both of them.
Things are hard. Really fucking hard. So hard I find myself getting something close to panic attacks when I stop to think about how I can get out of this and realize I can't. I am living in a war zone. The fighting is continuous and only getting louder and more violent. No one has gotten hurt (yet) but the emotional toll is devastating all the same. I just can't imagine how people survive families where the fights are always physical as well.
My husband is not willing to work on the issues we have. He says I believe he can't do anything right and everything is his fault, nearly word for word what our traumatized teenage daughter says. Funny thing, though, when she says it my husband says she is pulling the "oh, woe is me" card, trying to get everyone to feel sorry for her. I called him on it and he denies that he says the same thing. I really need to record this stuff. The level of denial they both have is astounding.
I came to a couple of devastating realizations the other day. The fundamental problem is the the Professor HAS to be right. He cannot accept that he is mistaken, wrong, or responsible. That problem cannot be fixed unless he is willing to admit it is a problem, which he can't do because he can't admit the problem might lie with him. I don't see any hope in that situation for an improvement. There is only so much I can do to work around that attitude without damaging the children. I can't meet him where he is because it is borderline (and maybe sometimes over the borderline) abusive. I can't watch my kids grow up feeling that every step they make is the wrong one, that they are stupid and worthless, and that nothing they do will ever be good enough. I've lived that, it will destroy them. This led me to my second realization. Many people that don't understand adoption have suggested that we "get rid of" Flower because she is "damaged". Even if I agreed with that, which I emphatically don't, it wouldn't help. The same personality trait that keeps the Professor from bonding with her and causes all the fighting is also the same trait that is turning my sweet, funny, intelligent 6 year old into a raging spoiled brat. The way he parents there is no way my kids can grow up happy, confident, and secure. If he won't work on it then there is only one solution left to me besides watching the destruction. I can't alleviate the damage without causing more problems. I've seen what happens when parents undermine each other and the kids learn that the parents don't respect each other. There is no happy ending here if he won't get on board.
He asked me if I want him to leave. I don't, I want him to help me fix this, but no matter how many times we talk about this the ending is always the same. He's not good enough, he can't do anything right, the kids don't respect him, I don't back him up. I don't think he has ever said "I will try this new method" without prefacing it by saying "I know it won't work, but . . .". I don't have any idea how to combat that defeatist attitude and even our family therapist has said she doesn't think he will ever work on his issues or become the partner I need him to be.
Today was hell. We had an hour long argument about all this stuff before I went to work . When I got to work I called the doctor about my 6 week old's diarrhea and they wanted to see her. At the office they told us that she may have a birth defect that will require surgery. It isn't life threatening but the thought of putting a baby that small under general anesthesia has me all wound up. Not to mention the specter of a little boy with birth defects who never drew his first breath. Her ultrasound is tomorrow so I will update when I know more.
After we got home there was more arguing and then Flower and the Professor got into it again. The screaming (both of them) and throwing things (Flower) scared little Sunshine so I had Professor take Sunshine and Little Bird out for a while to let everyone calm down. I am certain one of these days these arguments will turn into fist fights and I will lose one or both of them.
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