Last return

If all goes as planned tonight will be the last time I have to hug my daughter and send her to another Mom's house. Move in date is this Friday!!!!

I'm nervous, not really for myself, but for M. I was so annoyed that we couldn't move her in earlier because they wanted her to finish the semester, and now I am doubly sure this was a bad idea. I could tell tonight that her anxiety is climbing. Her stomach has been hurting all weekend and seemed to get worse the closer it got to the time to go back to the foster home. I don't think she is going to be able to focus much on her finals with all the worry about this move she has on her shoulders. I did find out that she can fail one semester and still get passed on to high school. Normally I would say this was idiotic, but in her case I think it would be way too damaging to keep her back. She is already a year behind, only because she was never in school in Kindergarten. She was too busy getting shuffled back and forth from home to home.

Watching her unpack was heartbreaking. She had a scrapbook from her previous failed adoptive family. The mother used to send her cards telling her to be good and good things would come to her, and saying she should follow God's plan, as if all the crap she has been through could have been prevented if only she was good enough and Christian enough. It made me so sad for M and so angry toward that family. Before I could stop the conversation K asked M why she wasn't adopted by that family. M said she didn't really know. I wish I did. I wish I had something to tell her so she would know it wasn't her fault. The other thing that made me sad, angry, and helpless was how little she had to unpack. No beloved childhood toy, no blankie full of holes, no dolls or stuffed animals she wasn't quite old enough to let go of yet. She left her last adoptive placement with 2 small duffel bags. Her current foster parents have bought her a lot of stuff but I couldn't believe the woman who wrote cards about "God's plan" didn't send M the rest of her things after she was moved back here. I find it hard to believe they never bought her anything while she was with them. If they didn't buy/give her things, that is really just as bad. I am not by any means materialistic and no longer get attached to stuff, but I know foster kids are very deprived in material possessions and it seems pretty shitty to hang on to their stuff after kicking the kid out.

One of the things she did have was a school picture she never sent to her birth mom. When I first saw it and asked if I could hang it up I was just happy we would have photos of when she was younger. It wasn't until later that I noticed the note she wrote to her mom on the back. Poor kid. Even if it meant we couldn't keep her, I would fix her past for her if I could. I hope her future will be easier and I hope she will be okay so far from all the people she should have been with.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

My first blog award!! I'm very thrilled to get this from someone I really admire. Last Mom is someone you should be reading. She adopted an older child from foster care. Her blog is great for anyone who has adopted, or is considering adopting a child with a history of trauma. Her advice and techniques have already proved invaluable, even with my biological daughter who didn't have a history of trauma before her little brother died. I am so grateful there is someone like her out there to lead the way. I'd be much more nervous about our adoption if it weren't for her.

With this award I'm supposed to tell 7 things about myself that you (my readers) probably don't know. I'm also supposed to tag 5 other blogs. I have a long reader list filled with many wonderful women so that part will take me some time and thinking. I'll start on the seven things and then talk about all the silly things I'm worried about with the big move coming up.

1. I hate roller coasters. HATE THEM. I took my 5 year old on the flying hippogriffs at the Harry Potter park. I almost bit a hole in my lip. If they don't give me a raging headache from the jerking around, they scare the pee out of me. I can brave angry venomous snakes but can't handle a kid's ride.

2. I love to sing. I sing all the time. I often start singing and don't even realize I'm doing it. I think I have a decent voice but I'm too shy to sing in front of people unless I know them really well. I like to sing at karaoke bars but only after several drinks. My tastes in music are very diverse, there isn't much I don't like. This is serving me well with adding a teenager to the family. She really likes the pop station, which I'm not crazy about, but we enjoy enough of the same songs that we enjoy singing together.

3. When I was 4 I cut off the tip of my ear when I fell while jumping on the bed. Let that be a lesson to your children - you really will break your head. My dad worked in the hospital then and that's one of the few nice memories I have of him. They were worried that I had a concussion so while the plastic surgeon sewed my ear back together he kept lifting the drape and asking if I was awake. I remember giggling, thinking he was playing peek-a-boo.

4. I've moved so many times I can't keep track anymore. I stopped counting around 24 moves after I moved out of my parents house. That's an average of more than 1 a year. I like to see new places and I'm quick to move on when things aren't going well, but I am ready to settle down. The problem is I don't want to do it here. I'm going to have to accept that there will be more moves in my future.

5. I'm a biologist that hates to kill things. I worked on an endangered species during grad school so I didn't have to kill anything. When I collect aquatic invertebrates for my job I always get the fish and salamanders out of the sample before I add the preservative, but I feel really guilty about the bugs that get pickled. I never understood when I was young how much killing there is in science. Sometimes I think I'd be better off as a writer, but I lack the self discipline to make a living from it.

6. I love me a man in a poet shirt. Those long, billowing sleeves and ruffles at the cuff. Mmm mmm. Especially if he forgets the pants.

7. I bite the inside of my lip all the time. I guess it's a nervous habit. I don't remember when I started doing it but I never seem to notice until I have a big sore. I'm sure it's disgusting to watch and I worry that it will cause mouth cancer, but I can't seem to stop doing it.


That's my seven things! I'm weird, I know. Now on to the adoption thingie.

M is moving in next Friday. A week from today!! I'm excited, and nervous. I know she will be very scared and I'm worried I won't react the way she will need me to when that fear manifests as anger or "bad" behavior. I worry that I haven't treated her enough like a daughter to make her feel wanted. I kiss and cuddle my five year old all the time, but I've never kissed M. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just unsure if she would be okay with it. It's weird going from 5 to 14, especially when the 14 year old is bigger than me and looks 18 or 20. I can't exactly pull her into my lap and rock. We do horse around a lot, tickling and wrestling and having pillow fights. Is that enough? Should I ask her if she wants me to kiss her (maybe on the cheek)? Should I offer to let her lay her head in my lap when she is falling asleep on the couch? Her history is so vague that I just have no idea how she will react to things like that. I worry she won't want to be adopted and our little one will be devastated. I even worry I'll accidentally get pregnant (ha ha ha) and M will see that as a betrayal or think we won't want her anymore because we got what we really wanted (that's not true but I think she might see it that way). I'm not on the pill right now because it was doing crazy things. Other methods are not fool proof. I don't want to get something more long term but I really don't want to hurt the child we are promising to protect who has already been hurt so much. I'm very torn. We do still want another child and I was thinking maybe a year from now, but I do want to ask M how she feels about it first. Is that a good idea? I just don't know.

I suppose I'll do what I've always done and muddle along and see what happens. In the meantime, thanks for listening.

two years

I've struggled with what to write. I've struggled with whether I should write anything at all. I'm not really that sad but will break into hard sobs at random moments. I'm glad I never celebrated New Year's before, it would have been ruined for me now. I just can't see celebrating the night I spent in the hospital giving birth to a dead baby. I'm thinking of all those moms out there tonight that still don't have a little one to tuck in; I hope this year brings you joy. I'm happy our new daughter is here with us and will be moving in forever in 2 weeks. I'm sad I don't have my little wren. I'm angry that I can't just get pregnant. Tonight, I just am.

Here's hoping 2012 brings something better.

I love you, little Wren. Sweet Dreams.

progress report and adoption news

So I didn't make any of my goals. I should have known to start smaller but I frequently bite off more than I can chew. At least I have finally learned not to beat myself up about it. Somehow the hell I went through 2 years ago gave me the ability to brush myself off and keep trying without all the guilt and shame.

I ate so much at the holiday party at work that I was almost sick. I tried to only take one bite of the things I really wanted to try but there was SO MUCH FOOD. I can never see a spread like that without thinking of all the homeless people only a block away. I wish we could do something a little different in that respect. Anyway - I haven't met the goal of no junk food for a full day but I have managed to keep it to reasonable servings, so yea me! I did no yoga but did go on one really long walk/run. I nearly died from running a single block but at least I did something this week. I still haven't gotten a scale although I really don't feel bad about that with all the running around I've been doing for Christmas shopping. Ye Gads! For someone that doesn't have much money I sure went to a lot of stores.

So - goal for next week. One session of yoga and a further reduction of junk food. I'll wait until the holiday madness is over and my checkbook recovers to worry about a scale.

On the adoption front, for those of you who don't want to listen to me whining about exercise, M is staying with us for the school holiday. It's been pretty fun so far although I do find myself getting frustrated a little with the whining. Our 5 year old is a champion whiner so I'm pretty used to it, but I wasn't really prepared to see the same level in a 14 year old. I really shouldn't be surprised. Her life has not prepared her for early maturity and she is really doing so amazingly well for what she has had to deal with. I just found out today that after two families rejected her (one of them kept all her siblings) she was sent across the country ALONE on a plane at 12 years old. I had a hard time taking that statement calmly. I'm sure I'll hear many more worse things, but I don't think I'll ever get used to it. How the world can be so awful to some people is really just beyond me.

We are discovering that her nutrition is extremely poor and the constant begging for junk food is getting old fast. We are trying to be patient and not turn her whole diet upside down overnight. She is very good about eating the whole wheat pasta that we use so that is more than I expected. If anyone has experience with changing a foster kid's diet to something healthier, I'm open to advice.

I'm amazed by the bravery of this girl. After the terrible rejections she has had and the terrible way she has been treated by almost everyone in her life, she is still willing to try with a new family. She is even able to show us (very rarely) how scared she is that we will let her down too. I may be overly optimistic but I think this is a good sign that she will be able to attach and trust us eventually. I'm constantly reminding myself that she has not yet had a chance to test us and it won't always be this easy. At the same time I am really enjoying having someone I can shop with and do girly things like nails and hair. It will be many more years before K is capable of listening well enough to do any of that so it is super exciting to be able to do it now.

Three more weeks until we are officially M's only parents (foster for now, adoptive after finalization)! We can't wait, the co-parenting with the current foster parents is hard! We disagree with nearly all of their parenting decisions so trying to fit our parenting with theirs has been nearly impossible. Three more weeks is not long at all. I can put on my big girl pants and get through it.

I've been sad with all the anniversaries coming up, hubby and I were both in tears on the 18th, but it is somewhat distant this year. Part of it is the busyness of the season and the rest is how vastly different our lives are this year. I miss my precious boy and I wish he was here, but I can't say I'm sad to not be so sad.

I hope everyone out there is at least surviving the holidays, preferably enjoying them. I hope the new year brings new joy and new healing to all my baby loss friends and anyone struggling with life right now. Peace and Love!!

bitter irony

I don't like my body. I'm sure you've noticed, I whine about it on here frequently. I haven't liked it for some time. I think I first started being unhappy with it in mid-2001. I was gaining weight and noticed that things I enjoyed were getting harder to do. I had also started to get some back pain. That's when I decided to do something about my dissatisfaction and hired a personal trainer. I was young, living with my parents, and had a good paying job, so it wasn't the outrageous expense it would be today. I was doing pretty well with it and getting into shape when I was rear-ended by a car going 40 mph on my way home from work. The impact was so hard that it shoved my truck across the entire road (I was stopped at a yield sign) and I distinctly remember my head bouncing off the headrest at least three times. One impact was hard enough to break the cartilage in my ear. I had severe whiplash along my entire neck and back and have never really recovered. I haven't had a pain free day since that accident and the days that aren't too bad are becoming fewer and farther between. I've become less and less active because it just hurts so much to do anything. One part of the irony is that if I can push through the pain I start to feel better. Working out actually causes the stiffness and inflammation to go down. I know this, but it is still extremely hard to make myself work towards a fitness goal. I've tried running a few times but keep getting injured doing other things and then giving up for months at a time.

I am getting to the point where I can no longer deny that I am overweight. I have read research that shows losing weight improves fertility and the kind of problems I have with my cycles. Just 20 pounds could make the difference in getting pregnant, or at least having a normal period. So knowing all this, why can't I get with the program? When I look at myself in the mirror I am disgusted. I don't like to see myself naked anymore and this has a significant impact on my relationship with my husband. I look like one of those fertility goddess figures with the giant sagging breasts and protruding tummy. The irony of THAT is not lost on me.

One of my fellow bloggers is trying to hold herself accountable to her fitness goals by publishing her weight every week. I think I may join her. I might not be able to post every week but I am going to buy a scale and start tracking. I am also going to take a picture of myself and tape it to my mirror, possibly along with one from high school when I was fit.

I don't always feel like I'm grossly fat. I know my weight is not really all that horrible, but I feel 30 years older than I am. I know being in shape will make many of my problems better, and maybe I could keep up with my five year old. If nothing else, maybe tracking will help me to resist the junk food when I am craving something sweet. My most recent cholesterol and blood pressure numbers were high. That is kind of a wake up call. My mother now has diabetes and high blood pressure. She is on so many medications I can't believe she has room for food. I don't want to live like that, so I am going to do something about it.

This time of year is hard. There is so much food everywhere and most of it is junk. On top of that I am depressed and looking for comfort. I have a pretty bad sweet tooth and little self control. I have never been able to eat just one snack size candy bar. If I have a bag of something I will eat all of it, no matter how many servings it contains. My first goal is going to be cutting way back on the junk. I don't really buy junk foods because I know I can't practice portion control, but it is all around me anyway. I need to teach myself how to avoid those traps. My first real test will be the Christmas party at work today. Four floors of nothing but junk food. EEK!

So anyway - Today I weigh approximately 183 pounds. I am tired all the time and my neck hurts so much I can't turn my head. I've done 30 minutes of yoga once this week and eaten a lot of candy. My goal for next week is 1.5 hours of yoga, two long walks, and at least one day without any junk food.

What I wish I could say

Please don't say Merry Christmas. I can see you don't remember that this time of year is very hard on me. I know I look happy. I know I look fine to you, but I'm not. People that are fine don't break into hysterical sobs for no good reason in the middle of singing a Christmas song. People that are fine don't spend a significant portion of every day remembering in vivid detail watching a very tiny child die. So don't pass on your cheer and ignore the gaping hole I will always have in my life. It doesn't matter how many children I add to my family, there will always be one missing. If you can't understand that, or can't take the time to remember, then I don't want your well wishes. And yes, I have made a new year's resolution - it's to not kill any more children. I hope to God I can fulfill it.

Not doing well with the grateful part today

I've tried hard not to complain about this because it feels like fate might decide I don't deserve/want/appreciate the incredible gifts I have, but some days it is so very hard to be grateful. I know most of my readers still have infants if they've been lucky enough to have a rainbow baby so if complaining about children makes you mad, please feel free to skip this one!

I love my little girl. She's my miracle and so smart, funny, engaging, and cute, but she is so, so challenging. That's a polite way of saying she is a little hellion. She does not ever listen. She will run full tilt towards a speeding car with adults shrieking in terror and not even notice a problem until she gets tackled. Then she will cry that you "scared" her by freaking out and preventing imminent and messy death. I stupidly decided today to take her shopping with her new big sister for Christmas presents. We brought along my best friend, Aunt A, and my sister and her daughter. I guess the combination of seeing Aunt A, Aunt L, and Cousin A was a little too exciting for her little brain. She just would. not. stop.

I am frustrated, tired, hurting and just plain pissed off. I hurt her twice by grabbing too hard or yanking too hard (both times when she was running away from me towards busy roads) because I was using all my self restraint to keep from giving her a good hard whack on the butt. It was enough that she noticed and whined but not enough that she was actually hurt. I'm still ashamed I lost my cool that badly, though. I absolutely do not believe in corporal punishment, and I'm not allowed to use it with foster children such as M, but I'm telling you, some days it's hard to remember to be kind.

I hurt my back because I ended up having to carry her through the busy parking lots because she wouldn't hold my hand. I'm really hoping it didn't upset M seeing me so mad. I feel guilty for losing it but at the same time just plain mad that K will never listen. I don't understand what goes on in her mind that she doesn't use any common sense whatsoever. I'm tired of the looks and comments that people make because they assume I don't discipline her and that's why she's so wild. I'm tired of people suggesting I should medicate her. I just want someone to explain to me how to reach her, or at least understand where she's coming from.

I am grateful, but I'm one tired and frustrated momma tonight. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm off to find my motrin now that she's finally asleep (in my room!) and try to relax some more.

I hope everyone else that is shopping is having a less stressful time of it. I am sticking with cyber shopping from now on!