Freaking out - and back to feeling guilty

I am almost hyperventilating. My chest hurts and I can't stop crying. I think it is about time to go home.

Damn google anyway!

My last SHARE meeting I met another mother that lost her son at 18 weeks for unknown reasons. She has a history of HELLP and preterm labor and was diagnosed with MTHFR. She is getting her two children tested for spinal chord defects because one has a dimple and the other was born with a hairy lower back. We got to talking and we have a lot in common. My daughter also had the hairy back. We knew that was a very good indicator of spinal chord defects but she developed normally so we never thought about doing an MRI.

However, Aiden had SEVERE neural tube defects. He also had a chromosomal problem, but no one knows if the two were related. It's possible one was exacerbated by the other. Now it is very likely that I have some type of resistance to folic acid so the nurse at SHARE recommended that I get my daughter tested (an MRI to check her spinal chord) and get myself tested for MTHFR. MTHFR is a mutation that causes low levels of folic acid in tissues, which can cause the neural tube defects in fetuses, and high levels of homocysteine, which can cause clotting in the placenta and fetal death.

The low folic acid is an easy fix and I am already doing it. High levels of folic acid prior and during preganancy prevent the neural tube defects. However, if I also have the high homocysteine (I may not, neither placenta had clots) then things get way more complicated and higher risk. That treatment involves blood thinners throughout pregnancy and pretty high risk.

I made an appointment with the high risk specialist I like to get all this checked out. If it is going to be a super high risk pregnancy with all kinds of meds and monitoring, then adoption is looking more likely.

Here is where the soul crushing guilt comes back: All of Aiden's problems could have been from a mutation I have. I saw a few papers that attribute chromosomal problems like down syndrome with MTHFR. Oh my god - what if I did cause this???

I knew Kira was likely to have had a very mild defect. I can't remember if I was taking my prenatals consistently with Aiden, I don't think I was. What if this was my fault? I thought I had convinced myself there was nothing I could have done, what if I was wrong?

The good news is that this can be treated, the bad news is that this can be treated. I could have saved him. I could have made him okay and I didn't know.

There aren't enough curse words for this.

Not sure what I want

I work in the same building as the local Department of Children and Families. Right after I lost Aiden they started putting up easels in the lobby with pictures of children available for adoption from the foster care system. One picture has haunted me. It is a picture of a 3 year old boy with dark hair and the happiest smile on his face. He has braces on his legs and uses a walker. Fresh from my loss it made me think that my son may have looked like that if he hadn't been so severely affected. Over the last month it has changed.

I want to take that little boy home. I want to help him learn to navigate a world that is less than friendly to people with disabilities. He probably has a decent foster home, but I want him to have a permanent home.

I'm sure a lot of this comes from not being able to mother Aiden. I just wish I knew how much. I suffer from infertility and chronic pain from a car accident. It is hard for me to get pregnant and agony to be pregnant. This last pregnancy I only tried because I thought we would not qualify for adoption. This has added to my guilt because if I had not been misinformed, I may never have gotten pregnant.

So I was already thinking, strongly, about adoption before this loss. Now I am torn. I want to bring that little boy home, but I still want a baby. I could probably do both if I was willing to wait for one or the other, but I feel like time is against me. I am getting older and my fertility is already bad. I may only have another year or two to get pregnant. If I wait for adoption that specific child may be gone, but there will always be more.

I don't even know if I could adopt that little boy. He obviously has some severe physical disabilities but I don't know if he has mental disabilities or developmental delays. We can handle physical problems and mild developmental problems, but I think severe developmental issues or behavioral issues will be beyond our ability to handle. With my overall health I don't want to adopt a child that needs intensive life-long care. I'm afraid I won't be capable of it in another 20 years and will have to abandon them. I also have to think of my daughter and her safety and emotional well being.

I can't get more specific information on that child until I complete the classes and background checks. I am thinking about doing all that and deciding later if I want to try another pregnancy or not. Taking the classes may keep me busy while we wait the recommended 6 months to try again.

Damn, I wish someone would invent that crystal ball. I so want someone to just tell me what to do so I don't have to make the decision.

Not even on the radar

So, this is how my weekend went.

Friday - birthday that only reminded me of what is missing, period 3 days late, freaking out because it is WAY too soon to be pregnant again.

Saturday - very first camping trip with our 3 year old daughter. We should have known better. We spent the entire time yelling at her to stop trying to kill herself and just got really aggravated. Not trying that again anytime soon (dammit, we LOVE to camp). Period starts with horrible cramping - depression sets in because I should still be pregnant.

Sunday - get home and dump all the wet and sandy clothes, blankets etc. on the floor. With the lovely neighbor's assistance, start massive piles of laundry. Discover the washer is leaking and throw it outside (we have to buy a new one - this one is toast). Discover while cleaning the floor under the washer that the piece of crap water heater is also leaking from a pressure relief valve that the idiot landlord had draining onto the FLOOR. Bleach the mildew and bang head on cabinet a few times.

But you know what? The washer, the water heater, even the camping - just annoying. Three months ago I would have been cursing my luck (my husband is right now) but now, it's not even on the radar.

Not much makes it onto the radar these days, what with the dead baby blocking the screen and all.

Resurrection

We have several oak trees in our yard that are covered with Resurrection Ferns. For those that don't know, Resurrection Ferns grow only when it is wet. They usually grow on fallen logs but will also grow on living trees. When it is dry they shrivel up and look dead. As soon as it rains they will green up and look all fresh within a few hours.

I thought it was fitting to put a few of these ferns with the photo I have displayed of Aiden's feet. It looked very beautiful and I left the ferns to get dried up. I assumed that since they were no longer attached to a tree and had been dried up for weeks that they were truly dead. For some reason I decided today to put one in a bowl of water and see what happened.


Before





After





If only it were that easy. *Sigh*

cd3, four days late. with cupcakes.

I started bleeding sometime on Saturday night. The day after my birthday while on a disastrous camping trip (the first with our daughter). When I got home I still had one cupcake left. One yummy cupcake to go with my motrin and darvocet and vodka and cranberry.

It didn't make me feel much better. This is the first cycle since Aiden was concieved. It's like an extra sucker punch to the gut, a reminder I didn't need that there is no baby. The day after my birthday, when I should have been too big to go camping.

I am crippled with pain today. The endometriosis has reared its ugly head. I can't stand up straight and had to call into work. The last time I hurt this bad I was trapped in nightmares of being raped. I made my husband wake me up several times last night because I was scared of that happening again.

I am disturbed that this was an 18 day luteal phase. That has never happened before and makes me wonder what new fucked up cycles I am in store for now.

I'm tired. I'm sore. I miss my poor little son. I just don't want to get up today. I'm angry and sad that this hurts more than giving birth to a 10 ounce baby did.

Fuck you, body. I don't want you anymore.

34

years old today.

I should be 7 months pregnant.

I should be getting ready to welcome my son home.

I should be worried about riding in the boat on rough water.

I should be trying to stuff my too large belly into men's waders.

I should be happy.

Still one more birthday and mother's day to go before Aiden's due date.

One more year until "advanced maternal age"

This sucks.

Why I'm not envious of pregnant women and women with newborns

It took me awhile to figure this out. At first I thought it was because I already have a living daughter, and so I am vastly luckier than so many women. But gradually I have realized that there is a lot more to it.

I didn't go into either of my pregnancies with that carefree, decorate the nursery the minute you get a BFP, happy-go-lucky newly pregnant hopefulness. I knew how horribly wrong things could go. My sister-in-law had lost both her twins to twin-to-twin transfusion at 8 months. A friend from college had lost a son withing a few days of birth. My best friend's sister lost her little girl to medical incompetence at 8 days old. A good friend lost her beautiful 2 year old to tainted spinach. I was not supremely confidant that those things would not happen to me. I never had the sense that because it happened to someone I knew, that it couldn't happen to me.

Of course, I had no idea that this particular horribleness could happen to me, but I guess I can't say I was shocked. So when I see a pregnant woman or a mother with a new baby, it makes me sad, but it doesn't make me envious.

After Aiden was dead and before I was induced, I had to interact with people. I was kind of numb so it wasn't hard to pretend to be normal. I can't help but think that the woman in the grocery store could be carrying her dead twin, like the very brave Eve, or the woman with the new baby could be thanking God every day that she got to take one home this time. I also think, they may lose that at any time, and I hope that they don't.

I really, really don't mean this as a judgement for people that can't stand the sight of pregnant women and babies. I totally understand that thought process. When I was struggling to get pregnant I experienced a little of the envy. But I know that envy is like hate - it only really hurts the person feeling it. I kind of hoped my perspective might help someone that is being too hard on themselves. And, since this is my blog, I am writing to clarify my thoughts.

Today was surprisingly easy, one month was harder. At times I'm sad that I'm not more sad - as neurotic as that is. I'm scared to move on, and I'm eager to move on. I think I should just resign myself to complex, contradictory emotions from now on.