ugh

I have very little time for myself so here is a bare bones update.

We are well and truly out of the honeymoon phase with Flower. She just keeps pushing and pushing, trying to prove that we are like everyone else in her life and we will give up on her. It's exhausting, at times terrifying, and so completely pointless. She is wrecking her future just to prove a point that she doesn't even realize she has the need to prove. Now Sunshine is copying her ridiculous, over the top tantrums and I just have no idea what to do about it. I react differently to Sunshine because she doesn't have a traumatic background. She doesn't have a good reason to act like that (other than all the changes and Flower acting out) so I find I have no patience for it and yell.

Little Bird is fantastic and a little spot of joy in everyone's life. I'm just praying all the turmoil and constant screaming aren't affecting her too badly. I'm hoping things will settle down before she is verbal and I'll have a chance to fix the damage to her and Sunshine before it's too late. I'm also hoping Flower will figure out who she is and realize she doesn't have to fight us. I just want her to have a chance to grow up and be happy with who she is.

I hope I can talk here again about the struggles of dealing with attachment issues. There just isn't enough information out there and I'm kind of floundering. No rest for the weary, though. I have to go pump because Professor had to feed Little Bird formula just so I could go to the store in time to get dinner made and now she won't wake up to nurse. Awesome.

Things I want to remember

Two months and some change has gone by so fast. With all the stress and worry I feel like I've missed all of it. But I was holding Little Bird yesterday and remembered some cute things she does that are starting to fade as she gets older.

When she smiles it lights up her whole face. You can be standing behind her and tell she is smiling because even her scalp will crinkle. She has started to laugh in the last couple of weeks but it took me awhile to realize it because it doesn't sound like a typical laugh. She makes this hilarious grunting noise, like hnnnn hnnnn. It's really freaking adorable and although I was thrilled to hear an actual giggle/shriek yesterday, I will miss the funny grunting. I wish I could get it on video. She does not seem to like being tickled. She only squirms and doesn't smile or laugh.

The cutest thing she does that has almost stopped is that when she is done nursing and pulls away she will purse her lips, wrinkle her forehead and stretch. I haven't managed to get a picture but it is incredibly cute. Her face gets all red and she looks like an angry little old man. She hasn't done it often because she will keep nursing until I make her stop most of the time. She thinks I'm her pacifier.

I also love to watch Flower and Sunshine with her. They love to make her smile and she adores them. I wish there were more happy things like that right now, but I'll take what I can get.

*Edited to add: I forgot to mention the "zombie baby". The first month and a half when she was hungry and I picked her up she would try to suck on my face. I joked that she was a zombie baby and trying to eat my face. She was so determined! She also makes this adorable little bird chirp in her sleep, it goes along great with her nickname. I can't believe how fast they change.

"Families are hard"

I think we finally had a break through with Flower. She has gone to respite for the weekend twice and both times come back REALLY angry. She has a 'grass is greener' mentality about any new living arrangement. I'm sure it's a protective mechanism she has from being shuffled around in foster care. Any new place she goes is awesome and therefore the last place was horrible. She has to be glad to leave so she doesn't feel rejected, even though that never really works. She had a major meltdown when I told her she wouldn't be spending every weekend at the respite provider's house. I told her she is our family, not theirs, and she needs to spend time with us.  I told her she can't just run away from her problems. She cried that they understand her and they are like her and she fits in there, implying that none of that is true here. That is exactly what she said about us when she was transitioning from her last foster home. When she finally calmed down and talked to me she cried and yelled at me that families are hard. She doesn't know how to be in a real family because she has never been in one. I was amazed that she admitted that on her own. Most of the time she isn't willing to admit that her bio family was a mess and her parents did not take care of her.

I'm happy for the breakthrough, I hope it means she will become apart of our family. I'm also hoping our family is going to stay intact long enough for that to happen. The fights with Professor have gotten pretty bad. There is serious talk of a separation of some type. We are not planning one but he has asked me if I want him here and I said most of the time, which of course means there are some times I don't. He wanted to know if I want him to leave and I said no, I want him to help me fix this. After an hour of arguing he was still saying we didn't need marriage counseling so I told him I just couldn't do this anymore. I told him we are at a crisis point and it is too late for us to fix it ourselves. I said if he was not willing to involve a third party that I was not going to try anymore to save our marriage. What we are doing is not working. I can't give anymore without getting something in return. He said he would do anything to keep us together and asked what I need. I told him he had to find someone to help us fix our marriage and I would come. That was on Thursday. He hasn't done anything yet even though he's been home by himself. I, on the other hand, have been transporting 3 kids and trying to work. I'm not really sure he wants to save us. I'm hoping next week brings some kind of improvement. At least he is better now and can go back to work and the kids will be back in school. Spring break was hell for me and I've never been so happy for the end of a 'vacation'.

Little Bird is fine

The ultrasound didn't show anything suspicious. Her belly button is still abnormal and the doctor said it might form a granuloma in the future and need cosmetic surgery, but it is not anything we need to be worried about. I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about putting such a young baby under general anesthesia. Everything else is still just as bad. Professor is very sick so I'm back to single parent status. On my first week back at work I've been calling in sick almost every day. Now Sunshine probably has an ear infection from what's left of her illness. If I catch this crap I will crawl in a hole and let the whole world implode. I just.can't.take.anymore. Tonight I am seriously considering taking the baby and staying in a hotel for a couple of days. Just the kids not doing the dishes like I asked is about to push me over the edge.

I used to think I was a really strong person, that I could deal with almost anything. But I'm starting to feel so crushed by all this, and most of it isn't even the major catastrophes. It's just the day to day of trying to get to work, get home, make dinner, help with homework, clean up, and try to sleep.

Oh - and did I mention that because of a crappy daycare and the Professor not giving me a start date that we now have no daycare? He goes back to work on Monday and we have nowhere to put the baby. Come to think of it, I am enabling him by looking for another daycare. I should really just sit back and wait to see what he does. But then again, his first solution when I told him was to quit his job. I guess I have to decide which scenario would be the hardest for me. I wish I had a fucking partner instead of a fourth child. I'm so tired of this shit.

Oh Boy

My last post was pretty prophetic. I have thought almost every day that I really needed to post. Besides knowing there are some special people out there who are rooting for me and want updates, I need the outlet. Unfortunately, with the new baby and all the other problems I'm dealing with my blogging has taken back seat to my need to sleep. It sucks because I have no time to see a therapist and I desperately need one. Blogging has been a cheap form of therapy for me and I miss it.

Things are hard. Really fucking hard. So hard I find myself getting something close to panic attacks when I stop to think about how I can get out of this and realize I can't. I am living in a war zone. The fighting is continuous and only getting louder and more violent. No one has gotten hurt (yet) but the emotional toll is devastating all the same. I just can't imagine how people survive families where the fights are always physical as well.

My husband is not willing to work on the issues we have. He says I believe he can't do anything right and everything is his fault, nearly word for word what our traumatized teenage daughter says. Funny thing, though, when she says it my husband says she is pulling the "oh, woe is me" card, trying to get everyone to feel sorry for her. I called him on it and he denies that he says the same thing. I really need to record this stuff. The level of denial they both have is astounding.

I came to a couple of devastating realizations the other day. The fundamental problem is the the Professor HAS to be right. He cannot accept that he is mistaken, wrong, or responsible. That problem cannot be fixed unless he is willing to admit it is a problem, which he can't do because he can't admit the problem might lie with him. I don't see any hope in that situation for an improvement. There is only so much I can do to work around that attitude without damaging the children. I can't meet him where he is because it is borderline (and maybe sometimes over the borderline) abusive. I can't watch my kids grow up feeling that every step they make is the wrong one, that they are stupid and worthless, and that nothing they do will ever be good enough. I've lived that, it will destroy them. This led me to my second realization. Many people that don't understand adoption have suggested that we "get rid of" Flower because she is "damaged". Even if I agreed with that, which I emphatically don't, it wouldn't help. The same personality trait that keeps the Professor from bonding with her and causes all the fighting is also the same trait that is turning my sweet, funny, intelligent 6 year old into a raging spoiled brat. The way he parents there is no way my kids can grow up happy, confident, and secure. If he won't work on it then there is only one solution left to me besides watching the destruction. I can't alleviate the damage without causing more problems. I've seen what happens when parents undermine each other and the kids learn that the parents don't respect each other. There is no happy ending here if he won't get on board.

He asked me if I want him to leave. I don't, I want him to help me fix this, but no matter how many times we talk about this the ending is always the same. He's not good enough, he can't do anything right, the kids don't respect him, I don't back him up. I don't think he has ever said "I will try this new method" without prefacing it by saying "I know it won't work, but . . .". I don't have any idea how to combat that defeatist attitude and even our family therapist has said she doesn't think he will ever work on his issues or become the partner I need him to be.

Today was hell. We had an hour long argument about all this stuff before I went to work . When I got to work I called the doctor about my 6 week old's diarrhea and they wanted to see her. At the office they told us that she may have a birth defect that will require surgery. It isn't life threatening but the thought of putting a baby that small under general anesthesia has me all wound up. Not to mention the specter of a little boy with birth defects who never drew his first breath. Her ultrasound is tomorrow so I will update when I know more.

After we got home there was more arguing and then Flower and the Professor got into it again. The screaming (both of them) and throwing things (Flower) scared little Sunshine so I had Professor take Sunshine and Little Bird out for a while to let everyone calm down. I am certain one of these days these arguments will turn into fist fights and I will lose one or both of them.

Things that don't mix well: a new baby and a traumatized teen

I knew this was going to be very, very hard, and boy, was I right. Adding a new baby to the family with an attachment challenged and traumatized teen already on board is a little like buying a ticket on the Titanic. You might survive, but you are in for a hellish ride.

I had planned after adopting Flower that we would wait a year or two (depending on how things went with her) and then look into adopting a baby or toddler from foster care, possibly even domestic infant adoption. After 5 years of not getting pregnant on my own I was reasonably sure I would not be having another baby (insert hysterical laughter). I wanted to give Flower time to adjust to a new family and a chance to attach before adding another member. When I found out I was pregnant I was pretty angry at myself for being so selfish. I had thought about making sure I wouldn't get pregnant but I was not willing to give up completely. I'm sure a few years from now I will be able to fully appreciate our fantastic luck, but right now I still feel horribly guilty.

I was expecting Flower to react badly to having an infant in the house. I failed to anticipate just how badly that would be. She was fine the week we had the baby, but only because my brother came down after the incident when the Professor left for a day after an argument with her. My brother stayed for 2 weeks and made it a point to lavish attention on Flower. She thought he was the best thing since apple pie. The day after he left, when she was faced with exhausted parents and all the attention on the new baby, she totally lost it. For the next week and a half we had daily full on rages with cursing, screaming, throwing things and just general disrespect and defiance. She began skipping school, her lying and attempts at control got really out of hand and things just went downhill fast. I confess I just didn't deal with it because I was too exhausted from a very hard birth and having to care for a new baby. I wish my husband was more capable because this would have been a great time for them to bond, but of course they are like oil and fire together and he just made everything worse.

Things came to a head a couple of weeks ago. I can't go into the details of what happened but it led to Flower staying in the psych unit for a few days and lots of changes at home. The most drastic change is that Flower is no longer allowed contact with her biological family, even her siblings. This was by order of someone else, not our decision. I think it was cruel to cut her off from her siblings but I am glad biomom is no longer in the picture. Needless to say this is not sitting well with Flower and I suspect when it really sinks in she will have to process their loss all over again and her behaviors will make this month look like a picnic. There is talk of long term residential treatment, but the only place that can take her has a month and a half long waiting list. We aren't really sure that would help her anyway. It might give us a break but it won't help with her attachment and if she isn't willing to work on her issues, it won't help her heal. It could (and likely would) just make everything worse because she would feel like we were getting rid of her, just like everyone else did when things got hard. Unfortunately, we may not get a choice if the safety of our younger children becomes an issue.

Things have been calmer since she came home but I think it is only because she is afraid of losing more things in her life so she is keeping a tight lid on her anger. That lid is bound to blow, and when it does it will be ugly. The Professor has responded to her anger and attitude by cracking down. I think this is the worst time to do that. She has ended up a virtual prisoner at home with no healthy outlets for her emotional turmoil. We are getting pretty intensive intervention services from our adoption support team, but I don't think it's going to help unless the Professor and Flower are willing to change.

Things between me and the Professor are really strained. We are not on the same page when it comes to how to handle Flower. I'm not sure we are really in the same book. I'm still pretty upset about how much he has put on me when I'm least able to handle it. I am also really sick and tired of seeing the same behaviors in my supposedly mature husband that I am seeing in our very troubled 15 year old. He still won't listen to anything I or the therapists tell him. All he does is argue and lash out. He uses sarcasm and anger to get his feelings heard and takes every comment as a judgement on his worth as a person and his ability to parent. Even the therapist was visibly disgusted after our last session. I don't have a clue how to go about fixing things when I am the only one trying. I'm not trying to say I'm perfect, or even that I know what I'm doing. I know I have things to work on as well. The difference is that I'm willing to admit that and ask for help. I'm not fighting against the idea that I can't do this on my own. I know I don't have all the answers. I just wish to God he would even admit there are questions to ask.

On the plus side - the new baby (Little Bird) is doing great and growing like a weed. Breastfeeding has been very different this time around, but more on that later, If I get a chance to blog with all this craziness around here!

Birth Story

This is copied from an email I sent to my sister so if some things are out of date or just out of context, ignore them. I apparently gave birth to a koala bear. She will only really sleep curled up on my chest. Very hard to blog that way! There is lots going on with Flower that I need to talk about but I haven't found the time with both hands free. Maybe next week. For now, here is the birth story (with much oversharing of intimate body function details) for the curious.


I went to my chiropractor on Wednesday and started the damn contractions again. Right about the time &&&& got the car packed up to go to the hospital they stopped. I was up all night with them so when I did go to the hospital on Thursday to start the induction, I'd had about 2 hours of sleep. I was dilated 3cm so they just gave me pitocin. I was still contracting at that point, just not what I would have considered labor. I think if I had waited I would have done that for another day or two and then gone in to labor on my own. Of course by then I would have been a zombie so I'm not sure I regret it.

Labor kicked in hard about 11am and seemed really easy compared to ****'s, which I was stupid enough to mention. About 3pm or so things got really intense and they made me get out of the tub (God - I loved that thing, what a difference), thinking they had to call my doctor since she was 20 minutes away. At that point I was only a 5 or 6 though, so I was pretty disappointed. It wasn't long before I started feeling like pushing but my water hadn't broken yet and my cervix wasn't progressing. The doctor came by and broke my water and had me try a few pushes. That's when she discovered I had a ring scar on my cervix that she thought was preventing it opening all the way. I'm guessing that was from my endometrial biopsy, who knows. God bless my doctor. Rather than assume I wouldn't progress and do a c-section she spent almost 3 hours massaging my cervix and pushing it around the baby's head while I pushed. She was worried pushing not fully dilated would cause the cervix to swell so they made me stop pushing for awhile. That part was absolute hell. My body was ready to push - be damned what my cervix wanted. I literally could not stop. They kept yelling at me to not push and I really, really tried but it was impossible. I did a whole heck of a lot of screaming. I felt a lot better when they let me push but it went on forever. At some point my smart ass husband mentioned that it would be funny if Alida was waiting until 6 to be born because **** was born at six. It was only about 4 when he said this. I still want to kill him. I'm not sure exactly how long I pushed because I don't know when I started, but it was at least 2.5 hours, probably closer to 3. I had several moments I was sure I would never get that baby out and was past the point of thinking I couldn't do anymore around 6. The only thing that kept me trying is that I was afraid they would make me stop pushing while they got me prepped for a c-section and I just couldn't handle the thought of that much pain again. It paid off, though. At 630ish I was finally able to get her head out. Her shoulder was stuck so I ended up with an episiotomy (fucking ow), and both the doctors hands inside turning the baby (really fucking ow). There was a whole bunch more screaming. She was only stuck for a minute, the doc called it mild dystocia, and just needed a minute to get a good cry. She was plopped on my chest and trying to nurse within 5 minutes of delivery. That part was so amazing. The doula told me to let her try on her own and it was incredible watching her know just where to go and managing to get her floppy head in the right position. That right there made the no medication part worth it to me. Her response was world's better than ****'s and I wasn't stuck with paralyzed legs. All in all it was a worse delivery than ****'s even though it was shorter, but I was pretty happy with it for being on pitocin the whole time.