Several terrible things are going on that will impact women in the States. If you care about these things, PLEASE VOTE.
Complaining and blogging and writing letters to people who don't give a damn will not change this. Voting is the only weapon we have. USE IT.
See here for the specifics. I'm too tired to post it all again and Cecily's cursing says it all for me.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Weird and Cool
That is what M called us yesterday. We were driving somewhere after I had picked her up from a disastrous school dance. She had been in a rotten mood and taking it out on K. I had mostly ignored it and told her I was really sorry she didn't have a good time. She eventually cooled off and then out of the blue she told me she was really glad she got to meet our family. She said we are a really weird, cool family.
That's a title I'm definitely happy to claim. If only I could hold that little moment of happiness for her to see whenever she needed it. The more attached I get the more I want, no need, to fix what has been done to her. But I know I can't. I hope she has more and more of those happy moments. She deserves them so much.
That's a title I'm definitely happy to claim. If only I could hold that little moment of happiness for her to see whenever she needed it. The more attached I get the more I want, no need, to fix what has been done to her. But I know I can't. I hope she has more and more of those happy moments. She deserves them so much.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
feeling like a worm
Actually, I like worms. Maybe I'm feeling like a maggot.
I have guilt issues. I always want to fix everything and make everyone happy. Let me tell you, this is not the easiest trait to have when dealing with discipline and children. M was just caught out in a lie she has been sustaining for over 2 weeks now. I pretty much knew she was lying but didn't have proof until Friday. I gave her lots of chances to fess up without outright accusing her of lying. I was afraid if I was wrong that she would never trust me. Well now she has been found out and was grounded for the weekend. It's been pretty hard on her because I went to look at a house for sale with K and not her yesterday, and today some family friends were doing a birthday thing she is missing out on. She just cried herself to sleep on the couch. I feel like I'm kicking puppies. She says she doesn't understand why she is in trouble for longer than K (K is 5), that she feels left out, and goes back and forth about whether she even lied.
She started her new school a little over 2 weeks ago. We asked every day if she had homework. She said no all but 2 times. I was sure she had some so I gave her a chance to admit she wasn't doing it. I told her I would be very surprised if she wasn't getting homework; she said she was doing it in school. I finally got her grade log in to work on Friday and the highest grade she has is a 30%. She hasn't turned in a single assignment since she started the new school. When I confronted her she claimed she didn't know she had to do them, but I found most of the assignments blank in her notebook. I know she has memory problems so it was conceivable she forgot they were there, but then she kept changing her story. I am pretty convinced she knew she had homework and chose to lie, but I think her motives were not laziness (more on that in a minute).
I knew this was a problem she had with her previous school so I did everything I could think of, short of following her to school, to help her get a better start. It wasn't the grades themselves that caused the discipline, it was the lying. I was not completely on board with punishing her but backed up my husband when he said there should be consequences for lying. My gut is telling me that this is the wrong way to handle it but I can't tell if that's because I can't stand to see her hurting, or because this is not the best way to help her.
I personally don't think she understands that staying home and not having fun is a consequence for lying. I think she feels rejected and isolated, and doesn't understand why. I know her previous foster parents were even more punitive, and screamed a lot, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I feel in my heart there is a better way to get through to this kid. I think she lies because she has been trained to. She is used to getting screamed at for bad grades, never mind that she has never been in the same school for an entire school year, her father sometimes "forgot" to even send her to school, and she has had more homes in the last 9 years than many people do in a lifetime. She's expected to get passing grades and no one has even evaluated her for learning problems. So to keep from getting screamed at she lied about getting stuff done. She was going to get in trouble anyway, so why not prolong the inevitable by lying? So how do you work with that? Yes, lying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but can we really expect someone that has been lying her whole life just to survive to change the minute she moved in? How can I get that concept across to my husband? What do I even do with that? Should I not punish her but just point out what she could have done instead? Will she really learn anything that way? I'm so lost with this stuff. I thought I'd have a better idea of how to handle this stuff with all my research, but most of the things I read dealt more with violence and out of control behavior. I am out of my depth with these somewhat subtle destructive behaviors.
I tried to make sure she knew she hadn't lost our love. I stayed with her while she cried and told her I loved her and I wasn't trying to make her feel bad. I told her I was sorry she was feeling so bad. I hope that is enough for her to feel less rejected, I'm worried that it's not.
What I DID NOT do, which my stupid co-worker who adopted a baby said, was tell her that "if she wants to be in this family she has to take school seriously and try her best". What an a-hole he can be sometimes. I really hope his daughter doesn't have issues when she's older, and I hope to God that they never let him adopt an older child. That's a great idea - tell a kid that's had 3 failed adoptive placements that she can't be in our family if she isn't getting good grades. Idiot. The sad thing is that his feelings are not unusual. I don't understand why people are so willing to throw kids like M away. I just wish I knew the best way to help her.
I have guilt issues. I always want to fix everything and make everyone happy. Let me tell you, this is not the easiest trait to have when dealing with discipline and children. M was just caught out in a lie she has been sustaining for over 2 weeks now. I pretty much knew she was lying but didn't have proof until Friday. I gave her lots of chances to fess up without outright accusing her of lying. I was afraid if I was wrong that she would never trust me. Well now she has been found out and was grounded for the weekend. It's been pretty hard on her because I went to look at a house for sale with K and not her yesterday, and today some family friends were doing a birthday thing she is missing out on. She just cried herself to sleep on the couch. I feel like I'm kicking puppies. She says she doesn't understand why she is in trouble for longer than K (K is 5), that she feels left out, and goes back and forth about whether she even lied.
She started her new school a little over 2 weeks ago. We asked every day if she had homework. She said no all but 2 times. I was sure she had some so I gave her a chance to admit she wasn't doing it. I told her I would be very surprised if she wasn't getting homework; she said she was doing it in school. I finally got her grade log in to work on Friday and the highest grade she has is a 30%. She hasn't turned in a single assignment since she started the new school. When I confronted her she claimed she didn't know she had to do them, but I found most of the assignments blank in her notebook. I know she has memory problems so it was conceivable she forgot they were there, but then she kept changing her story. I am pretty convinced she knew she had homework and chose to lie, but I think her motives were not laziness (more on that in a minute).
I knew this was a problem she had with her previous school so I did everything I could think of, short of following her to school, to help her get a better start. It wasn't the grades themselves that caused the discipline, it was the lying. I was not completely on board with punishing her but backed up my husband when he said there should be consequences for lying. My gut is telling me that this is the wrong way to handle it but I can't tell if that's because I can't stand to see her hurting, or because this is not the best way to help her.
I personally don't think she understands that staying home and not having fun is a consequence for lying. I think she feels rejected and isolated, and doesn't understand why. I know her previous foster parents were even more punitive, and screamed a lot, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I feel in my heart there is a better way to get through to this kid. I think she lies because she has been trained to. She is used to getting screamed at for bad grades, never mind that she has never been in the same school for an entire school year, her father sometimes "forgot" to even send her to school, and she has had more homes in the last 9 years than many people do in a lifetime. She's expected to get passing grades and no one has even evaluated her for learning problems. So to keep from getting screamed at she lied about getting stuff done. She was going to get in trouble anyway, so why not prolong the inevitable by lying? So how do you work with that? Yes, lying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but can we really expect someone that has been lying her whole life just to survive to change the minute she moved in? How can I get that concept across to my husband? What do I even do with that? Should I not punish her but just point out what she could have done instead? Will she really learn anything that way? I'm so lost with this stuff. I thought I'd have a better idea of how to handle this stuff with all my research, but most of the things I read dealt more with violence and out of control behavior. I am out of my depth with these somewhat subtle destructive behaviors.
I tried to make sure she knew she hadn't lost our love. I stayed with her while she cried and told her I loved her and I wasn't trying to make her feel bad. I told her I was sorry she was feeling so bad. I hope that is enough for her to feel less rejected, I'm worried that it's not.
What I DID NOT do, which my stupid co-worker who adopted a baby said, was tell her that "if she wants to be in this family she has to take school seriously and try her best". What an a-hole he can be sometimes. I really hope his daughter doesn't have issues when she's older, and I hope to God that they never let him adopt an older child. That's a great idea - tell a kid that's had 3 failed adoptive placements that she can't be in our family if she isn't getting good grades. Idiot. The sad thing is that his feelings are not unusual. I don't understand why people are so willing to throw kids like M away. I just wish I knew the best way to help her.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Better now
We haven't really resolved anything but the anger has faded. I can see we have a lot of work ahead of us. It's going to be tough to convince a kid that's been in foster care for 9 years that she can trust us and doesn't have to lie constantly. My husband and I really need to work on us before we will get anywhere with her. I'm hoping her therapy appointment tomorrow will be a good place for her. She says she hates therapy but I think if she found the right match it could help her tremendously.
I had some good news today that I'm excited about. I was offered a promotion at work. It means a pretty good raise but still no benefits. It's not what I want to do but it will give me some regulatory experience, which is the only way to move up in my field. It is the first really good financial news we've had in a really long time.
I'm a little more hopeful today, but cautious. I still expect the universe to kick me in the teeth.
I had some good news today that I'm excited about. I was offered a promotion at work. It means a pretty good raise but still no benefits. It's not what I want to do but it will give me some regulatory experience, which is the only way to move up in my field. It is the first really good financial news we've had in a really long time.
I'm a little more hopeful today, but cautious. I still expect the universe to kick me in the teeth.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Gloom
My husband and I just had a pretty big blow up fight. It's been brewing for awhile and I wish I had said something earlier before it got this bad. I'm angry, and hurt, and really scared. And I have this stupid knee jerk reaction that I hurt him by telling him how I feel and now *I* have to fix it. As you can probably see, that right there is one of the problems in our marriage.
My husband is strict, in my opinion too strict. I am not. I'm the mom that the neighbors hate because I send my daughter out in the rain and let her splash in the muddy puddles, causing all the other kids to beg and whine that they want to have fun too. My husband is the dad that requires shoes AND socks if you set one foot outside the door. This disparity is not going so well with one very stubborn and listening impaired five year old, and one very traumatized and brand new 14 year old. When the kids don't follow the rules it almost always ends in a fight. One of them will do something, or not do something, that annoys the strict one. The strict one will use his angry voice which sounds very condescending and mean, even though he doesn't mean it that way. The said child will continue to ignore the correction. The strict one will turn to the laid back one and demand that I back him up by enforcing whatever he told her to do/not do. I have pointed out to him that he undermines himself when he does this because why should they listen to him when he will just defer enforcement to me? He doesn't get it. He also doesn't get that he can't hold a child that has been in foster care most of her life to the same standard that he would hold a teenager without a traumatic past. I've tried and tried to explain trauma and it's affects and what I have read about reaching children like M. He won't hear me. He's even read some of the blog posts that I've pointed out that mirror our situation very closely. He still doesn't get it.
I tried for awhile to call him on it when I heard him using the "angry voice" with M, but all that did was cause loud and angry fights right in front of the kids. SO NOT HELPFUL. I think you should sometimes argue in front of your kids, if you are arguing in a healthy way. It helps them to see how to resolve conflict. The problem is that we don't argue in a healthy way. He immediately gets defensive and won't hear what I am trying to say. He will verbally attack me instead of discussing something. His immediate reaction is always like a kid getting punished, a knee-jerk "I didn't do it!" I can't ever remember a time he admitted that I was right. He will apologize, but it's a politician's apology. "I'm sorry what I said upset you," or "I didn't mean to snap at you." I get so frustrated with this, and feel so emotionally threatened, that my response is often to walk away. That usually results in him getting really mad and sarcastic. Or I just start cursing because I'm so fuming mad that he is talking to me like I am a misbehaving 3 year old. So we both have issues that contribute to really poor communication. I've tried to get him to see a counselor with me to work on our communication. He insists we don't have a problem. Which leaves me with really dark thoughts that maybe the problem really isn't me.
Bleh - I'm really just venting right now. I'm still pretty pissed, worried about how M is going to deal with this tension, and sad. Some days I feel like everything is a battle I have to fight and I'm doing it completely alone. In addition to an unresolved fight, I logged on to do my taxes but ended up checking my blog reader. A couple of wonderful ladies I follow have had their rainbow babies recently. I feel terrible saying it but no matter how happy I am for them, seeing those pictures hurts like a son of a bitch. Out of all the women I met online when I lost Aiden (over 30), only two have yet to have another baby, and one of them is single. I try to comfort myself with the fact that I now have 2 beautiful children, but I still feel the loss of not being able to get pregnant. It's a really frustrating tangle of guilt, sadness, anger, jealousy, and a whole host of other ugly emotions harder to name. I'm a mess tonight!
I'm never going to get these damn taxes done. How I wish I could just take a damn day off.
I've just re-read this post and I'm cringing about how bitchy and whiny it is. There is a whole lot more I want to say about our fight that is more introspective and less selfish, but I sliced off the tip of my pinky the other day and typing is challenging. I'm tired and depressed so I'll leave the introspection to another day. If you have advice on communicating with a spouse - or how to compromise on the strictness, I'm always willing to listen. If you got through this whole post you must be a saint or really bored!
My husband is strict, in my opinion too strict. I am not. I'm the mom that the neighbors hate because I send my daughter out in the rain and let her splash in the muddy puddles, causing all the other kids to beg and whine that they want to have fun too. My husband is the dad that requires shoes AND socks if you set one foot outside the door. This disparity is not going so well with one very stubborn and listening impaired five year old, and one very traumatized and brand new 14 year old. When the kids don't follow the rules it almost always ends in a fight. One of them will do something, or not do something, that annoys the strict one. The strict one will use his angry voice which sounds very condescending and mean, even though he doesn't mean it that way. The said child will continue to ignore the correction. The strict one will turn to the laid back one and demand that I back him up by enforcing whatever he told her to do/not do. I have pointed out to him that he undermines himself when he does this because why should they listen to him when he will just defer enforcement to me? He doesn't get it. He also doesn't get that he can't hold a child that has been in foster care most of her life to the same standard that he would hold a teenager without a traumatic past. I've tried and tried to explain trauma and it's affects and what I have read about reaching children like M. He won't hear me. He's even read some of the blog posts that I've pointed out that mirror our situation very closely. He still doesn't get it.
I tried for awhile to call him on it when I heard him using the "angry voice" with M, but all that did was cause loud and angry fights right in front of the kids. SO NOT HELPFUL. I think you should sometimes argue in front of your kids, if you are arguing in a healthy way. It helps them to see how to resolve conflict. The problem is that we don't argue in a healthy way. He immediately gets defensive and won't hear what I am trying to say. He will verbally attack me instead of discussing something. His immediate reaction is always like a kid getting punished, a knee-jerk "I didn't do it!" I can't ever remember a time he admitted that I was right. He will apologize, but it's a politician's apology. "I'm sorry what I said upset you," or "I didn't mean to snap at you." I get so frustrated with this, and feel so emotionally threatened, that my response is often to walk away. That usually results in him getting really mad and sarcastic. Or I just start cursing because I'm so fuming mad that he is talking to me like I am a misbehaving 3 year old. So we both have issues that contribute to really poor communication. I've tried to get him to see a counselor with me to work on our communication. He insists we don't have a problem. Which leaves me with really dark thoughts that maybe the problem really isn't me.
Bleh - I'm really just venting right now. I'm still pretty pissed, worried about how M is going to deal with this tension, and sad. Some days I feel like everything is a battle I have to fight and I'm doing it completely alone. In addition to an unresolved fight, I logged on to do my taxes but ended up checking my blog reader. A couple of wonderful ladies I follow have had their rainbow babies recently. I feel terrible saying it but no matter how happy I am for them, seeing those pictures hurts like a son of a bitch. Out of all the women I met online when I lost Aiden (over 30), only two have yet to have another baby, and one of them is single. I try to comfort myself with the fact that I now have 2 beautiful children, but I still feel the loss of not being able to get pregnant. It's a really frustrating tangle of guilt, sadness, anger, jealousy, and a whole host of other ugly emotions harder to name. I'm a mess tonight!
I'm never going to get these damn taxes done. How I wish I could just take a damn day off.
I've just re-read this post and I'm cringing about how bitchy and whiny it is. There is a whole lot more I want to say about our fight that is more introspective and less selfish, but I sliced off the tip of my pinky the other day and typing is challenging. I'm tired and depressed so I'll leave the introspection to another day. If you have advice on communicating with a spouse - or how to compromise on the strictness, I'm always willing to listen. If you got through this whole post you must be a saint or really bored!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
And the award goes to . . .
The move in went great. We really had no problems this weekend that I wouldn't expect from any teenager that was grounded and bored. There are things I'd like to write about but I lack the time to work it out in my head and get it down. So today I'll just post the blog awards that I promised.
My reading list is long and full of some amazing women. If you have time please do check out my blog roll. Someday I'll get around to categorizing it but I promise you everyone of them is worth a read. Below are the five that I chose for the versatile blogger award. I wanted to choose people that might not have a large readership and haven't recently gotten this award. It was hard to pick 5 because there are so many bloggers I love. I hope you enjoy your award ladies, you definitely deserve them. It's only to bad I can't include wine and chocolate!
The first four of the five blogs are some of my fellow babyloss moms. They are amazing women who survived the loss of a child and kept on breathing. It was a hard, hard thing they did and the world is richer for them sharing their experiences.
The award goes to:
This blog you must read, even if you have never lost a child. Her writing is so amazing it takes my breath away. I've linked a recent post of hers that has a poem that really affected me. Please pop over and tell her how amazing she is.
After Iris
This is my dear fried B. She lost her little snowflake a little before I lost my Aiden and our due dates were very close. She was always there for me in the horrible weeks that followed and has remembered when most other people forgot. I owe her more than I can say. I am happy to say she has her rainbow baby now and is doing an awesome job with the little guy.
Non Geordie Mum
Next up is another beautiful writer, Vera Kate. This woman has been through more than I can imagine and come out strong. Her love for her babies shines bright in her words. She is also a pretty awesome artist. Check her out.
Fox on the Run
Catherine is another mom that helped me make my way through the loss of my son. She is an amazingly gifted writer. She always manages to find a way to say the things I feel but can't explain. If you have ever lost a loved one her site is well worth the read.
Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
Last but not least is a writer I found when I started adding adoption blogs to my reader list. She is a passionate feminist and gay rights advocate. I always admire her take on things and the post I'm linking to is a very good read about assigning gender roles to children. It is a topic I think about frequently and she has some very thoughtful points to make.
a queer family grows in redneckville
That's it. Enjoy your award ladies. If you want to, the award asks that you list 7 things about yourself your readers don't know and pass this award on to five other bloggers. Have fun!
My reading list is long and full of some amazing women. If you have time please do check out my blog roll. Someday I'll get around to categorizing it but I promise you everyone of them is worth a read. Below are the five that I chose for the versatile blogger award. I wanted to choose people that might not have a large readership and haven't recently gotten this award. It was hard to pick 5 because there are so many bloggers I love. I hope you enjoy your award ladies, you definitely deserve them. It's only to bad I can't include wine and chocolate!
The first four of the five blogs are some of my fellow babyloss moms. They are amazing women who survived the loss of a child and kept on breathing. It was a hard, hard thing they did and the world is richer for them sharing their experiences.
The award goes to:
This blog you must read, even if you have never lost a child. Her writing is so amazing it takes my breath away. I've linked a recent post of hers that has a poem that really affected me. Please pop over and tell her how amazing she is.
After Iris
This is my dear fried B. She lost her little snowflake a little before I lost my Aiden and our due dates were very close. She was always there for me in the horrible weeks that followed and has remembered when most other people forgot. I owe her more than I can say. I am happy to say she has her rainbow baby now and is doing an awesome job with the little guy.
Non Geordie Mum
Next up is another beautiful writer, Vera Kate. This woman has been through more than I can imagine and come out strong. Her love for her babies shines bright in her words. She is also a pretty awesome artist. Check her out.
Fox on the Run
Catherine is another mom that helped me make my way through the loss of my son. She is an amazingly gifted writer. She always manages to find a way to say the things I feel but can't explain. If you have ever lost a loved one her site is well worth the read.
Between the Snow and the Huge Roses
Last but not least is a writer I found when I started adding adoption blogs to my reader list. She is a passionate feminist and gay rights advocate. I always admire her take on things and the post I'm linking to is a very good read about assigning gender roles to children. It is a topic I think about frequently and she has some very thoughtful points to make.
a queer family grows in redneckville
That's it. Enjoy your award ladies. If you want to, the award asks that you list 7 things about yourself your readers don't know and pass this award on to five other bloggers. Have fun!
Friday, January 13, 2012
MOVE IN DAY IS HERE!
I'm tied up in knots. I was okay until I got up this morning. I think I've just been in denial about how much this is going to change everything. I spent yesterday frantically trying to tie up all the loose ends so I was busy calling doctors and clinics and medicaid. I came to realize I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to parent a teenager - especially a traumatized teenager. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!!
Deep breaths.
I can do this. I didn't know how to parent a baby either and K is still alive and not killing puppies. Surely I can figure this out?
I'm excited too, it's just the old, insecure me popping up to inject a little axiety to make things interesting. We also have a slight complication that was not unexpected. M was a little off last weekend. She kept complaining of a stomach ache and was very withdrawn. On Wednesday she got into a dispute with someone at school and hid the girl's phone. She denied it so when she got caught she was suspended. Now instead of a fresh start at a new school she has to go back to her old school on a teacher work day and make up her finals. I had to convince my husband not to be too punitive with her. She created plenty of consequences all by herself. She missed her chance to say goodbye to all of her friends, the bus driver she really likes, and her church youth group. I'm planning on taking her back in a couple of weeks so she can visit those people but it won't be the same. Unfortunately we can't completely ignore the behavior and she missed the reviews for her finals so she'll spend the whole weekend studying instead of playing with her new family. It's not the best start but we knew to expect difficult times until she realizes she can trust us. I think the biggest hurdle is actually going to be my husband. He had not done any research like I have and doesn't know what therapeutic/positive parenting is. I've tried to tell him but I think he needs to see it in practice. I foresee a lot of after-the-kids-are-in-bed arguing. Ugh.
So - update to follow this weekend if I get the time. Wish us a smooth transition!
Deep breaths.
I can do this. I didn't know how to parent a baby either and K is still alive and not killing puppies. Surely I can figure this out?
I'm excited too, it's just the old, insecure me popping up to inject a little axiety to make things interesting. We also have a slight complication that was not unexpected. M was a little off last weekend. She kept complaining of a stomach ache and was very withdrawn. On Wednesday she got into a dispute with someone at school and hid the girl's phone. She denied it so when she got caught she was suspended. Now instead of a fresh start at a new school she has to go back to her old school on a teacher work day and make up her finals. I had to convince my husband not to be too punitive with her. She created plenty of consequences all by herself. She missed her chance to say goodbye to all of her friends, the bus driver she really likes, and her church youth group. I'm planning on taking her back in a couple of weeks so she can visit those people but it won't be the same. Unfortunately we can't completely ignore the behavior and she missed the reviews for her finals so she'll spend the whole weekend studying instead of playing with her new family. It's not the best start but we knew to expect difficult times until she realizes she can trust us. I think the biggest hurdle is actually going to be my husband. He had not done any research like I have and doesn't know what therapeutic/positive parenting is. I've tried to tell him but I think he needs to see it in practice. I foresee a lot of after-the-kids-are-in-bed arguing. Ugh.
So - update to follow this weekend if I get the time. Wish us a smooth transition!
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