The scan was great, so why am I so sad?

Baby looked perfect. Feisty, big and healthy. The tech again spent the whole time chasing the baby and laughing because there was so much movement it was hard to get good measurements. I spent a few minutes quietly freaking out because I thought there was way too little amniotic fluid and she wasn't telling me. It wasn't until after the appointment that I remembered I had hydroamnios with Aiden because he couldn't swallow and process amniotic fluid. It underscored again how very different this pregnancy is.

Oh, by the way, the little dragon is a girl.

I have a confession to make. I'm disappointed with the gender. Don't think for a second that I don't want this baby, but in my deepest heart I think I was trying to replace Aiden. I know children aren't interchangeable. I can't really untangle all the feelings I have about this pregnancy but I'll try to explain.

I'm not good at explaining this so please don't be offended if you have a special needs child (or just don't read this). These are my thoughts and feelings about my pregnancy that failed, not about sick children in general.

Part of what really screwed me up when Aiden died is that I didn't ever mourn the son I had. I mourned the son who never really existed because I had this picture in my head of a healthy infant who would have eventually walked and talked and joined in our daily lives. I never imagined a shell of a child that may have lived for hours, days, or years, but never would have done any of the things that children do. I still think that if I had any way of knowing he wouldn't have been in pain, I would have done things differently, but I still wouldn't have lived the image in my head. It's really that image that I mourned, and that image I still clung to before I knew the gender of my little miracle. I hoped I still had a chance of making that dream come true and now I never will. I think this sadness is just continued mourning for the lost possibilities, not really disappointment.

I suppose I wasn't really trying to replace Aiden, just the dreams I had when I was pregnant with him. That thought makes me squirm inside because it feels too much like apathy towards the little life I held so briefly. I have forgotten much of that last pregnancy, out of a twisted kind of self-preservation. The good parts hurt too much to remember and the bad parts were so LOUD. Now I am left with what feels like a really awful dream and the fading feeling of being the mom of a little boy. He feels less real now and I hate that.

I don't know if this makes much sense. Maybe when I've had a little time to process this news I will feel different and be happier. Right now I just wish I had a healthy 2 year old running me ragged and driving his sisters nuts.

This fucking sucks. I haven't hurt like this in over a year and I should be happy.

trying to hold it together

I'm writing this on my new toy, a tablet put out by a book store that does not start with the letter a. I'ts kind of a pain typing on a virtual keyboard, so this will be short. I am four days away from the gestational age we were at when we were told our precious litle boy wouldn't make it. I am not as much of a wreck as i thought i would be, but this is not easy. Everytime someone asks when we will find out what we are having i want to shake them and yell that the sex is not important, the ability to breathe and eat is. Even the people who know damn well what we went through just dont get it. The good thing is that i can feel this little one and it is much more active than Aiden ever was. I will take that as a good sign. Four more days and i will bedoing better, or much worse. I hope it goes by fast.

I am getting really annoyed with this keyboard now. I never realized how often i used apostrophes and arrow keys before. Definitely sticking to the laptop for blogging.

Anyway, will update after the big scary scan on tuesday, wish us luck.

Rocky road

Things with M are not going very well. There have been big arguments and lots of misplaced anger every time she sees or talks to her birth mom. She blames us for not getting to see her as much as she wants, even though I've bent over backwards trying to set stuff up and keep getting blown off by birth mom. My husband, in his infinite wisdom, told M that her mom was blowing her off. I could have killed him. Anybody with a brain and some empathy would have known she would never accept that explanation and just gotten angrier. Guess what happened?

A huge part of me wants to just cut off the visits or limit them to the phone but the more grown up part realizes that is just a cop out. Just because this isn't easy doesn't mean it isn't worth doing. I'm hoping she will come to realize her birth family is unreliable but even if she doesn't, I don't think keeping contact is going to harm her. If I start to see that it is, I will of course change my plan. I read an article by an adult that aged out of foster care not too long ago. This person was arguing that sometimes it isn't appropriate to remove children from a home when poverty and non-life threatening neglect are the main issues. I tend to agree with that in this case. I think if M had been left with her mother she would have been okay. Maybe not a great success in life but less emotionally scarred than she is now. I really do think 9 years in foster care and two disrupted adoptions did more damage than a careless mother and living in poverty would have. But what is done cannot be undone and all I can do now is hope that M will take the chances she is being given for a better future.

Now if only I could get my husband on the same page. Where I see a hurt and un-trusting child, he sees a self-centered almost adult. He forgets all the time that her emotional maturity is probably closer to 9 than 15. He expects her to act as if she cares what we think and what effect her actions or words have on others. I think she is still in survival mode. Everything is about what makes her feel safer or more accepted. If that means other people are suffering, I doubt she even has the ability to recognize that. Even if she does, she probably doesn't care. She can be a very sweet kid but she has had zero control over her life. She sees every rule and every correction as another way to make her into something she is not. So she is oppositional and defiant, even if it is something as simple as not wearing her shoes in the house. The battles of will are nearly constant now. I can sometimes avoid the battles or diffuse them, but with my husband they just escalate to the point where M completely loses control. She injured her wrist on purpose hitting a wall the other day, and is talking more and more frequently of hurting herself.

I can't tell how much of her anger is us trying to reduce her medications, or adjusting to a new family, or starting high school, or getting to know her mother again. There are just too many confounding factors. I just wish we could get through one day without the verbal sparring, tantrums (and not just the kids), and other problems. I wish there was some way to get through my husband's head and make him actually LISTEN instead of reacting. Even he says she needs to see a counselor at least once a week (right now it's only twice a month). Has he done anything to make that happen? Nope. I am doing all I can to get through each day, keep everyone fed, and keep the appointments that are necessary. I can't take care of everyone else all by myself. He has got to realize that if he wants things to get better he has to do something other than complain. I have no clue how to get that through his stubborn little head.

If anyone has parenting book suggestions, particularly ones my husband might actually read, PLEASE leave a comment. We need some serious help over here.

You guys are the best

I just knew asking here would be my best bet. Thank you! I took everyone's advice and ordered the sonoline-b. I forget who I ordered it from but they had free shipping and it still got here before I could really work up my anxiety, I think it was about 3 or 4 days. I had a little trouble the first time but my husband found it right away when he tried. I pretty much check every day, it's been a lifesaver in regards to my anxiety.

I'm sorry I haven't updated. Things are pretty tough with M right now. I think we are moving out of the honeymoon phase and into the testing phase. I have a long post about it but I just haven't had time when it's safe to write. I can't wait until I have the money to buy my new tablet. Then I won't have to share a computer with 2 other people and worry about privacy.

I'm sick, again. Baby seems to be doing fine but this definitely ranks as my worst pregnancy. I got an upper respiratory infection that contributed to heat exhaustion, leading to my throwing up at work and having to beg a co-worker to take me to the ER so I didn't have to call an ambulance. I had a great Friday. After dropping $100 at the ER (cheap, I know, but still painful) the stupid doc didn't even treat the infection and it got worse and worse over the weekend. Now I am on an inhaler and z-pack and will miss even more work, meaning no pay. I haven't saved a single penny towards my unpaid maternity leave because I haven't gotten one full paycheck since I got pregnant. This is not helping with my anxiety. How can we be the only first world country that doesn't have paid maternity leave? It boggles my mind. And people wonder how American women can die of preventable pregnancy complications.

Anyway, we're all okay for now. I can already breathe better so I think I avoided the pneumonia everyone was trying to scare me with. I apologize for my lack of commenting lately. I am still reading and keeping many of you in my thoughts.

P.S. THANK GOD SCHOOL STARTED TODAY!

Fetal doppler?

I am admitting defeat. After hearing the heartbeat I can only keep my anxiety in check for about 5 days. My next appointment is in 3 weeks. This is not good for my peace of mind. Does anybody know an affordable (by affordable I mean under $100) fetal monitor that works reliably? I'm 15 weeks now so I should be able to hear it. I can actually feel the baby but sometimes days go by without definitive thumps. I need some help here!

Biological family dilemma

The pregnancy is still really miserable. Really intense morning sickness has been taken over by really intense migraines. I was expecting that because I had them daily with my daughter. It still sucks hairy monkey balls to go through it again. I'm hoping the blood pressure medicine they have me on will help but it makes me really, really nervous to be on so many medicines while pregnant. I hope this little one has good kidneys.

Anyway - on to the real topic.

I haven't posted much on here about our new daughter, mostly because I just don't have much time and this whole baby thing really threw me for a loop. Having a teenager in the house that has a whole life prior to meeting us has been interesting to say the least. I'm still learning all her likes and dislikes and what sets her off. I daily struggle with trying to identify where something is coming from when I just can't understand her behavior. Overall she is a really good kid who has come through 9 years of foster care and losing her entire family amazingly well. I admire her stength but worry that what looks like coping is actually avoiding dealing with things. Only time will tell.

So - for the current major dilemma. M is 15 and when she was removed she was the middle child of 5 children. The oldest ran away from the relative placement and aged out of foster care. The other 4 were adopted by an aunt and uncle (from the father's side) while M was sent back to foster care. M is very close to her siblings and hasn't seen any of them in 2 years, they live on the opposite side of the country from us. M's biological mother, the one who had parental rights terminated several years ago, lives in the same town we do. After M was adopted by us we told her she could have visits with her mom. My husband is not thrilled about this but understood that it was very important to M. I come from a very long history of adoption and I know first hand what it means to people to have a relationship with their birth families. We did a lot of questioning to make sure M's mom was not a danger to her. She was never abusive that we know of, it just seems like she chose to stay with the wrong man and made a series of really bad decisions that were compounded by poverty. I don't think M would have the chances in life with her first mom that she will with us, but I also don't think her mom is a bad person of a bad influence. I would be fine with her having a major role in M's life. My husband is not. He tolerates taking M to visit her but doesn't want her over here. That is a problem now because M's older brother, who she adores, just moved back in with their mom. M wants to spend as much time as possible with her brother, which is hard with our schedules if they can't come over here.

I know I will have to back my husband up on this and not let the birth family come to our home, but I will hate like hell when I have to tell M that. I know she won't understand and will be very angry. It's going to be really hard to explain to her when I don't agree with how my husband feels. I don't even really know what to say to her other than we just aren't comfortable (which feels kind of like lying) or just letting my husband explain. I can see that going well.

Anyway - if anyone has some thoughts on how to tell her that her other family can't visit here, I'm all ears. I really don't know what to say.

Miracles DO happen

Dubbed "little dragon" mostly because of the extreme discomfort I've been dealing with, but also for a strong spirit. Not only did this little one pass the NT scan with flying colors, he/she gave an impressive show of his/her spring-boarding skills. Baby was sound asleep in a bad position when the scan started, but once we woke it up, it wouldn't be still. The ultrasound tech was laughing, chasing the little monster all over the place trying to get a good picture. The difference between this scan and Aiden's was so profound. We could tell right away how healthy this one was and I can't stop smiling when I remember watching those tiny feet kicking off of my uterus over and over again. Such a weight is lifted from my spirit and I finally remember how magical my first ultrasound with my daughter was. Life is pretty damn incredible sometimes. The worry is, of course, not gone. The downside of the incredible support I found on the web is that I now know about a million horrible ways babies can die, but I am actually looking to the future now. Now if the physical misery will back off a bit, I may actually make it through the next 6 months.

Thank you everyone for being here, you keep me going!