Biological family dilemma

The pregnancy is still really miserable. Really intense morning sickness has been taken over by really intense migraines. I was expecting that because I had them daily with my daughter. It still sucks hairy monkey balls to go through it again. I'm hoping the blood pressure medicine they have me on will help but it makes me really, really nervous to be on so many medicines while pregnant. I hope this little one has good kidneys.

Anyway - on to the real topic.

I haven't posted much on here about our new daughter, mostly because I just don't have much time and this whole baby thing really threw me for a loop. Having a teenager in the house that has a whole life prior to meeting us has been interesting to say the least. I'm still learning all her likes and dislikes and what sets her off. I daily struggle with trying to identify where something is coming from when I just can't understand her behavior. Overall she is a really good kid who has come through 9 years of foster care and losing her entire family amazingly well. I admire her stength but worry that what looks like coping is actually avoiding dealing with things. Only time will tell.

So - for the current major dilemma. M is 15 and when she was removed she was the middle child of 5 children. The oldest ran away from the relative placement and aged out of foster care. The other 4 were adopted by an aunt and uncle (from the father's side) while M was sent back to foster care. M is very close to her siblings and hasn't seen any of them in 2 years, they live on the opposite side of the country from us. M's biological mother, the one who had parental rights terminated several years ago, lives in the same town we do. After M was adopted by us we told her she could have visits with her mom. My husband is not thrilled about this but understood that it was very important to M. I come from a very long history of adoption and I know first hand what it means to people to have a relationship with their birth families. We did a lot of questioning to make sure M's mom was not a danger to her. She was never abusive that we know of, it just seems like she chose to stay with the wrong man and made a series of really bad decisions that were compounded by poverty. I don't think M would have the chances in life with her first mom that she will with us, but I also don't think her mom is a bad person of a bad influence. I would be fine with her having a major role in M's life. My husband is not. He tolerates taking M to visit her but doesn't want her over here. That is a problem now because M's older brother, who she adores, just moved back in with their mom. M wants to spend as much time as possible with her brother, which is hard with our schedules if they can't come over here.

I know I will have to back my husband up on this and not let the birth family come to our home, but I will hate like hell when I have to tell M that. I know she won't understand and will be very angry. It's going to be really hard to explain to her when I don't agree with how my husband feels. I don't even really know what to say to her other than we just aren't comfortable (which feels kind of like lying) or just letting my husband explain. I can see that going well.

Anyway - if anyone has some thoughts on how to tell her that her other family can't visit here, I'm all ears. I really don't know what to say.

Miracles DO happen

Dubbed "little dragon" mostly because of the extreme discomfort I've been dealing with, but also for a strong spirit. Not only did this little one pass the NT scan with flying colors, he/she gave an impressive show of his/her spring-boarding skills. Baby was sound asleep in a bad position when the scan started, but once we woke it up, it wouldn't be still. The ultrasound tech was laughing, chasing the little monster all over the place trying to get a good picture. The difference between this scan and Aiden's was so profound. We could tell right away how healthy this one was and I can't stop smiling when I remember watching those tiny feet kicking off of my uterus over and over again. Such a weight is lifted from my spirit and I finally remember how magical my first ultrasound with my daughter was. Life is pretty damn incredible sometimes. The worry is, of course, not gone. The downside of the incredible support I found on the web is that I now know about a million horrible ways babies can die, but I am actually looking to the future now. Now if the physical misery will back off a bit, I may actually make it through the next 6 months.

Thank you everyone for being here, you keep me going!

A good day for the uninsured - plus an update

I'm celebrating today because something that has been a huge factor most of my adult life is now no longer an issue.

When I was 21 I was kicked out of my parents health insurance and left to my own devices. The college I went to was a commuter college and too small to have a full service clinic. That meant if I was sick or hurt I had to go to an emergency room or pay cash at my doctor's office. If you have never been sick and uninsured you do not understand what a big deal that is. Uninsured patients are required to pay cash up front and in full at most doctor's offices. They are charged almost twice (and sometimes more) than the going rate for a person with insurance. The emergency room can't turn you away but then you will owe thousands instead of hundreds.

As a sophomore with a regular job and a good scholarship, I had a decent amount of money. It wasn't enough to pay for my ongoing medical expenses, but it was enough to purchase a private health insurance plan for around $350 a month. But when I went to purchase said plan, I discovered how really screwed I was. No one would issue me a policy that would pay for any of the care I needed. Because I had "pre-existing" conditions I could buy a policy but it would not cover my brain (migraines), my endocrine system (hypothyroid), or my reproductive system (endometriosis).

I spent many years only going to the doctor when I was deathly ill and frequently not taking my medicine for my thyroid because I couldn't afford the doctor visit to get the prescription. The medicine is cheap - getting a doctor to do the blood test and write the scrip is not.

Over the last 13 years I've had a couple of jobs that offered insurance. I use it when I have it and my health suffers when I don't. For the last four years my husband's job has been providing our health insurance. We had to sign up for the more restrictive HMO (does not have infertility coverage) because it was the only way to cover my pre-existing conditions. His job barely pays enough to cover day care and our commuting costs, but he's had to keep it for the insurance.

Now, FINALLY, I can buy my own insurance. It might even become affordable. There are a lot of people around here that really hate the new law, but I find it hard to believe any of them have ever had to risk their health because they couldn't go to a doctor. I know Americans hate the government telling them they have to do something. I get that they feel their personal freedom is being threatened. But I want to ask them this: You don't want to be forced to buy insurance or pay a fee, but if you chose not to pay into this system, would you really not go to the ER if you were having a heart attack, knowing you had no coverage and couldn't afford the bill? I doubt it. You would go to the ER, have your life saved, and then complain that the cost of healthcare is unaffordable.

At last, someone was willing to stick their neck out and change this awful system we have. To him, I say thank you from the bottom of my heart.


I LOVE OBAMACARE!


On the baby front - I'm still pregnant. As of the last week the baby still had a heartbeat, although I'm nervous that she couldn't get a good measurement because of the position. That automatically translates in my head to 'the baby is not big enough and something is wrong with it'. I've lost my numbness. I never thought I'd make it to the 2nd trimester (12 days to go). I assumed I would miscarry and go on with my life. Now that I haven't (knock on wood) I am faced with my greatest fear: another heartbreaking choice to make and/or another 2nd trimester loss. I'm hanging in there so far.

The pain from my shoulder and neck is nearly gone. GOD BLESS my chiropractor. I can't believe she was able to fix it. That was literally the worst pain of my entire life. I'm still barely making it through each day (hence the lack of blog posts) because the nausea is still horrendous. I'm crossing everything that this will also get better in the next couple of weeks. The thought of dealing with this for another 6 months is completely overwhelming.

Unfortunately me being out of commission most of the time is taking a huge toll on the rest of the family. The arguing is nearly constant and M has had several huge emotional outburst in recent days. I think my mom is right and they are scared by how sick I am. Even though she won't admit it, I bet M is pretty mad that I'm being so selfish by having a baby right now, even if I had no way of knowing I would be so sick. I don't blame her, this was piss poor timing.

I have lots more to write because we are setting up a reunion with M and her bio-mom she was removed from. It's a big huge deal and I have lots to say about it, but the phenergen is making me to dopey to type anymore. Hopefully more updates after the big visit tomorrow. Wish us luck.

life and death as seen by a six year old

The talk I just had with my daughter:

K: Mommy, I think this baby is going to die because you're so sick.

M: No, baby. It's actually a good sign that I'm so sick, it means the baby is growing.

Skipping over the whole morning sickness explanation:

M: I wasn't very sick with baby Aiden. I think that was a sign something was wrong.

K: So he died because you weren't sick?

M: No, it was just a way to tell that something wasn't going well with the baby. But not always. Some people don't get sick.

K: I'll always have a baby brother.

M: Yes, you will.

K: For my whole life?

M: Yep.

K: When I die I'm going to see him and give him the biggest hug. But you're going to die first.

M: I better, I'm older. You should live a really long time. When I see Aiden I'll give him a really big hug and tell him you can't wait to see him.

K: -makes a funny strangling noise- then he'll probably say, can you stop that please?


Funny girl. Sometimes I love her so much I want to squeeze her and hold onto to that preciousness forever. God I hope this one makes it. I don't want to break her heart again.

Poor neglected bean

My last two pregnancies I was super paranoid about everything I did. I made sure I ate right. I rubbed my belly. I talked to the little ball of cells long before it grew the body parts to hear me.

This time, it's all I can do to remember I'm pregnant and can't drink that wine. I only eat what I think won't make me throw up. I take my vitamin but otherwise I try to pretend this isn't happening. That way I won't be crushed when it all goes to hell. I cringe whenever my husband or girls say something about the future with the baby. While they are making plans I have my head firmly planted in the sand. I was watching old episodes of Glee, a show with a pregnant teenager. So many people were focused on that baby. I felt so bad. I looked down at my stomach and whispered, "please grow up, little bean." I hope he/she knows that I'm not unhappy he/she is here, I just don't trust this.

I'm still in terrible pain but not quite as debilitating. I can't do much between that and the extreme nausea (good sign, right?). Two months until my neurologist appointment seems like a ridiculously long time. And I bet they won't do anything anyway. Our fridge is supposed to be fixed (please, please, please), but our master bath is still torn apart and that is annoying me greatly. Both of these are first world problems so I'm trying to keep them in perspective, but geez - can I get one thing at a time here?

Anyway - I guess mommy guilt is better than total denial, right?

Too sick for a good update

But I'll give a short one:

Thursday was the first OB appointment. I was a nervous wreck, especially when all she could find at first was the yolk sac. It was another damning black circle. I started crying and told my husband, "there's nothing there". She told us what she was seeing instead of being secretive, thank god, but it was really hard to be in the same room and see the same image as last time. Black circles are bad. BUT - she couldn't see the fetal pole with the wand so she looked over my belly. THERE'S AN ACTUAL LIVE (so far) BABY EMBRYO IN ME. Heartbeat and everything. I'm still having a hard time believing it. It's measuring right on time, which Aiden never did, and I'm sick as a dog already, so things are already looking much better.

The pain is a tiny bit better. I was able to go to work 2 days but not in the field. My OB gave me ty.lenol 3 so I am at least getting some relief, although I think the medicine is making me even more nauseous. I got an appointment with a neurologist but it's not for two months. I find I don't care all that much because it's unlikely I'll risk surgery before the baby is born.

We told the kids so they wouldn't get worried that I was so sick. My big worry was that M would be upset, thinking that we didn't want her anymore since we were finally getting a baby. She said she was happy and seemed excited. I know she really loves babies so I'm hoping that will help. She did get really sad later in the day after texting with her older brother. She misses her siblings so bad and isn't likely to ever get to see her nephew (brother's baby). I've told her we're saving money to take her to California, but it will take almost a year to save enough. That will be almost 4 years since she's seen any of them. I hate that we don't have the money for her to see them sooner.

There's a lot more I wanted to say about how confusing it is to be pregnant right now and how hard this pain is, but the nausea and headaches are horrible today. Thanks so much for all the sympathy in the last couple of posts. They helped get me through a pretty rough week.

This is not going so well

I thought I was getting better after I spent over $400 on the ER, the accupuncture, the chiropractor, and two massages, but Friday afternoon the pain became completely unbearable again and by the time I got home all I could do was lay face down on the floor and sob.

I'm not even 6 weeks yet. I can't imagine keeping my job if this doesn't get significantly better. I can't imagine spending the next 9 months laying on my back on the floor. The max I've spent off of the floor in the last 2 days was an hour in my rocking chair but I still had to have the heating pad or ice pack to tolerate it. I have literally never been in so much pain in my life. Even the car accident and labor without anesthetics was not this bad. I remember a few times during especially hard contractions that I had the desperate feeling of wanting to leave my body, but that only lasted a few minutes at a time, not hours, and it was over in 2 days. I've been going on two weeks tomorrow with this. I can only type in short bursts so getting any work done from home is going to be pretty difficult.

I'm pretty sure from the radiating pain and numbness in my arm that I've ruptured a disk in my neck. I can't get the kind of treatment that would allow me to return to work without a significant risk of miscarriage. I'm the major wage earner so losing my job would have some pretty sever consequences. I'm still hoping the chiropractor can get me mobile again but that will take time that we can't really afford. I could use some positive thoughts right now.