Nothing like a little drama to get me writing again

My alternative title: I think I cursed the universe one too many times. It is cursing me back.

I had to laugh today. I feel like the awkward guy in 2 1/2 Men when he thought he was cursed by a satanic girl Char.lie was dating. Here is the list of what has happened in the last 3 weeks.


Good: Our adoption of our teenage daughter from foster care is finalized. YIPEE!!

Bad: Our fridge breaks. We have it sort of working but can't put anything in it that will be damaged by freezing or go bad quickly. We're coping by shopping several times a week. We can't afford to replace it unless we get our money back from the IRS. Annoying but not the end of the world.

Good: I find out I'm pregnant. Awesome news except now I'm scared to death.

Bad: I do something horrible to my neck that has me laid up (on the floor) for going on 6 days now. I've already spent more money than I want to think about trying to get back to work since I don't get sick leave.

Good: I finally reach the IRS and find out the error that took most of our return is easy to fix but will take 3 months.

Bad: Dishwasher starts making horrible noises and my sister sent me a text that the shop vac she borrowed is blowing black smoke. I am ignoring both of these until forced to do something.

Really bad: A mysterious puddle of water in the laundry room turns out to be a rusted out master bathtub that has been slowly leaking for quite some time and created a very large patch of mold on the wall. Awesome. Thank God we are renting.

Bad: My left, lower eyelid started swelling and turning red and hurts. (whispers) just like that show where Al,an got cursed!


Up, down. Up, down. STRESSED! HAPPY! STRESSED! HAPPY!

If my head starts spinning you will know why.

If anyone has an in with the appliance fairy, I could really use a good word right now.

Looking back at this list I feel a little less persecuted. Even though the bad outnumbers the good right now, the good is so awesome that it outweighs the bad. I guess that's not so bad of a deal, overall.

Doctors are cowards (sorry sis)

If you mention severe pain and pregnancy in the same consult, be prepared to get shoved out the door. I'm really fucking sick of hearing "there's really nothing I can do for you."

I realize that taking pain medications while pregnant is a big risk. It's one I'd rather not take, but not even the supposed "alternative specialists" want anything to do with me. I don't think all this stress and anxiety and not sleeping would be good for a baby either.

I broke down in the doctor's office today. As soon as I said pregnant she acted like I was trying to hide something from her. It was on my damn chart! I swear everyone thinks I'm a morphine addict that just happened to get pregnant and is desperately trying to come up with a good enough reason to get a prescription. For the record - I've never taken morphine; my pain is bad, but not that bad. This new doctor is supposed to be a holistic practitioner and not a drug pusher. The first thing she mentioned was a different muscle relaxer. That did not inspire much confidence in me. I did get her to reluctantly agree to try a modified acupuncture and physical therapy. She wants to do traction on my neck, which will probably help a lot, but it just seemed like she really wanted me to give up and leave.

I can't possibly be the only pregnant person in the world that has a pre-existing chronic pain condition. Even not pregnant I rarely resort to narcotics, so it's not like I'm a heavy drug user. I just need some kind of treatment to help me handle the pain. It's so damn frustrating that our society has become so lawsuit happy that doctors will not even treat someone in dire need of help because they are so afraid of getting sued.

I'm continuing my self made regimen of ice, heat, stretching, Epsom salt baths, TENS, tiger balm, and high doses of magnesium and calcium. I'm seeing incremental improvement, but not enough to let me get any work done. My shoulder has loosened up enough that I can now tell a good deal of the intense pain is coming from my neck. I'm praying I don't have a blown disk.

The doctor spent several minutes asking why I wasn't excited about being pregnant, especially after I told her how long I've been trying. I told her it was just bad timing. For the rest of the day I've been trying to drum up some enthusiasm. It's hard because I don't feel pregnant at all, I haven't told anybody so I don't talk about it, and I really can't convince myself that pregnant means a baby somewhere down the line. I know this is kind of normal but I feel guilty about it, and worried. If I'm not super excited will the universe decide I don't want this? I do, more than anything. Although, honestly, if I was offered the choice of putting this on hold for another year (with foolproof assurance it would work in a year) I would probably leap at the chance. It's too bad I'm not a Sebacean.

It's what i get for loooking a gift horse in the mouth

I think most people understood that my last post was not me complaining about getting pregnant again after all this time,
I'm just terrified. we barely survived losing Aiden, I don't know if we could do that again. I've used the word "baby" only once so far. at this point it just seems like something that MAY happen, not a done deal. I SUCK at being pregnant, but I'm still very grateful.

Good news first:

The prometrium stopped the spotting and betas have doubled. my appointment with my old friend Mr. wandy is the 31st. If they put me in the same room as last time i will freak out. fair warning.

The bad news:

I'm typing (badly) one handed because my left arm is in a sling. The persistent muscle soreness/tightness in my shoulder has turned into a constant, agonizing spasm. The pain is unbelievable and i can't function at all. it's better today in that i can sit for a short time but nothing much is really helping. Thank goodness i have some good friends. I called someone to come cook yesterday because the husband is laid out with bronchitis (wimp). I can't stand, sit for long, lift anything or even get dressed. I have an appointment (made weeks ago) for a new doctor that is supposed to specialize in holistic methods for treating chronic pain from accidents. hopefully i can survive until Monday and she will be able to get me some relief. If someone told me that this torture was the only way to get a healthy baby, I'd do it with a smile, but i don't have sick leave and my family needs to eat.

At least the spasms aren't as strong today. it no longer feels like there is something the size of a mouse crawling around under my skin. Well, I've worn out my sitting time, back to lying on the floor. I'll try to keep updating, and thank you everyone for the well wishes.

Adoption: the magic cure for infertility

Yep. I am “that woman”. You know the one. You always hear about her from some obnoxious busy body who heard about your adoption plans after fighting with infertility. The friend’s sister’s cousin that got pregnant after she adopted.

But I can’t do it halfway. I get knocked up THE VERY NEXT DAY.

I kid you not. The universe has one fucked up sense of humor. I feel like I should be apologizing.

What makes this doubly ironic is that last Thursday was Aiden’s due date, the second anniversary. That blows my mind. If life were fair I would have a 2 year old running around instead of a pretty wooden urn. But I also wouldn’t have the wonderful, amazing, and loving teenager I can now call my daughter.

I feel shocked. I feel guilty. I’m worried about money, heartache, disappointment, and hurting M. I’m worried this is a very bad time in our rocky marriage to add a helpless infant. What I am not is happy. I wanted this so badly and now that it’s here, I just don’t know quite what to make of it. I don’t want to undo it, but I’m not so sure now this was a good idea. Mostly I think I am sure I won’t get this last bit of happiness. I hope I am not as prophetic as last time. Then I was sure I didn’t deserve happiness – and look what happened.

I went for my first beta today and start prometrium tonight. I am expecting many things – no heartbeat, an ectopic, or a long drawn-out shop of horrors like last time. I can’t wrap my mind around the possibility it might actually work. At the same time I can’t seem to stop trying to MAKE it work.

Unfortunately I am still having the near continuous spotting I’ve been dealing with for almost 4 years. I hope the prometrium works as well as it did last time, as long as I’m not continuing a pregnancy that never should have made it past fertilization.

This is going to be a really long damn 9 months. I reserve the right to smack my mother in law if she says I told you so.

Adoption day is here!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought that deserved an overuse of exclamation marks.

I'm sorry I didn't post ahead of time. We only found out the date this past Wednesday (my god, that really was fast for a change) and have been crazy busy since then. Things are not going to let up next week either. Our appointment is with the Judge in his chambers at 4pm Central time. Hopefully he will be on time because we are then rushing to a celebratory dinner and getting M to her school by 6 for the dinner theater she is performing in. Tuesday is also dinner theater, the one we are all going to. Wednesday M requested that we go to her old church for teen worship, and Thursday M is leaving on a school trip 2 states away (man am I jealous - I LOVE the area she is going to) and not returning until after midnight on Saturday. Sunday is her 15th birthday party, which is why the court date came up so fast. Everyone wanted to get her adopted before her birthday.

YIKES!

I will probably not be posting for at least anther week but if you have to know how things went try emailing me.

We will officially be a family of four! I wish I could go back and tell the me that left the hospital empty handed on New Year's day 2 years ago that this was going to happen. What a difference it makes having another person to take care of and love.

Hello, blog.

It's been making me crazy that I haven't had time to visit here. I can tell by all the support I've gotten lately that I still have readers. Thank you for sticking around.

Things are picking up in intensity pretty much everywhere right now. We signed the papers at the lawyers last Monday and are just waiting for the call that we have a court date. Unbelievable! The same week we finally got placement, only 3 months after the child moved in with us! Placement means that she is officially in our custody and we get the stipend check for her. It is ridiculous that it took so long. Things are getting harder. M is pushing more and more at Dad and he falls into the argument trap nearly every time. It's frustrating and hard to watch. I made a family appointment with the new therapist, which the therapist and I agreed on the last time I saw her, hoping that she could help him learn to communicate. She spent the whole time focusing on what M could do to avoid getting into arguments with Dad. That's great, I suppose, but she's not the whole problem, maybe not even half. I was really hoping the therapist would spend more time on building their relationship, but she didn't even seem to want us there. She specifically asked that we not come to the next session. I know from the research I've done and some of the blogs I've read that this is pretty much the opposite of what you want with attachment issues, but I think I'm okay with it for now. M needs a safe place to tell someone she is mad at us, or her life sucks, or she just wants to go live with her brother. I'm going to watch carefully to see how things are going with this therapist and hopefully be able to make the right decision in the future. Today highlighted a part of older child foster care adoption that you never hear about. An old friend of M's mother found M on her sister's facebook page. She sent a message to M asking her to call. M asked me if she could and told me that the friend was like a grandmother to her when she was little. I said she could call her and ended up talking to her myself. She sounds like a nice enough person on the phone and seemed to genuinely care about M and her siblings, but she is definitely an enabler. She went through almost the whole story of how the kids were living when she knew them and how they got taken away. Everything was the dad's fault. She glossed over the fact that the mom disappeared for almost a year and when she came back immediately gave birth to a baby that was obviously not her husband's. She didn't mention that the Mom was at a shelter and getting services and chose to spend the grocery money on cigarettes and useless crap. She is still friends with M's mom and I'm worried that if they spend time together M will think she can get back together with her mom. Right now she has a lot of resentment towards her and says she doesn't want anything to do with her, but that could very well change. There was a time when I was her age that I was given the chance to leave my family for good. I couldn't do it. Even though I thought I hated them and couldn't stand to live with them, they were my family and I just couldn't leave. I think most kids feel that way. It wouldn't surprise me if M got mad one day and ran away to live with her mother or the family friend. So all that to say that I'm nervous about her spending time with her mom and the family friend, but I won't keep her from seeing them. I do think it should wait until after the adoption is finalized for her to visit them, and M is very upset about that. She cried and said it wasn't fair, and I told her I know. It's not fair. You've had a very unfair life. I'm just trying my best to protect you and I think it would be a bad idea to see this friend before the adoption is final. She doesn't understand and thinks I'm being mean. I just hope I'm making the right decisions. I don't want her to lose those connections from her childhood, but if they are hurting her we may not have the choice. Her social worker told me that one thing not in our favor for placing her with us was that we lived so close to her mom. They were afraid we would run into her in the grocery store or something. There must be a reason that they didn't consider the mom or the family friend when M was sent back here. I wish they could tell me so we would be prepared. No one ever mentioned how you were supposed to handle relationships with birth families after adoption. I guess they assume in most cases there wouldn't be one. This case is more of a gray area because the kids were actually removed from the father. The mom just wasn't around to fight for her kids. The family friend seems to think they were removed unjustly and also said she would have adopted them. That worries me because I don't want her saying that to M before the adoption. It would really confuse and upset her to hear that she could have had a family all this time when I know it probably wasn't possible or the caseworker would have tried it (at least I hope that's the case). Well, this is already really long and rambling. I need to get to bed. Thanks for listening if you made it this far. If anyone has experience with first moms/families, please let me know.

Is the Honeymoon over?

I'm actually not talking about my marriage here, at least not much. I was warned by many, many people that we would have a "honeymoon period" with M. This is a time when things seem to be going well and behaviors are manageable and the adoptive parents are thinking, "well this isn't so hard, what was all the fuss about?". Then the child eventually realizes that you aren't like all the other temporary parents, that you really will be there forever, and they test that. A lot. I was waiting for this to happen. And waiting, and waiting. I knew it could be a year or more before the honeymoon passed, now I'm wondering if we are getting into the testing phase. It's not so bad so far. Just weird, inexplicable emotional meltdowns to really minor and bizarre things. We have an appointment with our lawyer to get a finalization date on Monday. M knows this and I think is getting really wound up about it. She never made this far before. All the families that said they would keep her didn't. I think it's going to take a long time for her to believe us. This is already stressful; add in the tension in our marriage and my husband's inability to see where her behaviors are coming from, and it's been kind of a wild ride the last couple of weeks.

Hopefully more details later. I'm hoping some day I'll have time to write again. I will post her when we get a date. I can't believe we are finally here!