I need to go to bed, I have a long day tomorrow. My progesterone was 18 - according to the nurse definitely post ovulation. FF thinks I'm 8dpo, I think I'm 7. Now it's just more waiting.
And! My home study is finally completed, not yet approved. Yikes!!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
This is what I get for not questioning
I like my RE (so far, I only met him once), I really do. What happened with this cycle is, I think, mainly my fault. When I talked to the RE I emphasized that money was an issue but forgot to emphasize that I really don't know what my body does, because it never does the same thing twice, and I wanted to be monitored. So he decided that I wanted as little intervention as possible and didn't offer aggressive (read, expensive) monitoring. All he wanted was a 7 dpo progesterone check. That would have been fine if I had gotten a normal response after taking the Femara, but of course that didn't happen.
My temps started out normal for me, except a little more stable. Then they dipped really low. So low that I thought my thermometer was broken, or I was dying. I bought a new thermometer to double check and it was reading the same. So after several days of low temps and really so-so fertility signs, my temp starts to rise. It jumped up quite a bit from the low point but was about even with the beginning of the cycle. I thought this meant I hadn't ovulated, especially since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK yet. I did get what I think was a positive OPK the day after my temp rose. The following day the line was definitely darker than the control. The day after that it was still positive. My temp did not go up again so I have no idea if I ovulated or not. It's now been 4 days since the temp rose so I had to hurry up and get the progesterone test set up. That meant scrambling around to find a fax machine and waiting all day to hear back from a nurse.
my chart
When she finally called me, at 6pm, she told me that she thought temp charts were useless, and I quote, "only show how inadequate your body is". She said she wanted to have that put on a t-shirt and was amazed that I had the stamina to chart as long as I have; she only lasted a few months. I agree with her 100%. That's why I quit charting last year. It was just a daily reminder that my body was failing to do what millions of other female bodies seem to have no trouble with. One simple thing and it just couldn't manage it. I didn't know there was another way to track ovulation and she described the protocol she likes to use. Day 3 is an ultrasound to check for cysts and any other problems, and then start fertility meds. Day 12 is a trigger shot to induce ovulation, followed by another ultrasound (I forget which day) to confirm ovulation and a progesterone check on day 21. They tell their patients not to use OPT's and just come in for a beta. So in light of my confusing chart she said to just come in Monday for the day 21 progesterone level. At least I will know if I actually ovulated.
After she said this I told her I was upset that the doctor hadn’t mentioned that protocol because I wasn’t sure I could do another Femara cycle with the migraines it gave me. She said that my RE is very good at reading people and he must have thought the cheaper, less invasive route was preferable to me. I wish he had asked but with the information he had, it was a logical assumption.
So here I am, possibly at 4 dpo, contemplating another cycle of excruciating migraines. I think I can do it if I will get definite answers. Am I ovulating and ovulating well? After that I think we will have to give up or move to injectibles. I seriously doubt the injectibles have fewer side effects, I’m just hoping they have different side effects. Hopefully I will learn this lesson; that I need to speak up for what I want. Hopefully this cycle isn’t wasted.
It has been an especially hard cycle because I possibly ovulated just before Aiden’s due date. Conception could have occurred on his due date. This is messing up my head because it seems like one hell of a coincidence. It is very hard to not attribute divine intervention in those dates (especially considering my period was 3 days late to get this timing). But the problem with suspecting divine intervention is that it gives me too much hope. Surely if God, fate, Aiden, or the universe intervened to cause that timing, they wouldn’t do it for a failed cycle? So I am stuck in this vicious cycle of hope, anxiety, and pessimism.
At least my 2WW was shortened by my not catching my (alleged) ovulation until four days later. More news on Monday when I get my progesterone check.
My temps started out normal for me, except a little more stable. Then they dipped really low. So low that I thought my thermometer was broken, or I was dying. I bought a new thermometer to double check and it was reading the same. So after several days of low temps and really so-so fertility signs, my temp starts to rise. It jumped up quite a bit from the low point but was about even with the beginning of the cycle. I thought this meant I hadn't ovulated, especially since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK yet. I did get what I think was a positive OPK the day after my temp rose. The following day the line was definitely darker than the control. The day after that it was still positive. My temp did not go up again so I have no idea if I ovulated or not. It's now been 4 days since the temp rose so I had to hurry up and get the progesterone test set up. That meant scrambling around to find a fax machine and waiting all day to hear back from a nurse.
my chart
When she finally called me, at 6pm, she told me that she thought temp charts were useless, and I quote, "only show how inadequate your body is". She said she wanted to have that put on a t-shirt and was amazed that I had the stamina to chart as long as I have; she only lasted a few months. I agree with her 100%. That's why I quit charting last year. It was just a daily reminder that my body was failing to do what millions of other female bodies seem to have no trouble with. One simple thing and it just couldn't manage it. I didn't know there was another way to track ovulation and she described the protocol she likes to use. Day 3 is an ultrasound to check for cysts and any other problems, and then start fertility meds. Day 12 is a trigger shot to induce ovulation, followed by another ultrasound (I forget which day) to confirm ovulation and a progesterone check on day 21. They tell their patients not to use OPT's and just come in for a beta. So in light of my confusing chart she said to just come in Monday for the day 21 progesterone level. At least I will know if I actually ovulated.
After she said this I told her I was upset that the doctor hadn’t mentioned that protocol because I wasn’t sure I could do another Femara cycle with the migraines it gave me. She said that my RE is very good at reading people and he must have thought the cheaper, less invasive route was preferable to me. I wish he had asked but with the information he had, it was a logical assumption.
So here I am, possibly at 4 dpo, contemplating another cycle of excruciating migraines. I think I can do it if I will get definite answers. Am I ovulating and ovulating well? After that I think we will have to give up or move to injectibles. I seriously doubt the injectibles have fewer side effects, I’m just hoping they have different side effects. Hopefully I will learn this lesson; that I need to speak up for what I want. Hopefully this cycle isn’t wasted.
It has been an especially hard cycle because I possibly ovulated just before Aiden’s due date. Conception could have occurred on his due date. This is messing up my head because it seems like one hell of a coincidence. It is very hard to not attribute divine intervention in those dates (especially considering my period was 3 days late to get this timing). But the problem with suspecting divine intervention is that it gives me too much hope. Surely if God, fate, Aiden, or the universe intervened to cause that timing, they wouldn’t do it for a failed cycle? So I am stuck in this vicious cycle of hope, anxiety, and pessimism.
At least my 2WW was shortened by my not catching my (alleged) ovulation until four days later. More news on Monday when I get my progesterone check.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Day 6 of Femara migraine
The whole house looks like this (I spared you the kitchen). The five year old is in complete control. The husband is lucky I need his sperm. Thank god it is Friday and this cycle better work!!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Good news and something no one will tell you about bankruptcy
Both tubes are open. That is a shock to me. My lap back in 1998 showed one ovary completely fused to the tube with scar tissue. I was SURE that tube was useless. Apparently there is some other reason it is so hard for me to get pregnant (which is kind of depressing, actually). But at least that is one worry off the table. I no longer have to be concerned which side I'm ovulating from. The procedure was not bad. I was glad for the valium because I had really worked myself up. The lortab was probably overkill but judging by the twinge I did feel, I really would have wanted it if the tube was blocked.
As for the bankruptcy. As many of you know I lost my job in 2008. We lost most of our belongings, including our newish car and our house that we had remodeled all by ourselves. We were just getting back on track when Aiden died. The train promptly left the track and crashed horribly in a field somewhere, never to be recovered. No one would work with us on payments while I was out of work. We filed bankruptcy. I knew that things would not be easy in the credit department after that but I was more concerned with keeping a roof over our heads. What I didn't expect was how horribly everyone would treat us. I did not know that insurance companies use your credit history to determine rates. To get affordable renters insurance I had to go to some no name fly by night company and hope they would still be around if we had a claim. I tried to get cheaper auto insurance and discovered that our rates have DOUBLED. Because my son died. How fucking shitty is that? I cried and cried on the phone with the damn insurance company. If we keep our current insurance we may still have to pay more. The company I talked to today said that if they (our current company) check our credit, which they probably do once a year, they will most likely increase our premiums. BECAUSE OUR SON DIED. I am so unbelievably angry about this. No one cares, or will even listen, about the reason we filed bankruptcy. My credit is actually still good - I have 15 years worth of on time payments and my score is currently 700. So I get screwed because because I had the bad taste to have a horrible loss while carrying credit card balances. So thanks, corporate america, for reinforcing just how shitty it is to lose a child and just how little anyone cares (present company excepted, of course).
As for the bankruptcy. As many of you know I lost my job in 2008. We lost most of our belongings, including our newish car and our house that we had remodeled all by ourselves. We were just getting back on track when Aiden died. The train promptly left the track and crashed horribly in a field somewhere, never to be recovered. No one would work with us on payments while I was out of work. We filed bankruptcy. I knew that things would not be easy in the credit department after that but I was more concerned with keeping a roof over our heads. What I didn't expect was how horribly everyone would treat us. I did not know that insurance companies use your credit history to determine rates. To get affordable renters insurance I had to go to some no name fly by night company and hope they would still be around if we had a claim. I tried to get cheaper auto insurance and discovered that our rates have DOUBLED. Because my son died. How fucking shitty is that? I cried and cried on the phone with the damn insurance company. If we keep our current insurance we may still have to pay more. The company I talked to today said that if they (our current company) check our credit, which they probably do once a year, they will most likely increase our premiums. BECAUSE OUR SON DIED. I am so unbelievably angry about this. No one cares, or will even listen, about the reason we filed bankruptcy. My credit is actually still good - I have 15 years worth of on time payments and my score is currently 700. So I get screwed because because I had the bad taste to have a horrible loss while carrying credit card balances. So thanks, corporate america, for reinforcing just how shitty it is to lose a child and just how little anyone cares (present company excepted, of course).
Monday, May 2, 2011
Google is on to me
My husband hates it when he uses my chrome browser and it automatically fills stuff in. He sees it as "the man" watching and recording everything. I laugh at him and call him paranoid. I like that my web browser knows what I like, and I like that I don't have to type my name and address over and over again. I'm not stupid, I don't save passwords or sensitive information. However, sometimes I get a little weirded out by google. I've noticed in the last few days that all my email adds are for IVF services. I haven't emailed anyone about anything infertility related. It took me a minute to realize that my blog is also run by google.
(Whispers) They know everything . . .
It's creepy. I'm a little bothered. And hey, Google! I am NOT getting IVF! I can't afford it, stop sending me those damn adds. ART is not the same as IVF. You don't automatically get a kid from a petri dish the moment you walk into an RE's office. Enough already.
In other news, and this is sure to bring on the Google adds, my HSG is Wednesday. My RE prescribed valium and lortab for it. This freaks me out a lot. Just how much do they expect this to hurt that they want me to be so stoned?
Yikes.
(Whispers) They know everything . . .
It's creepy. I'm a little bothered. And hey, Google! I am NOT getting IVF! I can't afford it, stop sending me those damn adds. ART is not the same as IVF. You don't automatically get a kid from a petri dish the moment you walk into an RE's office. Enough already.
In other news, and this is sure to bring on the Google adds, my HSG is Wednesday. My RE prescribed valium and lortab for it. This freaks me out a lot. Just how much do they expect this to hurt that they want me to be so stoned?
Yikes.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Unbelievable
I've never been able to find any kind of pattern to my cycles. They are ERRATIC. I always get irritated when the doctors insist on a length between cycles or a length of the period. I tell them 14 to 60 days between and 2 to 14 days long. That usually shuts them up. Keep in mind that it has been this way since my period first showed up 20 years ago. The only time I'm remotely regular is when I'm taking hormones.
Given this, I fail to understand how I could have ovulated on the exact same day two years in a row (the day Aiden was conceived and the anniversary of that day).
I've been bleeding damn near constantly since November. Even high dose birth control didn't completely stop it. When it finally stopped for a few days I missed a pill and it promptly started again. So I expected when I stopped the pills for good in anticipation of starting the Femara, that I would start the next day. This would put my expected ovulation date within days of Aiden's due date. Apparently my ovaries have a sick sense of humor or they are class I assholes. Instead of starting the next day, I started 3 days later. Which, of course, puts my expected ovulation date ON Aiden's due date. What the hell?!
I may be putting too much emphasis on dates, and who the hell knows if I will actually ovulate on day 14, but this seems like a lot more than coincidence. I suppose it could also be divine intervention but I'm not sure this would be a happy coincidence. I don't really know how I feel about it. Other than pissed off that my body is so contrary.
Given this, I fail to understand how I could have ovulated on the exact same day two years in a row (the day Aiden was conceived and the anniversary of that day).
I've been bleeding damn near constantly since November. Even high dose birth control didn't completely stop it. When it finally stopped for a few days I missed a pill and it promptly started again. So I expected when I stopped the pills for good in anticipation of starting the Femara, that I would start the next day. This would put my expected ovulation date within days of Aiden's due date. Apparently my ovaries have a sick sense of humor or they are class I assholes. Instead of starting the next day, I started 3 days later. Which, of course, puts my expected ovulation date ON Aiden's due date. What the hell?!
I may be putting too much emphasis on dates, and who the hell knows if I will actually ovulate on day 14, but this seems like a lot more than coincidence. I suppose it could also be divine intervention but I'm not sure this would be a happy coincidence. I don't really know how I feel about it. Other than pissed off that my body is so contrary.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
easy peasy - and I didn't even take off my pants
I'm in a much better mood but still bouncing back and forth between utter terror and hope.
The RE was awesome. He is a member a nonprofit environmental group; I was impressed! He was a nice guy and seemed to actually care about getting me pregnant and not racking up a large account. He took my concerns about clomid very seriously and is one of the very few doctors that did not talk down to us. He actually seems to understand that as biologists we have a basic understanding of how procreation and hormones work.
He is going to do an HSG, which I was pretty sure would be needed, but doesn't need any further blood work right now. He has me starting a round of Femara with nothing else and will check my progesterone after ovulation. I didn't even need an exam! And best of all - the $350 consultation was actually covered by my insurance and cost me $20. I still can't believe that. He said the HSG would be covered too. If we have to move to injectables they aren't covered but I was planning on spending several hundred so that doesn't stress me out. It's actually sounding like we may be able to afford this after all.
So, this round of bcp ends on Sunday (eep!), which of course puts my likely ovulation date within 3 days of Aiden's due date. Of course. But that's way better than having that day as my LMP.
The adoption home study is also moving along. We still think we are going to adopt even if we get pregnant so we aren't changing anything there.
Yikes! I could have another kid (or 2, or 3) by February! (This is me not getting my hopes up - can you tell?)
Going to find the valium now. Deep breaths.
The RE was awesome. He is a member a nonprofit environmental group; I was impressed! He was a nice guy and seemed to actually care about getting me pregnant and not racking up a large account. He took my concerns about clomid very seriously and is one of the very few doctors that did not talk down to us. He actually seems to understand that as biologists we have a basic understanding of how procreation and hormones work.
He is going to do an HSG, which I was pretty sure would be needed, but doesn't need any further blood work right now. He has me starting a round of Femara with nothing else and will check my progesterone after ovulation. I didn't even need an exam! And best of all - the $350 consultation was actually covered by my insurance and cost me $20. I still can't believe that. He said the HSG would be covered too. If we have to move to injectables they aren't covered but I was planning on spending several hundred so that doesn't stress me out. It's actually sounding like we may be able to afford this after all.
So, this round of bcp ends on Sunday (eep!), which of course puts my likely ovulation date within 3 days of Aiden's due date. Of course. But that's way better than having that day as my LMP.
The adoption home study is also moving along. We still think we are going to adopt even if we get pregnant so we aren't changing anything there.
Yikes! I could have another kid (or 2, or 3) by February! (This is me not getting my hopes up - can you tell?)
Going to find the valium now. Deep breaths.
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