Dreaming With a Broken Heart

Weird and Cool

2012-02-10T20:07:00.000-08:00

That is what M called us yesterday. We were driving somewhere after I had picked her up from a disastrous school dance. She had been in a rotten mood and taking it out on K. I had mostly ignored it and told her I was really sorry she didn't have a good time. She eventually cooled off and then out of the blue she told me she was really glad she got to meet our family. She said we are a really weird, cool family.

That's a title I'm definitely happy to claim. If only I could hold that little moment of happiness for her to see whenever she needed it. The more attached I get the more I want, no need, to fix what has been done to her. But I know I can't. I hope she has more and more of those happy moments. She deserves them so much.

feeling like a worm

2012-02-05T15:51:00.000-08:00

Actually, I like worms. Maybe I'm feeling like a maggot.

I have guilt issues. I always want to fix everything and make everyone happy. Let me tell you, this is not the easiest trait to have when dealing with discipline and children. M was just caught out in a lie she has been sustaining for over 2 weeks now. I pretty much knew she was lying but didn't have proof until Friday. I gave her lots of chances to fess up without outright accusing her of lying. I was afraid if I was wrong that she would never trust me. Well now she has been found out and was grounded for the weekend. It's been pretty hard on her because I went to look at a house for sale with K and not her yesterday, and today some family friends were doing a birthday thing she is missing out on. She just cried herself to sleep on the couch. I feel like I'm kicking puppies. She says she doesn't understand why she is in trouble for longer than K (K is 5), that she feels left out, and goes back and forth about whether she even lied.

She started her new school a little over 2 weeks ago. We asked every day if she had homework. She said no all but 2 times. I was sure she had some so I gave her a chance to admit she wasn't doing it. I told her I would be very surprised if she wasn't getting homework; she said she was doing it in school. I finally got her grade log in to work on Friday and the highest grade she has is a 30%. She hasn't turned in a single assignment since she started the new school. When I confronted her she claimed she didn't know she had to do them, but I found most of the assignments blank in her notebook. I know she has memory problems so it was conceivable she forgot they were there, but then she kept changing her story. I am pretty convinced she knew she had homework and chose to lie, but I think her motives were not laziness (more on that in a minute).

I knew this was a problem she had with her previous school so I did everything I could think of, short of following her to school, to help her get a better start. It wasn't the grades themselves that caused the discipline, it was the lying. I was not completely on board with punishing her but backed up my husband when he said there should be consequences for lying. My gut is telling me that this is the wrong way to handle it but I can't tell if that's because I can't stand to see her hurting, or because this is not the best way to help her.

I personally don't think she understands that staying home and not having fun is a consequence for lying. I think she feels rejected and isolated, and doesn't understand why. I know her previous foster parents were even more punitive, and screamed a lot, but that doesn't make me feel any better. I feel in my heart there is a better way to get through to this kid. I think she lies because she has been trained to. She is used to getting screamed at for bad grades, never mind that she has never been in the same school for an entire school year, her father sometimes "forgot" to even send her to school, and she has had more homes in the last 9 years than many people do in a lifetime. She's expected to get passing grades and no one has even evaluated her for learning problems. So to keep from getting screamed at she lied about getting stuff done. She was going to get in trouble anyway, so why not prolong the inevitable by lying? So how do you work with that? Yes, lying is a serious issue that needs to be addressed, but can we really expect someone that has been lying her whole life just to survive to change the minute she moved in? How can I get that concept across to my husband? What do I even do with that? Should I not punish her but just point out what she could have done instead? Will she really learn anything that way? I'm so lost with this stuff. I thought I'd have a better idea of how to handle this stuff with all my research, but most of the things I read dealt more with violence and out of control behavior. I am out of my depth with these somewhat subtle destructive behaviors.

I tried to make sure she knew she hadn't lost our love. I stayed with her while she cried and told her I loved her and I wasn't trying to make her feel bad. I told her I was sorry she was feeling so bad. I hope that is enough for her to feel less rejected, I'm worried that it's not.

What I DID NOT do, which my stupid co-worker who adopted a baby said, was tell her that "if she wants to be in this family she has to take school seriously and try her best". What an a-hole he can be sometimes. I really hope his daughter doesn't have issues when she's older, and I hope to God that they never let him adopt an older child. That's a great idea - tell a kid that's had 3 failed adoptive placements that she can't be in our family if she isn't getting good grades. Idiot. The sad thing is that his feelings are not unusual. I don't understand why people are so willing to throw kids like M away. I just wish I knew the best way to help her.

Better now

2012-02-01T18:44:00.000-08:00

We haven't really resolved anything but the anger has faded. I can see we have a lot of work ahead of us. It's going to be tough to convince a kid that's been in foster care for 9 years that she can trust us and doesn't have to lie constantly. My husband and I really need to work on us before we will get anywhere with her. I'm hoping her therapy appointment tomorrow will be a good place for her. She says she hates therapy but I think if she found the right match it could help her tremendously.

I had some good news today that I'm excited about. I was offered a promotion at work. It means a pretty good raise but still no benefits. It's not what I want to do but it will give me some regulatory experience, which is the only way to move up in my field. It is the first really good financial news we've had in a really long time.

I'm a little more hopeful today, but cautious. I still expect the universe to kick me in the teeth.

Gloom

2012-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

My husband and I just had a pretty big blow up fight. It's been brewing for awhile and I wish I had said something earlier before it got this bad. I'm angry, and hurt, and really scared. And I have this stupid knee jerk reaction that I hurt him by telling him how I feel and now *I* have to fix it. As you can probably see, that right there is one of the problems in our marriage.

My husband is strict, in my opinion too strict. I am not. I'm the mom that the neighbors hate because I send my daughter out in the rain and let her splash in the muddy puddles, causing all the other kids to beg and whine that they want to have fun too. My husband is the dad that requires shoes AND socks if you set one foot outside the door. This disparity is not going so well with one very stubborn and listening impaired five year old, and one very traumatized and brand new 14 year old. When the kids don't follow the rules it almost always ends in a fight. One of them will do something, or not do something, that annoys the strict one. The strict one will use his angry voice which sounds very condescending and mean, even though he doesn't mean it that way. The said child will continue to ignore the correction. The strict one will turn to the laid back one and demand that I back him up by enforcing whatever he told her to do/not do. I have pointed out to him that he undermines himself when he does this because why should they listen to him when he will just defer enforcement to me? He doesn't get it. He also doesn't get that he can't hold a child that has been in foster care most of her life to the same standard that he would hold a teenager without a traumatic past. I've tried and tried to explain trauma and it's affects and what I have read about reaching children like M. He won't hear me. He's even read some of the blog posts that I've pointed out that mirror our situation very closely. He still doesn't get it.

I tried for awhile to call him on it when I heard him using the "angry voice" with M, but all that did was cause loud and angry fights right in front of the kids. SO NOT HELPFUL. I think you should sometimes argue in front of your kids, if you are arguing in a healthy way. It helps them to see how to resolve conflict. The problem is that we don't argue in a healthy way. He immediately gets defensive and won't hear what I am trying to say. He will verbally attack me instead of discussing something. His immediate reaction is always like a kid getting punished, a knee-jerk "I didn't do it!" I can't ever remember a time he admitted that I was right. He will apologize, but it's a politician's apology. "I'm sorry what I said upset you," or "I didn't mean to snap at you." I get so frustrated with this, and feel so emotionally threatened, that my response is often to walk away. That usually results in him getting really mad and sarcastic. Or I just start cursing because I'm so fuming mad that he is talking to me like I am a misbehaving 3 year old. So we both have issues that contribute to really poor communication. I've tried to get him to see a counselor with me to work on our communication. He insists we don't have a problem. Which leaves me with really dark thoughts that maybe the problem really isn't me.

Bleh - I'm really just venting right now. I'm still pretty pissed, worried about how M is going to deal with this tension, and sad. Some days I feel like everything is a battle I have to fight and I'm doing it completely alone. In addition to an unresolved fight, I logged on to do my taxes but ended up checking my blog reader. A couple of wonderful ladies I follow have had their rainbow babies recently. I feel terrible saying it but no matter how happy I am for them, seeing those pictures hurts like a son of a bitch. Out of all the women I met online when I lost Aiden (over 30), only two have yet to have another baby, and one of them is single. I try to comfort myself with the fact that I now have 2 beautiful children, but I still feel the loss of not being able to get pregnant. It's a really frustrating tangle of guilt, sadness, anger, jealousy, and a whole host of other ugly emotions harder to name. I'm a mess tonight!

I'm never going to get these damn taxes done. How I wish I could just take a damn day off.

I've just re-read this post and I'm cringing about how bitchy and whiny it is. There is a whole lot more I want to say about our fight that is more introspective and less selfish, but I sliced off the tip of my pinky the other day and typing is challenging. I'm tired and depressed so I'll leave the introspection to another day. If you have advice on communicating with a spouse - or how to compromise on the strictness, I'm always willing to listen. If you got through this whole post you must be a saint or really bored!

And the award goes to . . .

2012-01-19T05:41:00.000-08:00

The move in went great. We really had no problems this weekend that I wouldn't expect from any teenager that was grounded and bored. There are things I'd like to write about but I lack the time to work it out in my head and get it down. So today I'll just post the blog awards that I promised.

My reading list is long and full of some amazing women. If you have time please do check out my blog roll. Someday I'll get around to categorizing it but I promise you everyone of them is worth a read. Below are the five that I chose for the versatile blogger award. I wanted to choose people that might not have a large readership and haven't recently gotten this award. It was hard to pick 5 because there are so many bloggers I love. I hope you enjoy your award ladies, you definitely deserve them. It's only to bad I can't include wine and chocolate!

The first four of the five blogs are some of my fellow babyloss moms. They are amazing women who survived the loss of a child and kept on breathing. It was a hard, hard thing they did and the world is richer for them sharing their experiences.

The award goes to:

This blog you must read, even if you have never lost a child. Her writing is so amazing it takes my breath away. I've linked a recent post of hers that has a poem that really affected me. Please pop over and tell her how amazing she is.
After Iris

This is my dear fried B. She lost her little snowflake a little before I lost my Aiden and our due dates were very close. She was always there for me in the horrible weeks that followed and has remembered when most other people forgot. I owe her more than I can say. I am happy to say she has her rainbow baby now and is doing an awesome job with the little guy.
Non Geordie Mum

Next up is another beautiful writer, Vera Kate. This woman has been through more than I can imagine and come out strong. Her love for her babies shines bright in her words. She is also a pretty awesome artist. Check her out.
Fox on the Run

Catherine is another mom that helped me make my way through the loss of my son. She is an amazingly gifted writer. She always manages to find a way to say the things I feel but can't explain. If you have ever lost a loved one her site is well worth the read.
Between the Snow and the Huge Roses

Last but not least is a writer I found when I started adding adoption blogs to my reader list. She is a passionate feminist and gay rights advocate. I always admire her take on things and the post I'm linking to is a very good read about assigning gender roles to children. It is a topic I think about frequently and she has some very thoughtful points to make.
a queer family grows in redneckville

That's it. Enjoy your award ladies. If you want to, the award asks that you list 7 things about yourself your readers don't know and pass this award on to five other bloggers. Have fun!

MOVE IN DAY IS HERE!

2012-01-13T06:11:00.000-08:00

I'm tied up in knots. I was okay until I got up this morning. I think I've just been in denial about how much this is going to change everything. I spent yesterday frantically trying to tie up all the loose ends so I was busy calling doctors and clinics and medicaid. I came to realize I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to parent a teenager - especially a traumatized teenager. WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING!!

Deep breaths.

I can do this. I didn't know how to parent a baby either and K is still alive and not killing puppies. Surely I can figure this out?

I'm excited too, it's just the old, insecure me popping up to inject a little axiety to make things interesting. We also have a slight complication that was not unexpected. M was a little off last weekend. She kept complaining of a stomach ache and was very withdrawn. On Wednesday she got into a dispute with someone at school and hid the girl's phone. She denied it so when she got caught she was suspended. Now instead of a fresh start at a new school she has to go back to her old school on a teacher work day and make up her finals. I had to convince my husband not to be too punitive with her. She created plenty of consequences all by herself. She missed her chance to say goodbye to all of her friends, the bus driver she really likes, and her church youth group. I'm planning on taking her back in a couple of weeks so she can visit those people but it won't be the same. Unfortunately we can't completely ignore the behavior and she missed the reviews for her finals so she'll spend the whole weekend studying instead of playing with her new family. It's not the best start but we knew to expect difficult times until she realizes she can trust us. I think the biggest hurdle is actually going to be my husband. He had not done any research like I have and doesn't know what therapeutic/positive parenting is. I've tried to tell him but I think he needs to see it in practice. I foresee a lot of after-the-kids-are-in-bed arguing. Ugh.

So - update to follow this weekend if I get the time. Wish us a smooth transition!

Monday night I don't give a damn dinner

2012-01-09T18:21:00.000-08:00

This is what we had for dinner: one box Uncle Ben's wild rice 5 minute recipe, turkey sausage, and broccoli. It takes 10 minutes start to finish and is actually decently healthy for processed food. The turkey sausage is sold with the hot dogs and is precooked. All I do is heat it up, cook the rice, and throw the frozen broccoli into the rice pot for the last couple of minutes. Voila - dinner is served and I can sit down with my friend the heating pad. I thought I would share since I'm always looking for ways to cheat on dinner.

I'm working on the blogger awards, I swear I am. I just have a ton of things to do for M's move in so it will probably be a few days. Check back this weekend, I'll try to update how the move went.

Last return

2012-01-08T18:40:00.001-08:00

If all goes as planned tonight will be the last time I have to hug my daughter and send her to another Mom's house. Move in date is this Friday!!!!

I'm nervous, not really for myself, but for M. I was so annoyed that we couldn't move her in earlier because they wanted her to finish the semester, and now I am doubly sure this was a bad idea. I could tell tonight that her anxiety is climbing. Her stomach has been hurting all weekend and seemed to get worse the closer it got to the time to go back to the foster home. I don't think she is going to be able to focus much on her finals with all the worry about this move she has on her shoulders. I did find out that she can fail one semester and still get passed on to high school. Normally I would say this was idiotic, but in her case I think it would be way too damaging to keep her back. She is already a year behind, only because she was never in school in Kindergarten. She was too busy getting shuffled back and forth from home to home.

Watching her unpack was heartbreaking. She had a scrapbook from her previous failed adoptive family. The mother used to send her cards telling her to be good and good things would come to her, and saying she should follow God's plan, as if all the crap she has been through could have been prevented if only she was good enough and Christian enough. It made me so sad for M and so angry toward that family. Before I could stop the conversation K asked M why she wasn't adopted by that family. M said she didn't really know. I wish I did. I wish I had something to tell her so she would know it wasn't her fault. The other thing that made me sad, angry, and helpless was how little she had to unpack. No beloved childhood toy, no blankie full of holes, no dolls or stuffed animals she wasn't quite old enough to let go of yet. She left her last adoptive placement with 2 small duffel bags. Her current foster parents have bought her a lot of stuff but I couldn't believe the woman who wrote cards about "God's plan" didn't send M the rest of her things after she was moved back here. I find it hard to believe they never bought her anything while she was with them. If they didn't buy/give her things, that is really just as bad. I am not by any means materialistic and no longer get attached to stuff, but I know foster kids are very deprived in material possessions and it seems pretty shitty to hang on to their stuff after kicking the kid out.

One of the things she did have was a school picture she never sent to her birth mom. When I first saw it and asked if I could hang it up I was just happy we would have photos of when she was younger. It wasn't until later that I noticed the note she wrote to her mom on the back. Poor kid. Even if it meant we couldn't keep her, I would fix her past for her if I could. I hope her future will be easier and I hope she will be okay so far from all the people she should have been with.

Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

2012-01-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

My first blog award!! I'm very thrilled to get this from someone I really admire. Last Mom is someone you should be reading. She adopted an older child from foster care. Her blog is great for anyone who has adopted, or is considering adopting a child with a history of trauma. Her advice and techniques have already proved invaluable, even with my biological daughter who didn't have a history of trauma before her little brother died. I am so grateful there is someone like her out there to lead the way. I'd be much more nervous about our adoption if it weren't for her.

With this award I'm supposed to tell 7 things about myself that you (my readers) probably don't know. I'm also supposed to tag 5 other blogs. I have a long reader list filled with many wonderful women so that part will take me some time and thinking. I'll start on the seven things and then talk about all the silly things I'm worried about with the big move coming up.

1. I hate roller coasters. HATE THEM. I took my 5 year old on the flying hippogriffs at the Harry Potter park. I almost bit a hole in my lip. If they don't give me a raging headache from the jerking around, they scare the pee out of me. I can brave angry venomous snakes but can't handle a kid's ride.

2. I love to sing. I sing all the time. I often start singing and don't even realize I'm doing it. I think I have a decent voice but I'm too shy to sing in front of people unless I know them really well. I like to sing at karaoke bars but only after several drinks. My tastes in music are very diverse, there isn't much I don't like. This is serving me well with adding a teenager to the family. She really likes the pop station, which I'm not crazy about, but we enjoy enough of the same songs that we enjoy singing together.

3. When I was 4 I cut off the tip of my ear when I fell while jumping on the bed. Let that be a lesson to your children - you really will break your head. My dad worked in the hospital then and that's one of the few nice memories I have of him. They were worried that I had a concussion so while the plastic surgeon sewed my ear back together he kept lifting the drape and asking if I was awake. I remember giggling, thinking he was playing peek-a-boo.

4. I've moved so many times I can't keep track anymore. I stopped counting around 24 moves after I moved out of my parents house. That's an average of more than 1 a year. I like to see new places and I'm quick to move on when things aren't going well, but I am ready to settle down. The problem is I don't want to do it here. I'm going to have to accept that there will be more moves in my future.

5. I'm a biologist that hates to kill things. I worked on an endangered species during grad school so I didn't have to kill anything. When I collect aquatic invertebrates for my job I always get the fish and salamanders out of the sample before I add the preservative, but I feel really guilty about the bugs that get pickled. I never understood when I was young how much killing there is in science. Sometimes I think I'd be better off as a writer, but I lack the self discipline to make a living from it.

6. I love me a man in a poet shirt. Those long, billowing sleeves and ruffles at the cuff. Mmm mmm. Especially if he forgets the pants.

7. I bite the inside of my lip all the time. I guess it's a nervous habit. I don't remember when I started doing it but I never seem to notice until I have a big sore. I'm sure it's disgusting to watch and I worry that it will cause mouth cancer, but I can't seem to stop doing it.

That's my seven things! I'm weird, I know. Now on to the adoption thingie.

M is moving in next Friday. A week from today!! I'm excited, and nervous. I know she will be very scared and I'm worried I won't react the way she will need me to when that fear manifests as anger or "bad" behavior. I worry that I haven't treated her enough like a daughter to make her feel wanted. I kiss and cuddle my five year old all the time, but I've never kissed M. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just unsure if she would be okay with it. It's weird going from 5 to 14, especially when the 14 year old is bigger than me and looks 18 or 20. I can't exactly pull her into my lap and rock. We do horse around a lot, tickling and wrestling and having pillow fights. Is that enough? Should I ask her if she wants me to kiss her (maybe on the cheek)? Should I offer to let her lay her head in my lap when she is falling asleep on the couch? Her history is so vague that I just have no idea how she will react to things like that. I worry she won't want to be adopted and our little one will be devastated. I even worry I'll accidentally get pregnant (ha ha ha) and M will see that as a betrayal or think we won't want her anymore because we got what we really wanted (that's not true but I think she might see it that way). I'm not on the pill right now because it was doing crazy things. Other methods are not fool proof. I don't want to get something more long term but I really don't want to hurt the child we are promising to protect who has already been hurt so much. I'm very torn. We do still want another child and I was thinking maybe a year from now, but I do want to ask M how she feels about it first. Is that a good idea? I just don't know.

I suppose I'll do what I've always done and muddle along and see what happens. In the meantime, thanks for listening.

two years

2011-12-31T19:45:00.000-08:00

I've struggled with what to write. I've struggled with whether I should write anything at all. I'm not really that sad but will break into hard sobs at random moments. I'm glad I never celebrated New Year's before, it would have been ruined for me now. I just can't see celebrating the night I spent in the hospital giving birth to a dead baby. I'm thinking of all those moms out there tonight that still don't have a little one to tuck in; I hope this year brings you joy. I'm happy our new daughter is here with us and will be moving in forever in 2 weeks. I'm sad I don't have my little wren. I'm angry that I can't just get pregnant. Tonight, I just am.

Here's hoping 2012 brings something better.

I love you, little Wren. Sweet Dreams.

progress report and adoption news

2011-12-23T19:15:00.001-08:00

So I didn't make any of my goals. I should have known to start smaller but I frequently bite off more than I can chew. At least I have finally learned not to beat myself up about it. Somehow the hell I went through 2 years ago gave me the ability to brush myself off and keep trying without all the guilt and shame.

I ate so much at the holiday party at work that I was almost sick. I tried to only take one bite of the things I really wanted to try but there was SO MUCH FOOD. I can never see a spread like that without thinking of all the homeless people only a block away. I wish we could do something a little different in that respect. Anyway - I haven't met the goal of no junk food for a full day but I have managed to keep it to reasonable servings, so yea me! I did no yoga but did go on one really long walk/run. I nearly died from running a single block but at least I did something this week. I still haven't gotten a scale although I really don't feel bad about that with all the running around I've been doing for Christmas shopping. Ye Gads! For someone that doesn't have much money I sure went to a lot of stores.

So - goal for next week. One session of yoga and a further reduction of junk food. I'll wait until the holiday madness is over and my checkbook recovers to worry about a scale.

On the adoption front, for those of you who don't want to listen to me whining about exercise, M is staying with us for the school holiday. It's been pretty fun so far although I do find myself getting frustrated a little with the whining. Our 5 year old is a champion whiner so I'm pretty used to it, but I wasn't really prepared to see the same level in a 14 year old. I really shouldn't be surprised. Her life has not prepared her for early maturity and she is really doing so amazingly well for what she has had to deal with. I just found out today that after two families rejected her (one of them kept all her siblings) she was sent across the country ALONE on a plane at 12 years old. I had a hard time taking that statement calmly. I'm sure I'll hear many more worse things, but I don't think I'll ever get used to it. How the world can be so awful to some people is really just beyond me.

We are discovering that her nutrition is extremely poor and the constant begging for junk food is getting old fast. We are trying to be patient and not turn her whole diet upside down overnight. She is very good about eating the whole wheat pasta that we use so that is more than I expected. If anyone has experience with changing a foster kid's diet to something healthier, I'm open to advice.

I'm amazed by the bravery of this girl. After the terrible rejections she has had and the terrible way she has been treated by almost everyone in her life, she is still willing to try with a new family. She is even able to show us (very rarely) how scared she is that we will let her down too. I may be overly optimistic but I think this is a good sign that she will be able to attach and trust us eventually. I'm constantly reminding myself that she has not yet had a chance to test us and it won't always be this easy. At the same time I am really enjoying having someone I can shop with and do girly things like nails and hair. It will be many more years before K is capable of listening well enough to do any of that so it is super exciting to be able to do it now.

Three more weeks until we are officially M's only parents (foster for now, adoptive after finalization)! We can't wait, the co-parenting with the current foster parents is hard! We disagree with nearly all of their parenting decisions so trying to fit our parenting with theirs has been nearly impossible. Three more weeks is not long at all. I can put on my big girl pants and get through it.

I've been sad with all the anniversaries coming up, hubby and I were both in tears on the 18th, but it is somewhat distant this year. Part of it is the busyness of the season and the rest is how vastly different our lives are this year. I miss my precious boy and I wish he was here, but I can't say I'm sad to not be so sad.

I hope everyone out there is at least surviving the holidays, preferably enjoying them. I hope the new year brings new joy and new healing to all my baby loss friends and anyone struggling with life right now. Peace and Love!!

bitter irony

2011-12-15T06:31:00.000-08:00

I don't like my body. I'm sure you've noticed, I whine about it on here frequently. I haven't liked it for some time. I think I first started being unhappy with it in mid-2001. I was gaining weight and noticed that things I enjoyed were getting harder to do. I had also started to get some back pain. That's when I decided to do something about my dissatisfaction and hired a personal trainer. I was young, living with my parents, and had a good paying job, so it wasn't the outrageous expense it would be today. I was doing pretty well with it and getting into shape when I was rear-ended by a car going 40 mph on my way home from work. The impact was so hard that it shoved my truck across the entire road (I was stopped at a yield sign) and I distinctly remember my head bouncing off the headrest at least three times. One impact was hard enough to break the cartilage in my ear. I had severe whiplash along my entire neck and back and have never really recovered. I haven't had a pain free day since that accident and the days that aren't too bad are becoming fewer and farther between. I've become less and less active because it just hurts so much to do anything. One part of the irony is that if I can push through the pain I start to feel better. Working out actually causes the stiffness and inflammation to go down. I know this, but it is still extremely hard to make myself work towards a fitness goal. I've tried running a few times but keep getting injured doing other things and then giving up for months at a time.

I am getting to the point where I can no longer deny that I am overweight. I have read research that shows losing weight improves fertility and the kind of problems I have with my cycles. Just 20 pounds could make the difference in getting pregnant, or at least having a normal period. So knowing all this, why can't I get with the program? When I look at myself in the mirror I am disgusted. I don't like to see myself naked anymore and this has a significant impact on my relationship with my husband. I look like one of those fertility goddess figures with the giant sagging breasts and protruding tummy. The irony of THAT is not lost on me.

One of my fellow bloggers is trying to hold herself accountable to her fitness goals by publishing her weight every week. I think I may join her. I might not be able to post every week but I am going to buy a scale and start tracking. I am also going to take a picture of myself and tape it to my mirror, possibly along with one from high school when I was fit.

I don't always feel like I'm grossly fat. I know my weight is not really all that horrible, but I feel 30 years older than I am. I know being in shape will make many of my problems better, and maybe I could keep up with my five year old. If nothing else, maybe tracking will help me to resist the junk food when I am craving something sweet. My most recent cholesterol and blood pressure numbers were high. That is kind of a wake up call. My mother now has diabetes and high blood pressure. She is on so many medications I can't believe she has room for food. I don't want to live like that, so I am going to do something about it.

This time of year is hard. There is so much food everywhere and most of it is junk. On top of that I am depressed and looking for comfort. I have a pretty bad sweet tooth and little self control. I have never been able to eat just one snack size candy bar. If I have a bag of something I will eat all of it, no matter how many servings it contains. My first goal is going to be cutting way back on the junk. I don't really buy junk foods because I know I can't practice portion control, but it is all around me anyway. I need to teach myself how to avoid those traps. My first real test will be the Christmas party at work today. Four floors of nothing but junk food. EEK!

So anyway - Today I weigh approximately 183 pounds. I am tired all the time and my neck hurts so much I can't turn my head. I've done 30 minutes of yoga once this week and eaten a lot of candy. My goal for next week is 1.5 hours of yoga, two long walks, and at least one day without any junk food.

What I wish I could say

2011-12-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

Please don't say Merry Christmas. I can see you don't remember that this time of year is very hard on me. I know I look happy. I know I look fine to you, but I'm not. People that are fine don't break into hysterical sobs for no good reason in the middle of singing a Christmas song. People that are fine don't spend a significant portion of every day remembering in vivid detail watching a very tiny child die. So don't pass on your cheer and ignore the gaping hole I will always have in my life. It doesn't matter how many children I add to my family, there will always be one missing. If you can't understand that, or can't take the time to remember, then I don't want your well wishes. And yes, I have made a new year's resolution - it's to not kill any more children. I hope to God I can fulfill it.

Not doing well with the grateful part today

2011-12-04T17:52:00.000-08:00

I've tried hard not to complain about this because it feels like fate might decide I don't deserve/want/appreciate the incredible gifts I have, but some days it is so very hard to be grateful. I know most of my readers still have infants if they've been lucky enough to have a rainbow baby so if complaining about children makes you mad, please feel free to skip this one!

I love my little girl. She's my miracle and so smart, funny, engaging, and cute, but she is so, so challenging. That's a polite way of saying she is a little hellion. She does not ever listen. She will run full tilt towards a speeding car with adults shrieking in terror and not even notice a problem until she gets tackled. Then she will cry that you "scared" her by freaking out and preventing imminent and messy death. I stupidly decided today to take her shopping with her new big sister for Christmas presents. We brought along my best friend, Aunt A, and my sister and her daughter. I guess the combination of seeing Aunt A, Aunt L, and Cousin A was a little too exciting for her little brain. She just would. not. stop.

I am frustrated, tired, hurting and just plain pissed off. I hurt her twice by grabbing too hard or yanking too hard (both times when she was running away from me towards busy roads) because I was using all my self restraint to keep from giving her a good hard whack on the butt. It was enough that she noticed and whined but not enough that she was actually hurt. I'm still ashamed I lost my cool that badly, though. I absolutely do not believe in corporal punishment, and I'm not allowed to use it with foster children such as M, but I'm telling you, some days it's hard to remember to be kind.

I hurt my back because I ended up having to carry her through the busy parking lots because she wouldn't hold my hand. I'm really hoping it didn't upset M seeing me so mad. I feel guilty for losing it but at the same time just plain mad that K will never listen. I don't understand what goes on in her mind that she doesn't use any common sense whatsoever. I'm tired of the looks and comments that people make because they assume I don't discipline her and that's why she's so wild. I'm tired of people suggesting I should medicate her. I just want someone to explain to me how to reach her, or at least understand where she's coming from.

I am grateful, but I'm one tired and frustrated momma tonight. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm off to find my motrin now that she's finally asleep (in my room!) and try to relax some more.

I hope everyone else that is shopping is having a less stressful time of it. I am sticking with cyber shopping from now on!

financial peace

2011-11-20T18:35:00.000-08:00

The fish is still alive - he/she is in the hospital tank and improving. I'm hopeful.

I don't feel like a long post because I am tired and sick but I wanted to share something that has been life altering for my husband and I. Look up the Da.ve Ram.sey website to see what I'm talking about.

We started his program (without any cost to us, the important info is free) about a year and a half ago, just after we filed bankruptcy. We did not want to end up in the spot we were just getting out of and knew we had to do something different. Before we had always relied on credit cards in emergencies. If the furnace broke down, the car needed tires, I needed new school books, or we had a trip to the ER - we broke out the plastic. That led us to hanging on by our fingernails after I was laid off, paying the minimum payments that equaled $900 a month. Missing one month of work when Aiden died was absolutely disastrous. We had no hope of ever catching up and the banks wouldn't work with us so we were forced to file bankruptcy. We didn't ever want to be in such a desperate situation again, so we started following the guidelines from Dave's site. We concentrated on saving an emergency fund - that was truly for emergencies - and then paying down our remaining debt.

18 months later and my 14 year old car has broken down twice to the tune of $1500. Without the credit cards, two years ago that would have meant only having one car, which would have been insane since we work in different towns. Now after working this program we were able to pay cash with half our emergency fund remaining. We will be able to pay off my husband's car by January and after June the only debt left will be our student loans.

It's such an amazing change. I went from panicking about a $50 medical bill to just shrugging when the mechanic said I owed him $650 on Friday. I highly recommend looking into this if you're like me and were never taught how to manage money by your parents. And let me tell you - we don't make much. This program is designed for people like us. We're above the poverty line but don't make enough to afford new cars or to be able to easily save up for a down payment, but with this program we may even be able to buy a house in another 5 years.

Murdering fish

2011-11-18T08:35:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a 4 day conference for work. I've been fighting off a cold since last Sunday and just finally succumbed to complete misery today. I stayed home with my throbbing head and overstuffed sinuses but there is very little chance I will get much rest today. I'm trying desperately to get enough function back to save what's left of my poor fish.

I've been very neglectful lately. I knew my tank was getting dirty and really needed some fresh water, but it wasn't until I had a casualty last week that I tested the water. The nitrate and nitrite readings are high; I am poisoning my poor fish with their own wastes. I tried to clean the tank last weekend but was so busy that I didn't get to it. Then I left early Monday and got back late last night. Since Monday I have lost 3 more fish. I wish my husband was a little less useless in these matters and had done something when the first fish died, but I am on my own. This is causing some distress this morning because I am so miserable with this stupid cold that I REALLY don't want to clean the damn tank, but one of the remaining fish is closely linked in my mind to the short little life and tragic death of my son. You see, when I was pregnant with Aiden I bought a bunch of dalmatian molly fish. I did not know that they breed like guppies. Just after we got our horrible news about Aiden just about all the the fish had babies. Suddenly we went from 6 fish to dozens of fish. I was very resentful. I was mad that those fish were having babies while mine was dying inside me. K was thrilled so I kept up a good front for her but I hated those stupid fertile fish.

Enter two weeks later, approximately. I can't remember if this started before or after Aiden actually died, but a weird disease hit all of my fish. They started losing the ability to move their back fins. After a while most of the fish were swimming around in circles with their bodies bent in a C shape. I was horrified. Apparently I can't keep anything healthy and alive. I lost almost all of the fish pretty quickly. Only one little baby Molly survived and a couple of wild ones. I have added wild fish accidentally caught at work since this happened but I've been reluctant to buy more fish because I don't think the disease, whatever the heck it it, is gone. The molly is still alive and it seemed important to keep it that way. I'm not particularly attached to it, but it's survival was a sort of sign to me that maybe I don't kill everything I touch. So now my neglect has caused the deaths of most of the wild fish and that Molly is still hanging on. She doesn't look too great but she is still alive. I'm really hoping I can get off this couch long enough to keep it that way. I know I will be sad when she is finally gone.

I guess if I can't find the energy to clean the 40 gallon tank I can put the survivors in a bowl for now. I just wish this once I could wallow in my misery and be sick without any damn obligations. Stupid fish.

There - whining is out of my system, time to go save some fish.

Not what I was hoping for

2011-11-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

The permanency meeting was frustrating. When I mentioned that the idiotic school system here had their finals one week AFTER the winter break, they all decided to postpone the transition instead of speeding it up. So now we are looking at another 2 months of only getting her on weekends. We were all disappointed but I do have to defer to the opinions of the people that have been doing this for a long time, although I question their evidence.

The good news is that we have a move in date - January 13th. At that point she will be officially placed with us as an adoptive placement. After 90 days we can petition to adopt and she will be ours for good as soon as we get a court date. Two months seems like a long time but I'm sure it will go by pretty fast considering the holidays will be all intertwined with the time we have left. It will be really nice to have something positive to think about this year instead of remembering how horrible this time of year was 2 years ago.

But that leaves me with a problem. I love this blog and all the connections I've made through it. It was easy and healing to talk about the loss of our son and the impact it had on my life and hear from so many that have walked in my shoes. Now I don't think I will be able to talk as freely. I'd love to keep writing here about how our new family is doing but I don't want M to ever find something written about her and lose her trust in me because of it. I know someone else in blog land that is struggling with this worry right now. It is the dark side of mommy blogging. How much is too much? When is it not about you, but about the information you are sharing about your children? I'm pretty much okay with mommy bloggers that talk about their kids, as long as they are respectful, but if those kids come from a history of trauma? Maybe not such a good idea. These kids have been given many, many reasons to never trust anyone. It would be kind of hard to explain why it's okay for their new mommy to discuss their mental health and behavior on a public forum. So - I don't know where I'll go from here. I may keep the blog and just make sure there is never anything identifiable on it (which might make it pretty boring). Maybe I'll go password protected. Maybe I'll give up on it altogether.

I started a new, anonymous email that I linked to my profile on this blog - but I really wanted to change this blog over to the new account so it doesn't show up if I am logged into my main email. That way I can stay logged on with my laptop and everyone can still use the computer without being able to see this blog. Does anybody know if/how I can do that?

If anybody has a magic solution to privacy, I'm all ears. I'll give everyone plenty of warning if I am going to shut down. I hope it won't come to that. I consider my readers to be friends, even if I don't know what most of you look like. I don't want to lose that.

Maybe I can write more about cooking and my volunteer activities. Anybody interested in community gardening?

Permanency meeting today!!

2011-11-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

This is unofficial, but today we are meeting with M's social worker, guardian ad litem, therapist, and foster mom to decide when she will be moving in with us!

It's the first step in the adoption process here. After she moves in we have a minimum 90 day "trial" period before we can petition to adopt. After that we petition the court and wait for a court date.

I'm so excited! We are hoping M can move in the weekend before Thanksgiving. I would have been happy with next week but I will be out of town for 4 days the week of the 14th. We're worried she won't settle in well without all of us here. M sounded happy with that plan but we have to clear it with all the official people first.

I can't wait for her to be here. She is really struggling in school and I think that has no hope of changing until she is somewhere stable. If how I feel is any indication the poor kid probably feels like she is in the middle of a tornado right now. I don't think I'd be able to concentrated on school either. I just wish her foster mom thought the same way. I have a feeling M will be grounded again by the end of the week.

I also really wanted a quiet weekend at home with our new family. That is very hard to do when we are transporting between houses and try to keep up our normal obligations.

Anyway - wish us luck! Hopefully in a couple of hours we will have a date for when we will officially be a pre-adoptive family!

Oh for pete's sake!

2011-10-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

My ovaries got wind of my happiness and decided to remind me that they suck. Last month I missed the first 3 days of my continuous birth control because I didn't bring a refill on my trip. I decided to just skip the whole month instead of starting them late because the period I had was extremely mild for me and I didn't want to change it by screwing around with the timing. Fast forward 4 weeks and I FINALLY ovulated. A few days later I was sure I had a giant cyst on my left ovary. No big deal - I've had dozens. It was painful but not too bad and easy to ignore. That was until my 7 pound "kitten" jumped RIGHT ON IT this morning.

The cat is lucky to be alive. I spent several hours contemplating some nice warm tabby slippers. The pain was pretty excruciating. I still had to get my daughter to daycare because my husband didn't seem to think a burst cyst was worth him going to work late. After hobbling around doing that I came home and took a narcotic pain reliever I had from my last major back problem. The relief was almost immediate and I decided to let the cat live. I sat down with the heating pad and called my mom. By the time I got done telling her about my crappy morning my right shoulder was in agony and it was radiating down my arm. I started to feel like I couldn't take a deep breath. I consulted doctor google since I was too buzzed on pain killers to drive myself to the hospital and didn't really want to spend $100 because my stupid cat jumped on the wrong spot. At this point my husband was out of cell phone range so he couldn't come take me. All the kids were out of school so the only friends I could have called wouldn't have been able to help. I was seriously considering calling an ambulance. According to doctor google the arm pain can be directly caused by a cyst rupturing, although it appears to be rare. It can also be caused (I think) by blood leaking into the abdominal cavity. So I was thinking that a) no big deal, ruptured cyst and I would feel better soon, b) bleeding ruptured cyst requiring at least a hospital stay - possibly surgery, or c)ectopic pregnancy.

I nearly laughed at how unlikely scenario c was, but I was pretty worried about b. I called my OB/GYN, who I love, and got her wonderful nurse, who I also love. She said to come by when the doc was out of surgery and they would work me in. She seemed concerned but not alarmed so I talked myself out of the ambulance. I'm glad now because by the time I got there I was feeling 90% better. Most of the pain and pressure was gone and my arm didn't hurt anymore. The doc saw a little fluid around my ovary and agreed with my assessment of what happened. She wants to recheck in 2 weeks to make sure I'm not still leaking anything but I'm sure it will be fine now. If I had a little advanced warning I'd actually prefer a rupture to the long drawn out weeks of slow torture I usually get with these damn things.

So - my lesson for today is to not skip the birth control unless I magically gain 10K for fertility treatments. I am so freaking glad M wasn't here this morning. I bet the drama would have freaked her out very badly. I'm sure she is thinking that something will go wrong and she won't get to be adopted; this would have given her something to worry about, which she really doesn't need right now.

whirlwind

2011-10-23T18:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the long hiatus. We have been visiting with our new daughter (insert girly squeal) for the last 3 weekends, with this past one being our first overnight. I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. My husband was being a complete goofball and it's been a while since he's let go like that. K was surprisingly well behaved even with all the extra excitement. M is fun to hang out with and fits with our family surprisingly well so far.

Last weekend we went for a hike and then had a quiet day at home. This weekend we went shopping ALL DAY on Saturday and then spent Sunday with some friends at our house. I normally really hate shopping but with a teenager in tow it was actually kind of fun. I was exhausted at the end of the day but very, very happy.

I was worried when we started with this match that my grief over not being able to have a baby would prevent me from being completely happy with this situation but that couldn't be further from the truth. I know things could change but meeting this girl has been so healing for me. I have so many plans for things I want to do with her, show her, learn from her. I think our lives are changing for the better. I can't wait to see what else it brings.

Timely poem

2011-10-13T18:35:00.000-07:00

I can't remember where I ran across this today but it is so appropriate to my life and my future daughter's. We are moving along with visits. M is a beautiful, sweet, funny girl and Sean and I already see her as ours. We have two more weekends of visits and then an overnight. We are super busy so I'll update when I can. I'll have to be vague to protect M but I'll let you ladies know how we are doing. In the meantime enjoy this powerful poem.

Learn With Every Goodbye
– Veronica A Shoffstall

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning
And company doesn’t mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
And learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn
and learn…
With every goodbye, you learn.

From 5 to 14 almost overnight

2011-09-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

We are officially matched. We had our disclosure meeting where we went over the child's records with her therapist and case worker. We didn't see anything we didn't think we could handle so we are moving forward with visits. Our first visit will be in a park with her foster family and our family on Wednesday. I have no idea what to do or say. I'm absolutely frantic to get a room ready for her, even though we have no idea if we will really be bringing her home in another month or two. My head is spinning so much it's hard to concentrate on anything else. I have gotten zero work done all week. I go from giddy to nervous wreck in .005 seconds. If I'm not careful my fingers will look I put them in a blender by Wednesday.

I was so concerned with behaviors and past history that I didn't really get much info on what she likes. I know she likes to sing (yea!) and go fishing (double yea!), but that's about it. We are going to bring a card game to play at the park in case the conversation lags and maybe a ball to kick around. We haven't told Kira yet, which is killing me, but I don't want her to have time to worry about the future before she meets the child. I have to come up with a code word for her. I'll work on it.

I can't believe we might be taking on a 14 year old! I was just getting used to the idea of 5!

emotional whiplash

2011-09-23T20:36:00.000-07:00

So. I feel a bit sheepish. I am tempted to erase that last post, but what I was feeling this morning is still valid so I think I will leave it up.

Big News:

We were matched with the 13 year old I have been told about.

Right after I posted the last rant, cried a whole lot, wrote a bitter and negative email to my husband and cried some more, I finally checked my private email (a no-no at my job) and realized a message had come in from her social worker at 9:30am, right around when I was working myself up into a good cry.

I'm a little embarrassed, a little giddy, a lot terrified and a whole other stew of emotions I can't yet identify.

This is only the start of a very long road. When I got some more information today there are a couple of things that are pretty concerning in her medical records. We will have a meeting sometime next week to go over all of our questions and meet the parties (except the child) involved.

I'm terrified we will meet her only to break her heart all over again. At the same time I'm so looking forward to taking her shopping, brushing her hair, and asking her to teach me how to catch a damn fish. I'm so excited about the prospect of an older child. And nervous!

If any of my readers have had foster children or adopted older children - PLEASE give me some advice on what to do when we meet her. I want her to feel safe and wanted.

There is a lot more to this story but I am exhausted from the extreme lows and highs today. I won't be able to share specific details about what we find out but I will update what I can in general terms. Wish us all luck and pray if that's your thing.

obviously not done with the pity party yet

2011-09-23T09:41:00.001-07:00

Everyone I have called lately to vent about how hopeless I feel in this quest for a child has said the same thing - Trust that what happens is supposed to happen. It's a variation on the saying "everything happens for a reason". I've always thought that was bullshit, I still do. The people I'm close to that can understand this situation are all very spiritual. I am not. I believe in a higher power that created the miracle of life but then pretty much left it to do its own thing. I believe that people can have some effect on things by giving positive or negative energy to it, but I don't believe someone can change something just because they wish to and believe in God. That just means that when the baby still dies and the phone still doesn't ring that I didn't pray hard enough, or that I wasn't worthy. Why should I do that to myself? Wishing isn't going to make a child. Relaxing isn't going to make a child. So all those well meaning stuffed shirts can just go stuff themselves.

I have come to a decision today. I am obviously depressed and not handling this well. I need help. I'm going to look into counseling again but more importantly I'm going to give myself permission to stop fighting. It seems like that is all I have done for the last seven years. Fight for my body to work, fight for my babies to survive, fight for my husband to be a partner, fight to find a child that would fit in our home. I am really fucking tired. I feel like I am killing myself by slow degrees. I don't enjoy my life at all right now. I go through the motions but I'm not even trying in my marriage.

So I quit. I won't try to convince my husband that he is making this impossible with all of his ridiculous restrictions. I won't try to get pregnant by making myself sick with drugs. I won't continuosly call the useless adoption coordinator to make sure our names are actually on the list she keeps losing. I won't search the web for pictures of children with case workers that never call anyone back. I'll keep our home study updated and go to adoption picnics but I'm not going to kill myself trying to MAKE this happen.

To my well meaning friends this will look like acceptance. It will look like I am finally relaxing and letting whatever happens, happen. But that's not it at all. I am going forward with the assumption that I will never have another child. I'm going to grieve that loss now so I can get on with my life. Then if a miracle occurs I can be happy about it. I suspect this grief will be just as powerful as it was when Aiden died. I suspect it may take even longer to get through. But although I am very sad and still angry right now, I don't have that crushing axiety that there is something that I can do to change this. I'm not as powerful as I'd like to be. This sucks and it hurts almost as much as watching my baby die. I guess to some giving up is acceptance. To me it is just one more failure in a very long list. One that I think I can get past eventually, but it doesn't hurt any less. I just hope I can hang on to the giving up part while still leaving the door open for miracles. Having hope is the worst torture of all and one I'd like to be well rid of.

So - commiseration is always welcome but please don't tell me it will all work out.

Always picked last

2011-09-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

This really is like high school all over again. I'm standing on a softball field, awkwardly crossing my arms across my chest, trying to look like I don't care that the overweight girl with asthma got picked before I did. It doesn't feel any better now than it did back then. I know that its not about me. I know that it's more important for these kids to find a home where they fit than it is for me to find my child. But its hard when I watched my co-worker get a baby within a month or two in a fairly unethical way, just because the case worker liked him. Its hard to know that the factor most likely limiting our likelihood of being chosen is the one thing I wouldn't change for all the world. If someone just told me that having my daughter was the most happiness I was allowed to have, I guess I would have to accept that, but no one says that. Everyone expects that we will adopt, and then get pregnant, because as we all know, adoption is the cure for infertility. I want to live in everyone else's world; the one where people get what they want and deserve, the one where deformed babies only happen to druggies and little girls don't know that death is forever.

There are so many things I want to say. Some are sad, some are not. But I only have time for the words that most need to be said. I love that I can come here and be heard and understood. I really will try to find more time to write about more than one aspect of my life. I need it, so I need to make it work. If someone figures out a way to add 4 hours to my day without exhausting me, I'm all ears.

I can't decide which one hurts more

2011-09-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

Something happened to my neck that is causing excruciating pain. The doctor is worried it is a herniated disk because I have pain and tingling in my arms. I won't know until it doesn't get better because my insurance won't cover an MRI until after physical therapy, which I won't do because I can't afford it.

While kind of buzzed on pain killers I stopped by the bank to ask if we would qualify for a small loan to finance a private adoption. We won't.

The match meeting for our possible match was Tuesday. They haven't called so I'm assuming they didn't choose us.

Right now - besides being nearly incoherent with rage and despair - I just can't decide which of those things hurts the most.

I really don't understand why the universe hates me. And if one more person tells me about how their faith has seen them through I will punch them in the face. Hard.

*Crickets**

2011-09-12T18:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a month since we were told we were in the running for a 13 year old girl. I was told to send questions by email. I did, immediately. I have heard nothing. Zip. Zero. Even after a couple of phone calls and several emails. I know I'm being a pest. I don't care. I cannot for the life of me understand why it takes so freaking long to line up parents with waiting kids. This girl has been on the heart gallery for over a year. They had so many home studies they had to do more than one match meeting. I get that they are overworked, but this seems really extreme to me. How can it take up to two years to say here is the family for you? It's not like they are turning away all the home studies. They are just taking a really damn long time to hold the match meetings. It's driving me insane. How many birthdays is this poor girl supposed to spend alone while the social workers coordinate calendars?

They posted on the heart gallery that this girl has a family now. Does that mean we didn't get picked? Or does it just mean they are close to choosing and don't want any more home studies? I can't even get an answer to that question. If it's no, fine. I'll move on. I was in the process of starting domestic infant adoption when they called. I froze everything waiting to learn if we would be chosen. Instead, I got crickets.

Now I get to go see my 21 year old, pregnant with her second child cousin this weekend. Joy. I wonder is she will ditch this one with her mom while she goes out partying. I'm starting to understand kidnappers, I really am.

This hurts

2011-09-06T19:03:00.000-07:00

I want a baby. Every avenue possible to get what I want is being blocked by two things. Money and my husband. One of those obstacles can be removed. Aren't I a horrible person for thinking that?

Hell of a week

2011-09-05T18:26:00.000-07:00

We haven't heard anything about our potential match. I spoke to the therapist and made a list of questions for her and the caseworker. Neither of them has responded except the caseworker told me she was really busy and would get to them soon. I expected a wait but it feels like forever! I've managed to put it out of my mind for the most part right now because there is so much else going on.

My sister and I are planning to visit our grandfather in two weeks. He's had a lot of health issues lately and we wanted him to meet his great-granddaughters before it's too late. When I tried to get in touch with him to let him know we were coming, I found out he was in the hospital with pneumonia. This wouldn't be so bad if the daughter that lives near him wasn't such a crazy and self centered person. She has already had security called on her at the hospital. What kind of care is he going to get if they are all trying to get the crazy person to leave them alone? She is also trying to talk my grandfather into leaving his wife, who has Alzheimer's, and coming to live with her. Oh, the drama! This is going to be an interesting trip. Fortunately I am not quite so worried about my grandfather now, he seems to be doing much better.

My coworker with the foster kids he didn't want no longer has them. They called the social worker to come get the older girl after she threw a tantrum that included some verbal threats. The social worker took the girl to a mental hospital WHILE SHE WAS ASLEEP!!!!!! I'm so fucking appalled I can't see straight. The younger girl went on a cleaning spree trying to make sure she didn't get removed but it didn't do her any good. The social worker wants to keep the two girls together so she is moving them both into a group home. Those poor girls. If my co-worker had only done just a tiny bit of research into parenting hurt children he would have known she would have a melt down after visiting her mother who was on her way to jail. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to calm the girl down but I really, really don't think she was ever a threat to their baby. It absolutely kills me that I couldn't take these girls. I am feeling pretty resentful towards my husband for that one.

I can't wait for hurricane season to be over. That stupid storm (Lee) took the entire holiday weekend to pass over us. We had tornado warnings every two hours for 3 days straight and nearly constant rain. I am grateful we aren't dealing with any of the severe flooding some people are, but I am damned tired. Between my daughter being scared of the lightning, my phone constantly beeping emergency signals, and my husband blissfully snoring, I got very little sleep this weekend. Not to mention having to be the sole source of entertainment for a very bored and very demanding 5 year old. I never thought I'd be so happy to go back to work.

I hope everybody is staying out of the floods out there, hopefully this is the last of them this year.

"Mommy, I don't want to die!"

2011-09-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, god. What am I supposed to say to that? I tell her she won't die. I tell her only the old and sick die. She is a smart girl and doesn't believe me. She doesn't think I can protect her from everything in the world, because I can't. And it hurts so fucking much.

Every night for the last 3+ years - since long before Aiden was even conceived - we have sung her four songs at bedtime that she picked herself. One of them is an old Irish song called "Cockles and Mussels". It is about a girl that dies and her ghost keeps going up and down the street, "singing cockles, and mussels, alive, alive-o". Tonight is the first time ever that she has asked why the girl in the song died. That discussion went into her fear of dying, which she has been bringing up a lot lately, and then into why baby Aiden died. I have always followed everyone's advice and told her the absolute truth. He didn't grow the way he should have and his heart had a hole in it. She worried that her heart or stomach would get holes in them. Nothing I said seemed to help ease her fears.

We went through all the heavy stuff in one conversation: where do babies come from? how do they get the baby out? what happens when we die? when will I die?

I am wrung out. I wish my 5 year old did not know that death is forever. I wish I could tell her the sick fish went back to live in the river. I feel like I'm kicking puppies telling her the harsh facts of life at this age. And I've been doing it over a year and a half. When will she stop worrying?

Everybody is okay . . . for now

2011-08-30T18:39:00.000-07:00

The only damage in the whole neighborhood was the tree that fell on my mom's new car! Fortunately it was a small tree and only scratched up the paint. Now we are nervously watching Katia. Good grief, never a dull moment around here.

We haven't heard ANYTHING about our possible match, which of course is making me crazy!!

Worried

2011-08-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

That hurricane looks damn scary to me. Too bad my mom, brother, and sister-in-law don't agree. They have decided to ride it out at home. Irene is supposed to go right over them on it's way to New England. The one good thing is that they are in about the only high area in the whole city but that means they will be in a dry house surrounded by water. My mom is not in good health and is just seems stupid to risk it. Please think of them and all the people in danger this weekend. I'm going to stick my head in the sand until Monday.

Hell hath no fury . . .

2011-08-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

I just looked this up for the author and just learned it was a paraphrased quote:

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned," William Congreve

Pretty funny that the quote is even more apt now.

I am feeling a little bit lost and a lot overwhelmed today. I've been searching and searching for an online community to support me like all of you in the baby loss community have. I was looking for people that had adopted from foster care, particularly ones that already had bio children. There are unique factors to consider when you have a young child in the home with no history of abuse or neglect and then suddenly start adding traumatized children to the mix. I was hoping for some more wise, funny women that could offer advice and be a sounding board. I thought I had found that in the adoption.com forums but after today I don't think I will go back there.

I posted a brief sketch of the information I was given about out potential match with a 13 year old girl. I stated that she had 3 disruptions but very little history of severe emotional problems. I was immediately attacked for even THINKING about bringing a 13 year old from foster care home where she would have access to my 5 year old. In the eyes of this community this traumatized child had already been tried, convicted and sentenced. Here are some quotes so you can tell me if I am over-reacting.

Has no agency or cw'er talked to you about adopting out of birth order???? This is a very sensible issue and truly, most adopting families find it good practice to ahere to this unspoken rule, KWIM?

It would be VERY risky to put a 5yr old with a 13yr old...even in the best circumstances

Can you imagine your little girl coming to you and telling you that her big sister has been threatening her? That she has been pinching her hard? That she has been telling her things that make her feel uncomfortable? That she has been telling her that she hates you and wants to kill you? None of those things are sexual abuse, but believe me, can leave lasting effects on your child and can make her feel unsafe in her own home. Even just hearing arguing between her older sibling and parents (which there is with the best of 13 year olds!) can make her feel very unsafe. - This one I thought was really ridiculous. My sister and I did way worse than that and we are full biological siblings. It's not abuse, it's normal sibling rivalry and she should be teaching the young one how to handle conflict.

the bottom line was based on this experience I would not recommend adopting out of birth order and I agree that three disruptions and therapeutic foster home is scary to say the least.

I would not bring this child into my family if I had a much younger child

There was more but most of the posts were very vehement about not adopting out of birth order. The thing is, I knew there were people who had disruptions because they just couldn't parent their very traumatized children. I wanted to know if there were warning signs when they were matched so I could learn how to avoid those situations. Instead I got lots of exclamation marks and comments on how horrible and dangerous older children are. Not one of the posters made specific suggestions or told me how things went wrong. They just exploded.

I've personally known several families that have successfully adopted older children, even with younger children in the home. And foster parents mix up the ages all the time. It is not physically possible for every child over the age of 3 in foster care to be a soul-sucking demon. There ARE good kids out there and all I want are the resources to find them. I don't think I should be attacked for that choice.

I'm trying to keep in mind that all of these posts were made by women that adopted a child, expecting to love them, and the child tore their family apart. What I didn't expect was the anger directed towards the children. Yes, at a certain point people have to be accountable for their own actions. But can you really expect that of a child that has been through hell? Why should they believe you when you say they can trust you? And how can you hate them for not believing you and acting accordingly? I don't get it.

EEK!!

2011-08-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

We are one of four families being considered for a 13 year old girl. EEK!! She has some issues that seem pretty minor after reading the special needs adoption forums. I think we can handle it but we are asking lots of questions. Everyone please keep this beautiful girl in your thoughts. She has been through a lot of losses and really deserves someone who won't give up on her, even if it's not us.

Why do people care for children if they don't CARE for them?

2011-08-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

Seriously. This question plagues infertiles. We have to stand by and watch a certain celebrity white trash blond hold her baby in her lap WHILE DRIVING, and people beat their kids in public, while we cradle our empty bellies and weep. It still makes me angry to see people being cruel to children they are supposed to be taking care of. Spitting, seething mad. Why the hell do they have children if they don't want them? What happened today wasn't actual abuse, but for the damage it will probably cause it should be.

I have a co-worker that adopted an infant from foster care last year. She is a little over a year old now. This co-worker, I'll call him George, and his wife, we'll call her Kate, decided to renew the foster license last year. They were originally adoption only, like us, but were matched with the baby and then given 30 days to get a foster license. They decided to renew it because they heard the birth mom of their baby was due to have another one. They wanted to keep the license so that they could take immediate custody when the baby was born. This is the important part to remember - they had no interest in fostering. They ONLY wanted to be available for the biological sibling of their daughter.

About a month ago I got a call on a Sunday night from George. He told me they had accepted an emergency placement of two girls that was only supposed to be for the weekend. The case worker had just called to tell them that it was going to be indefinite unless the couple refused, in which case the girls would go to a group home. George and Kate did not want them to go to a group home, but they didn't want to keep them. They asked me if I could take them. Of course I had to say no because my husband won't even consider foster care of any kind. I was upset but thought the girls would be well taken care of. Boy was I wrong.

The younger girl can't read (she's 7) and is totally resistant to any education. Kate is a teacher and can't stand that. George is an intellectual snob, he constantly makes fun of 'rednecks' and people he sees as inferior. They keep pushing the girls to catch up with their peers and complain when the girls refuse to cooperate. At first I thought they were doing the best they knew how and would just have to learn how to deal with the frustration. But now I am appalled at how these two are acting.

I babysat for them one night. We had a great time. The girls are respectful and obedient. The only issue they have (and I confirmed this with George) is a resistance to new things, like reading every day and eating vegetables. Hmm . . . let's see. Two girls removed from drug addict parents that probably never read a book in their lives. They just lost their entire family; mom, dad, and four siblings. The closest they've probably ever been to a vegetable is the french fries at mcd's. And you are expecting them to LIKE getting pushed to excel at school and eat all their vegetables? Really?

Now that issue I would just put up to slightly bad parenting. It's the rest of what I hear from George that makes me boiling mad. He makes fun of their accents. He makes fun of their fear of sharks. He makes fun of their family and pretty much everything about their lives. He openly complains that he wants them gone and him and Kate go out of their way to exclude them. They take the two foster kids to daycare and not their adopted daughter, who gets to stay home with mom all day. They brought the two foster kids to me to babysit and took their adopted daughter to grandma's. They went on vacation out of state and because of the rules had to leave the girls in respite care. They waited a day and a half to pick them up after they got back in town and when the girls asked them why, they told them the paperwork said they couldn't pick them up before such and such a date. George and Kate don't want the girls to refer to the house they live in as 'home'. George actually corrected me when I asked him when they brought them 'home'. In short, they are treating the girls they agreed to take care of like unwanted house guests.

They took the same classes I did. The ones where we were told to treat foster children NO DIFFERENTLY then our own children. They don't want those girls and even though I'm sure they don't say these things in front of them, those girls know they aren't wanted. They know that they are not as important to George and Kate as the baby is. They know they will be dropped like dog poo the moment the baby's sibling is born. IT'S KILLING ME TO WATCH THIS. Why the fuck did they take a placement if they weren't going to CARE for those kids?

I still can't convince my husband to try foster care. From some of what he said I think it is more baseless fear and self doubt than a legitimate problem. He claims he will be distant with foster kids because he is afraid of losing another child. I think it is a cop-out because he has insecurity issues with his ability to be a father. I'm so PISSED he's not willing to even try to work on it. His solution is to stick his head in the sand and wait for me to give up. He is genuinely sorry that it is breaking my heart, but not sorry enough to try to change it. I don't know how I can keep hearing these stories and not forcing him to do something. I know I can't save everyone, but I KNOW I can provide a loving home for those girls.

I'm signing my whole family up for counseling. If we can't work through this we won't make it. I either need to find another outlet for my mothering instincts or he needs to expand his comfort zone. I'm fucking tired of always being the one to compromise. When is it my turn?

The tragedy of adoption

2011-08-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

This is the post I meant to write last night. Perhaps it's better to write it without the two glasses of wine.

I've been researching private adoption agencies because I am finding that social workers are extremely reluctant to place children out of birth order. It may be a long time before we get an adoptive placement because all the children available are older than my daughter. And I still desperately want a baby, which we are unlikely to get because my husband won't consider any type of foster care. I recently discovered that the cost for a private adoption won't be as prohibitive as I thought. It would cost about the same for two medicated cycles but with the new tax credit I would get it back. Buy my agency research is leaving a very bad taste in my mouth. To explain this I want to tell you a story.

A lot of the emotional problems I currently have can be traced back to something that happened long before I was born. In the 1940's a sixteen year old girl, Virginia, became pregnant. Her parents were horrified and sent her away to have the baby. They took custody of the baby, probably without even consulting the mother, and raised him as their own, disowning and abandoning their teenage daughter at the same time. Fast forward a few years and this young mother is married and has 3 young children. In 1953 her alcoholic husband abandoned her and her 3 children. In desperation she got pregnant again with another man trying to "trap" a husband. It didn't work. This young mother was now pregnant with 3 young children to care for. It was 1953 and it was socially unacceptable for a pregnant woman to work. I suspect she didn't have any skills she could have used anyway. Welfare was not what it is today and was largely privately controlled. So Virginia turned to the only people she thought could help her, Catholic Charities.

The church offered to keep Virginia and her family in an apartment, but at a very heavy price. They told her that she would have to give all of her children up for adoption as soon as the baby was born. I'm sure she felt she had no choice and I know her choice hurt her deeply and destroyed her life. I don't think she was ever given any options or help to try to parent her children. She had to stand by and watch as her children were all taken away and separated. She was able to stay in touch with her youngest daughter, the newborn she placed. She was adopted by a family friend and when they thought she was dying of scarlet fever at seven years old, the family revealed who her first mother was. Her oldest son, the one she lost as a teenager, wanted nothing to do with her. Her second oldest son, who was five at the time, was separated from his sisters and had several failed adoptions before finally being adopted by a less than capable family in Texas. Her oldest daughter, 4 at the time, has never been heard from again and Virginia was convinced until the day she died that her daughter died of a broken heart soon after being placed in the orphanage. Her second youngest daughter, my mom, was 3 when she was placed in the orphanage. She was quickly adopted by a woman that was incredibly cruel to her until the day she left home. My mother was moved while she was asleep from the orphanage to her new parents' car and then across the country. She did not see her birth mother again until 1985, after she had 3 children of her own and a severe mental breakdown. This is the third generation affected by that one decision. I watched the results of my mother's abusive childhood in her suicide attempts and refusal to leave our abusive father. The cycle is finally broken in my family and my sister's (not my brother's, but that's another story) so the end of the story is not all bad. But it was a long damn road to get here and there were many, many casualties along the way.

So you see, when I think about private infant adoption I don't just think about a brand new baby to hold and love. I think about the baby's mother, who may not have had the support she should have. A mother that wanted to parent but was forced by circumstance to rip out her soul and hand it to a stranger. Both my mother and her brother were abused in their adoptive homes. While I know that won't happen in MY home, the birth mother won't know that. I can alleviate that worry by having an open adoption, but how do I make sure I'm not gaining my happiness by ruining someone else's life? I've been finding lots of horror stories in my research. **Edited to add - these are all recent stories, not from when my mom was placed.** Stories from birth moms saying they were coerced into giving up their children. Stories where the grieving mothers were denied the counseling and medical care they were promised, care already paid for by the adoptive parents.

I think it is possible to make the adoption process as healthy as possible for all parties. There are certainly circumstances where the child should not remain with the birth parent. But how do you know? The main agency I'm looking at doesn't have much information out there, so it's hard to know if they will do the right thing. I want a baby but I don't want to be part of another multi-generational cycle of loss and pain. I wonder if there is a way to get what I want without all the peripheral damage.

Never fitting in

2011-08-16T19:42:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel that way? That something about you is just not normal and no matter what you do people will think you are odd? I've had that feeling my whole life. In a strange way being sub-fertile was a good thing for me because I finally found a community that I felt like I belonged in. But then I got pregnant, fairly easily, and then my baby died. Everything about that pregnancy made me feel alienated from everyone except the one person I've met online that has a similar story, although she has not had as much luck as I have. At least I have been able to get and stay pregnant once. But now I can't get pregnant at all, and I don't have the money for treatments. So while I can go on the infertility boards and chat with people, it really doesn't help. No one on the boards is in this place where they can't even afford injectible meds and an IUI, not that I have found. I'm also having a very hard time finding anyone that has a child and is trying to adopt through foster care.

With a single exception from SHARE, I don't have any friends in my non-computer life. I had a couple but they moved away and it has always been very hard for me to make friends. I keep hoping I will hit it off with one of my daughter's friends' parents, but nothing ever comes of my efforts. I think I'm a nice person and interesting to be around, but a lifetime of no one showing up when I throw a party has made me think there is really just something wrong with me. Obviously I have some self esteem issues or I wouldn't even be writing this post, but I thought they were well hidden.

This waiting for someone to look at our home study and think "this is the perfect family for this kid I need to find a home for" is really compounding the problem. Granted, we have only been searching for 2 months, but NO ONE has written us back. It's soul crushing to keep putting yourself out there and never getting any feedback. Do they think I am too screwed up? I was honest on our application about my awful childhood. I thought what I have been through would give me some insight into what kids need who have been through worse. I didn't think my story was all that horrible compared to some of the stories out of foster care. What if I was wrong and they all think I am broken?

Do you know what the worst part is? Watching my daughter begging for friends and/or siblings and knowing it is mostly my fault that she doesn't have either. I don't want her to grow up so horribly alone and it breaks my heart. I just don't know how to fix this. How DO you make friends that stay?

What would you do?

2011-08-08T18:49:00.000-07:00

I really want to know because I think there may be some angles I haven't thought of so I'd like some outside input.

I went to my gyn doc today because I decided if I can't get pregnant then I want to do something about this damn endometriosis. Most of the treatment options I knew of also actively prevent pregnancy so they haven't been an option until now. Here's the thing, though. In my head I have given up all hope of ever having another baby. My heart still hangs on to that last ridiculous thread of hope, not helped by the aunt who "adopted and then got pregnant" story I keep hearing OVER AND OVER (please don't do that. ever.). So while I am theoretically on board with preventing pregnancy in the name of reduced pain, I am not so sold that I want to make it semi-permanent.

My doctor gave me several options to think about, listed below with some pros and cons I have thought of. Please tell me which option would appeal most to you and why, I'm hoping there is some factor I haven't considered because I am really, really torn.

Option 1: Take cyclic progesterone (2 weeks on and 2 weeks off)
Pros: It should regulate my period and won't prevent pregnancy
Cons: It will probably only help a little with the endo pain, progesterone makes me very sensitive to heat and I work outside in a heat index of 110-120 degrees.

Option 2: continous birth control for 3 months, then a period, then another 3 months OR cyclic progesterone.
Pros: possibly no period for 3 months (it didn't work last time but this is a higher dose), could 'reset' my ovaries and allow me to get pregnant after stopping
Cons: high dose is a higher risk of dangerous side effects, effectively sterile for at least 3 months and I'm not getting any younger, not really likely to work

Option 3: Lupron, which will cause artificial menopause for six months
Pros: no period for six months, likely to reduce endometriosis for awhile after stopping (worked for me before, for awhile)
Cons: might be very expensive, hot flashes are a side effect (work outside), might not work and will definitely prevent pregnancy for six months

Option 4: do nothing and save up for accupunture
pros: a little less stressful not having to remember pills, more natural, could get pregnant (insert laughter)
cons: VERY likely to go back to highly irregular periods and near constant bleeding, no relief from the endo pain, it will take a long time to afford treatments (a year or more)

Option 5: Get the mirena IUD for a year or two and reassess
pros: Might have no period at all, has been shown to reduce endo symptoms
cons: won't do anything for fertility, prevents pregnancy, might have constant periods, expensive (This is the option I wanted until a few days ago)

So, I am leaning towards the birth control for three months but I'm feeling very negative about the chances of it working. There are several things I have to consider. I can't take meds that will make me get heat exhaustion out in the field, which could kill me. The endo pain has gotten so bad that I spend the first two days of my period drunk and holding on to a heating pad. I'm running out of excuses for work. I am 35 and I've already had one baby with severe defects. I think that really jumps up the chances of having another poor outcome at my age. I really want to just say 'screw it, I'm not going to get pregnant' and go with the option most likely to reduce the pain. Problem is, I don't really know which option that is, and if it's lupron and IF my insurance will cover it, I still can't take it until winter so the hot flashes don't make me sick. But I can't convince my heart that there really is no hope. That non-logical part of me really wants to leave a window open for miracles. GAH! NOTHING IS EVER EASY!! I think I may get that tattooed on my forehead.

There is one thing I keep forgetting because I can't afford it right now. My main purpose for going today was to ask for another laparoscopy. I had one when I was 21 but nothing was removed because there was a lot of blood vessels nearby and my surgery was in a small hospital. There wasn't a surgeon on call that could fix massive internal bleeding so my doctor wasn't comfortable trying to cut off the growths she found. Now that I know this it can be planned for and I have a better chance of getting some real relief from surgery. My doctor was fine with doing the surgery but warned me that it is not feasible if I can't take significant time off of work (which I can't - no sick leave). She said there is a chance the small instruments won't be enough and they would have to make a larger incision and perform a laparotomy instead. That would be similar to a c-section and I would have to be out of work for six weeks. It will be 2 years, at least, before we can afford that. So, again, the &^%)& money is an issue. If only I had never gone to college and become a plumber instead.

Well, anyway - what do you think you would do if these were your options? Keep in mind I have a living child and we are pursuing foster adoption, so even though I really, really want another baby, it won't kill me if I can't have one (or so I tell myself).

Of Course

2011-08-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

The day I told my sister that I was giving up on ever having another baby she warned me that our cousin is pregnant. Our cousin is 21. This is her second. Her first she got pregnant with at 17. 8 days after announcing her wedding to the first baby's father, she announced on Fbook that she was expecting again. My sister and I already had plans to visit that set of family members because our grandfather is getting very old and had some recent scary health problems.

That trip is going to be hell.

Does this ever get easier?

Where to go from here?

2011-07-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what to do about this blog. I've had so much support here that I don't want to move it, and I don't want to leave it behind because pretty much everything I have of Aiden is here, but I'm faced with a dilemma. The way Aiden died was tragic and horrible, and because people can be closed-minded and stupid, controversial. I'm worried if I open up fully to the adoption community that I will start getting the types of hate mail I worried about in the beginning. Back then I was looking for someone to fight so I probably would have relished a troll or two, but now I don't know that I have the energy to defend my decisions.

I recently started following blogs of people that adopted from foster care. I've been looking for blogs like this for some time but only recently found the message boards that these people frequent. I subscribed to a few but left my subscriptions annonymous. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Chances are these women are largely infertile and many probably know what loss is. I kind of doubt a person willing to take in foster children would be cruel to a random stranger on the internet, but I hesitated. It's one thing to trust my pain and sadness to this wonderful community of mothers who have lost babies, it's another to open myself wider. I feel kind of fragile right now, but I need to speak with people that are going down this road I'm about to travel. This is a decision that will take some time to make, I think. For now I will remain here and hope that I continue to find such loving and supportive women.

My state of mind is slightly better. I'm still really angry but that has been helped by having a good target. My crazy neighbor at work has been actively trying to piss me off the last week and I find myself all too happy to engage. I've managed to keep it below our manager's notice but I'll have to be careful not to let it get out of hand. In the meantime it's nice to have something tangible to be angry about that doesn't involve self hate. I am afraid to sleep. I'm taking large doses of melatonin hoping I won't remember my dreams. Last night I was recovering from some horrible stomach bug and dreamed that I was going to the store to get a pregnancy test because I thought (in my dream) that the puking meant I was pregnant, period be damned. I woke up confused and wondering if I had any tests still in the drawer.

I got to work today just feeling exhausted and hopeless. I managed to shake some of it off after hearing about the most heartbreaking story. One of the girls we inquired about is still available and the heart gallery coordinator told us a little about her. She is in foster care for the SECOND time because her adoptive mother died. I cried when I read that. How much trauma is one little girl supposed to handle? And one of the main things they want to know when you adopt is how your children will be cared for if something like this happens. What was wrong with that woman that she didn't have a plan? It's possible the girl's behaviors are very hard to deal with (big surprise, poor baby) and the person that was supposed to care for her gave her up, but that's even worse. Gah! It just kills me hearing all these stories. Parents are supposed to protect their children. These kids should not be where they are, which is of course why we are doing this. But I can't take them all. I can't take the ones that are so hurt that they lash out at everyone around them. How I wish I could because those are the ones that need a family the most. I keep thinking of how I was when my mom was suicidal and I was running away. If I had been in foster care (I almost was) my file would have been full of red flags. Who would have taken me? But I find myself in the position of having to be picky, because I have to protect the child we already have. That seems particularly ironic right now. How I wish I had the answers or a magic ball. I have a feeling I am just beginning to learn what hard is.

Tomorrow was not better

2011-07-23T19:44:00.000-07:00

I hurt, just about everywhere. The pain medicine that I took so I could at least go to the bathroom without screaming has caused my stomach to cramp every time I eat. My heart hurts, my brain hurts, and my stupid uterus REALLY hurts. All of that is pretty secondary to the anger right now. I still really want to hurt someone or something. Surely there is something/someone (besides me) that I can blame, something I can do to get this poison out. I have been exceptionally hard to get along with since Thursday. Even though I recognize that I'm taking my anger out on everyone around me I can't seem to stop it. I'm wondering if maybe I need to be back on AD's. This is an awful lot like the anger I had after Aiden died. Maybe after my mom's suicide attempts I'm so afraid of depression that I just get angry instead. I suppose that's better for me, but it makes it harder on everyone else.

I had a talk with my husband that really crushed what hope I had left. I asked him months ago if he would consider respite-only foster care. I was trying to avoid his fear of losing a child he cared about by making it strictly a temporary situation. I reasoned that it would be a good way to at least have babies in the house and we would meet more foster parents and case workers that might eventually lead to an infant adoption. I had forgotten when I asked him about this how he reacted to our neighbor's son after we lost Aiden. He refused to be left alone with him. He was extremely reluctant to interact with him at all. Even though we saw these people very frequently, I think he held the baby once the whole year we lived next door. He told me that he couldn't stand being around a baby that wasn't his. I took that to mean that the pain of holding a baby (especially a boy) was just too much for him. It never occurred to me that he would still feel that way. He's been putting me off on the respite care and I finally pushed him for an answer. He started crying and told me that he just can't have a baby in the house that we can't keep. He can't care for someone else's child. He didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to take away my hope.

I told him that I would never force him to do something he wasn't comfortable with. I told him that wouldn't be fair to anyone in the family. I didn't tell him that he was right. Any hope I had that I would someday have a baby in this house, in our family, is gone. I didn't tell him because it wouldn't be fair; he already feels horrible that he can't give me what I want so I didn't want to add to that. But the loss of hope isn't even what made yesterday so hard. It was the confirmation that we are not on the same page. He admitted to me that he doesn't care if we never have another baby. He said he was sad we couldn't get pregnant but that adopting an older child was a perfectly acceptable alternative to him. We are not even on the same planet. I desperately NEED another baby. Older child adoption was never an alternative to having a baby for me; it was supposed to be in addition to. I wanted to do it because I want a larger family and I really want to provide a family for a child that has been waiting far too long, but I still want a baby. The two things are not really related in my mind. When I thought of my family when I was younger, I thought of two babies, followed by adopted older children when the babies were old enough to understand. I was never set on my children being biologically mine, but I was set on them being babies, at least the first two. Now it seems that I will only ever have that one experience (which I thank the universe for every day) of parenting an infant. It’s just heartbreaking. I thought I could find a way around this failure of biology, but it can’t be done. And a tiny but kind of loud part of my brain keeps whispering that I could do it on my own. Not that I would ever in a million years leave just so I could have a baby (I kind of doubt that would work out anyway) but the horrible little thought is there. What is wrong with me?

Trying to get drunk enough to stop the tears

2011-07-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

I hate crying myself to sleep. I especially hate it when my oblivious spouse is snoring beside me. So I got back up and am currently working on my fourth glass of wine for the evening. I spent dinner pleasantly drunk but the buzz wore off before bed. I realize I sound like a major alcoholic right now, but I don't really care. Given my stupid useless body's poor response to most medication, alcohol is really the only relief I get from crippling cramps when my period starts. It just so happens that today I am in mourning and the haze is especially welcome.

By the way - for all of you ladies with severe endo like I have - you have to try cataflam. It works amazingly well. Of course, if you are sensitive to NSAIDS like I am you will think you are having a heart attack when the acid reflux kicks in, so you have to pick your poison. Hence the alcohol. I'd rather deal with the wine hangover than the severe chest pain for days.

I wish there was someone around here I could talk to that gets this. (Hope - if you're reading I don't mean to exclude you - pregnant people are hard to be around right now. I hope you understand, and I hope everything is going well for you). The friends I could call include 2 pregnant women, one of whom is unemployed (along with her husband) and purposely got pregnant with her third when the second isn't even two yet, a 37 year old virgin, a woman who couldn't be bothered to take the pill and has had several abortions, and my sister who has access to the best medical money can buy. You can see that I have trouble with resentment in pretty much all these cases. I realize I sound like a stuck up bitch but I know when something will cause more harm than good.

I feel stupid for being this upset. I knew this was the likely outcome. I already have a 5 year old miracle. There are so many worse problems to have. But no matter how long I lecture myself it doesn't change the image in my head, the image of a baby that didn't even make it past a pound, who's head was so fluid filled I was afraid it would break open just from me holding him. I KNOW that having another baby won't make that go away, I just don't want that to be the end to this story.

It would really help if my husband would get a clue and NOT solicit sex from me when I am hurting this bad over my body's failure. He has never gotten the hint that since Aiden died I have equated sex with making a baby and him asking for it when it is clear it is just for recreation is not helping me. It's not that I don't love him or find him attractive, it's that I don't love ME. I am broken, and fat, and ugly, and useless. I have absolutely no desire to remind myself that sex will not get me what I want most. I just can't separate it the way he can, I wish I could.

I didn't expect to be so angry. I hope the days ahead get better. I almost lost it at work today. One of my very liberal co-workers was complaining about a draconian abortion law and I (very stridently) pointed out the most women find out something is wrong at 20 weeks, at which point there are no options in this area. If he didn't know how my baby died before, he probably does now. I cried all the way home and can't seem to stop. I was reminded again that the state I live in would have been happy to force me to be a life support machine, but wouldn't have helped at all once the baby was born with so many horrible problems. How can a baby with no stomach be considered viable?

Anybody have sad/angry song recommendations? I think I will need some more music therapy in the next few weeks.

I think I am drunk enough to sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.

Irreversibly Broken

2011-07-20T19:34:00.000-07:00

I started today. So yesterday was the last day that there was any hope that I might some day hold an infant of mine again.

I am beaten by this thing. I'm so fucking angry that I can't contain it. It spills into everything. I can't deal with my daughter's sudden defiant streak. I can't deal with my husband's thoughtlessness or my crazy co-worker's ridiculous problems. I want to get roaring drunk and hide for a few days. I want to scream and cry and HURT SOMETHING.

There seems to be no release. The people I am close to can't seem to STOP getting pregnant. Even my own husband doesn't get it. I just told him yesterday that I would start today or tomorrow and he couldn't figure out why I was in a bad mood today. I think he still doesn't understand that I'm not just disappointed. This isn't another bump. This is the giant fucking concrete wall on the edge of the grand canyon. There is no more maybe, no hope, no miracle. There is so very little chance of ever having the cash for a medicated cycle or a private adoption. He won't consider legal risk or foster care, which is the only way to get an infant from foster care. So this end is much more final than all the others. I think part of me hates him for not being crushed like I am.

I am determined that this won't stop our family from growing. But I will always deeply mourn that the last time I held an infant of mine he was cold and still and so very, very small.

This blog will be changing. I am putting all this energy into our foster adoption. I don't expect much from this because I am so afraid of losing again. But I hope some of you will follow me on this new journey.

P.S. As bitter and angry as I am right now, I still want to hear about your little miracles. I just may need to take a break now and then.

really done?

2011-07-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

That's it for me and fertility medicines in pill form. After a bad reaction to clo.mid and now two cycles of severe migraines with Fe.mara, no RE in their right mind will let me try them again. It's not like I would anyway. I do think my life is more valuable than bearing a child. But is hurts, a lot, to know that my chances of another baby are now infinitesimally small.

I had a little hope that this last ditch cycle might work, but my husband is working in the field this week. It's 95+ outside. He's working in fatigues on the beach. Guess what he is cooking while he's out in the searing heat all day long? You guessed it, the one thing that seems to actually be working, his sperm.

I hate that he doesn't care enough about our chances to reschedule his workload. Yeah, he would have to make something up for his boss - but he can't fake a cold for one lousy week? I'm pissed and hurt that he is saving all of his spending money to buy a $400 gun and it never occurred to him to put that towards a cycle. Every time he mentions the extra paycheck we will get this month, he talks about stuff he wants to buy. Frivolous stuff. Crap that we don't need and might not even use very often. I get that he is tired of living paycheck to paycheck and wants to enjoy his money a little more. Yeah, it sucks that we can't go buy something just because we like it. We have both lived that way our entire lives. But, for the first time ever we have a savings account and our debt is actually decreasing and all I really want is a baby. No matter how many times I tell him that, it just doesn't sink in. I don't think it's that he doesn't want one. It's that he really doesn't understand that I have an expiration date (if I haven't already passed it) or he thinks it will just happen if I "relax".

After 3 years and 7 medicated cycles and no live baby, how the hell can he expect a different outcome? I don't even know what to say to him.

So maybe this is the final, really real, really, really real end point. I don't want it to be. I hope I'm wrong*.

* I know - I keep saying I'm at the end of the road. I just can't seem to give up, even when it is obvious I should. Is there anyway to cure that?

ambivalence

2011-06-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

I haven't heard anything new about the kids we are supposedly being considered for. When I tried to ask the coordinator if they will tell us if we are NOT selected (so I know to stop worrying about it) she got defensive and didn't really answer the question. I'm pretty sick of trying to get answers from her without pissing her off. She literally holds our lives in her hands and I fucking hate that. She is a burned out, bitter old woman that can't find anything positive to say and I have to be nice to her so she doesn't sabotage our chances at building our family. It is so incredibly frustrating to know what we want and have to accept that the outcome is completely out of our hands. It all comes down to luck and other people doing the jobs they are payed to do. AGGHH!

On the other hand, I have my stupid brain's continuing refusal to give up hope on the biology front. After talking to my clinic I went ahead and filled another Fe.mara script. They were fine with me not getting monitoring if I wasn't having headaches. So I got the meds, and then forgot to take them on CD3. Says a lot about my frame of mind, right? I just started on day 4, figuring that I can't really make my cycle any worse and one day shouldn't make any difference. Problem is, the last two days I've had a migraine all day. This is not a good sign. I may be forced to give up hope but I find myself curiously unconcerned. Is this denial? Or am I finally getting to acceptance? I have no clue. All I know is that I don't really want to be doing another cycle, but I can't make myself stop either.

I need a lobotomy.

Crazy couple of days

2011-06-23T05:51:00.000-07:00

In the midst of my deep anger and depression over my stupid body's inability to do one simple task there has been a flurry of emails about children.

It started on Monday. I had called the adoption coordinator for our area last week to find out when we would get a copy of our home study. There were two children in different states we wanted to inquire about and we needed the study to send. She said it was in the mail and asked what type of children we were looking for. I told her ideally a sibling group of two where at least one child was under 7. She sent me an email (to my work address) that I didn't get until after a long day in the field on Monday.

She wanted to know if we wanted to be considered for a sibling group of two. A little boy who is 6 and a girl who is seven. The problem is that they are legal risk. For those that don't know, legal risk means their case plan has moved from reunification to adoption but there is still the possibility that the parents could complete their case plan and get the children back, or a relative could show up wanting to adopt. My husband has said he's not willing to do legal risk because he thinks it will be too hard on me and K if we lose a child we are attached too. I'm a little more willing to risk getting my heart broken if it means getting more kids. That's pretty much what infertility is anyway, month after month of heartbreak and pain. At least with the adoption there is a very, very good chance that eventually it will work out.

So we talked, and he agreed (reluctantly - I think only because I was devastated about the latest negative) to be considered for the children and decide after we have more information if it's a risk we want to take. Progress!

Even though I checked at home Tuesday after another long day in the field, I didn't notice until yesterday that she had sent another email 20 minutes later asking about 2 more children. These were separate cases of 4 year old girls. One has speech and learning delays but is progressing well, the other has ADD and some oppositional behaviors. As soon as I emailed her back that we'd like to be considered she sent another email about a boy/girl sibling group, ages 2 and 7. I replied I'd like to be consider for all of them and then she wrote back that the legal risk staffings for the two 4 year old girls had been canceled because one had a relative show up and the other had just had TPR completed, meaning she is free and clear for adoption.

So - we are now in the running for FIVE different children. One is free for adoption so the only issue is whether we are a good match. The others are 2 different boy/girl sibling groups right in the age range we really wanted. The 2 and 7 year old are really ideal. That way K gets to be the big sister and has an older sibling that is close enough in age to play with.

I'm a little hopeful. Don't get me wrong, I still break down in painful sobs every time I start to dwell on the fact that we can't pursue anymore fertility options. But now at least the adoption stuff is going somewhere and we have a real chance at a larger family. Things seemed so much bleaker on Monday.

Of course the waiting for the staffings and match meetings is going to drive me crazy, but that does seem to be the nature of the game.

It can't get any whiter than that.

2011-06-20T19:49:00.000-07:00

A glaring negative, and oh look, is that blood? Why yes, of course it is.

That's it, universe. You broke me. I am fucking done.*

*I reserve the right to change my mind if I win the lottery.

Long time, no update

2011-06-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

So sorry. I have been posting updates on Glow and really thought I had updated here. For all of the two readers I have left after my blog neglect, here is an update.

Nothing terribly exciting. Another endless 2ww. This is my first ever monitored cycle. I had an encounter with Mr. Wandy on CD 3, followed by 5 days of Fema.ra. Thank goodness, this time no migraine. That is a huge relief because another round of migraines would have nixed not only this cycle, but any future assisted cycles. I was pretty damn scared for the first two weeks.

I went in on CD 12 for another date with Mr. Wandy (he really needs to work on his wooing skills - that freaking hurt) and was told I had one "nice" follicle. I think it was on the large side (22mm) but the RE wasn't concerned. So I did a trigger shot, which one of the nurses gave me for free (I LOVE her) and should have ovulated between the 7th and 8th, so I have 4 more days before I will know if this worked.

I'm trying extremely hard not to think about it. The last 10 days have already felt like a month. Everything seems to hinge on that one tiny egg. Thanks to the $1000 I just had to put into my 13 year old car, I don't have enough for another cycle unless they will let me go without monitoring (unlikely). I can probably try again next year, but that seems forever from now and I'm only getting older.

To help with the 2WW crazies, I have a head cold/severe allergy thing and can't tell if the nausea is from that or could be a pregnancy symptom. I keep telling myself that it's way to early to get symptoms and so far I believe it. Unfortunately, I can't take any of the meds that would make me better because they are all class C. While I certainly am willing to suffer a lot worse than a horrible cold for a live baby, I'm going to be REALLY pissed if I'm not pregnant and had to be miserable for no reason.

So, I will update on Wednesday.

Right where I am: 1 year, 5* months, and 2 days

2011-06-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks Angie, for a wonderful project.

At 6:05 am on New Year's day in 2010 a very small, very still little boy was brought into the world. His parents loved him and named him Aiden, flame, for the brief little flame that was his life.

Sometimes it feels like my life stopped that day, and my current existence is a weird sort of afterlife where I have to worry about things like dentist appointments and paying the bills. Other times it seems like the period between August 2009 to January 2010 was just a long and terrible dream. Part of me still lives in that ultrasound room, wishing things would end differently, and part of me is here, living my life. It is a weird sort of dichotomy that I have gotten used to. It is my new existence.

I wasn't going to participate in this project because I didn't think I had anything to say. But I was loading pictures onto F.ace.boo.k, the first thing I have done on that site since announcing Aiden's death, when I realized that my life is mostly back to normal. This normal is not what I had pictured, but to outside observers it appears normal.

I thought about posting something about Aiden when another anniversary comes and then wondered if anyone would ask if I was over his death. Of course I am not over it. I've known from the start that there is no "over" with this type of loss, but I do think I am past his death. I no longer dwell constantly on what could have been or where I went wrong. I no longer question my decisions on a daily basis and wish I had known how things would go. I am more accepting of the fact that I had no control and could not have predicted, or changed, anything. This doesn't mean I don't still miss him with a deep, painful longing, or that I'm not still angry over my body's failure, but I am doing okay now.

I think if I had to sum up a feeling for where I am now, it would be to say, I got through his death. I am not "over it" but I did get through it. I survived a hell I had never imagined. I kept going until I didn't have to force myself to go through the motions every minute. I never consciously thought, "I will live until tomorrow," but looking back I can see that is what I was doing. Living another day, and another, until living became easy again. It took a long time. A year and some change doesn't seem that long intellectually, but it felt like decades. Some days were just so hard to get through that they felt like weeks. But now here I am, on the other side, and I can see the sunshine again and plan for the future. And part of me will always be sad that I can do that without my son.

*When I wrote this I had to count the months - which tells me that I am really not dwelling on the loss anymore. I originally posted that it was 4 months and then realized I had counted wrong. I never would have thought that could happen even six months ago.

Slightly better . . . and something I haven't told you yet

2011-06-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

I have new babies in the house. Not the species I was really hoping for, but an absolute pleasure anyway.

Sorry about the grainy picture, I was in low light and not really able to move. That is me laying on my living room floor with a pillow under my hips and a heating pad on my back. I managed to throw my back out at work again yesterday so I am trying to avoid the doctor's office today and taking it easy. I realized I hadn't told anyone here about the kittens yet and they came over for some love while I was reading blogs. I thought I would share the cuteness. The black one is Lei-lei and she is nursing on my neck. The tabby is Petri and he is a sweetheart. Lei-lei is trouble. She is always the first to try something and usually gets Petri to do it to and then lets him take the fall.

I'm a little more hopeful. I haven't gotten a migraine yet and I only have one more dose of Fe.mara left. I go in for a trigger shot on the 6th. I don't really expect this to work but at least I don't have to give up right now without even trying. In the meantime I will enjoy my new little babies and my big girl.

Hard day

2011-05-27T18:57:00.000-07:00

So this is cycle day 2. I had to go in for my baseline ultrasound today because the satellite office is closed on weekends and the main office is over an hour away. They were nice enough to do the scan today. It went well but the news from the doctor is not good.

He is very concerned about the severe migraine I got with the Fe.mara. I was on that to begin with because I had a bad reaction to Clo.mid. The nurse told me that it is really rare to have someone that reacts badly to Clom.id, and even more rare to have someone react badly to Fe.mara. So I guess that puts me on the bad side of statistics again. The nurse said that the headache could have been a sign of high blood pressure or something else equally dangerous. She kept emphasizing that I already had a baby (I'm aware of that, thanks) and that it wasn't worth risking my life for another (does that mean it is worth it for one?). She told me to go ahead with the Fe.mara and the monitoring but if the headache returns I have to stop the meds immediately and this cycle will be canceled. Which would mean I just threw away the $300 I spent on the baseline ultrasound and the blood tests.

On a good note - the monitoring is not as insanely expensive as I thought. The chart I saw was for injectibles. The nurse I saw today at the satellite office said she has a free round of the trigger shot to give me. I just about leaped over the counter to kiss her.

Unfortunately, if I don't respond well to the meds, we are at the end of the road. I can't pay for the injectibles so there is no point in continuing. I'm trying not to borrow trouble by assuming this cycle won't work, but I've pretty much spent the entire day crying. I kept saying after my pregnancy with Kira that I would much rather get a baby another way. Sometimes lately it seems like I should have been careful what I wished for.

Of course now I just feel like a heal because I caught up on my reader and there are so many women out there dealing with this and worse that have never had a living child. My heart goes out to them because I just can't imagine that level of pain, or the strength it takes to keep going. But despite feeling bad for wallowing is self pity, I can't seem to shake it. So I am baking french bread and drinking wine and crying. I think a hot bath is next.

End of the conversation

2011-05-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, car, the voices did get louder when I covered my ears. Should I be worried?

me: well, voice in my head, not pregnant after all, hmmm?

sv: umm, well, it looked promising?

me: shut the eff up and pass the wine.

CD 1 again. I haven't gotten the beta back, not much point to it now, I almost don't want to know. I'm waiting for a call back from the RE for the next steps. I doubt I will be able to afford anything else right now. Hopefully our house will sell before the trustee auction and we can at least get a couple of thousand out of that disaster.

Who ever said money can't buy happiness was certainly not infertile.

The circus in my brain

2011-05-25T14:41:00.000-07:00

stupid voice in my head (sv): Dude, it's cycle day 30 and you are only spotting a tiny, tiny bit. You're pregnant.

me: shut up. I ovulated late. And the spotting is that stupid luteal phase defect.

sv: how do you know? You stopped temping. You could have ovulated on the 11th - which would make this 14dpo. And you've spotted before while pregnant. You're pregnant.

me: I probably didn't ovulate until the 13th - it could have been as late as the 15th. And look at how that last spotting turned out - big giant sign that something was really wrong.

sv: but why are you peeing so much? And crampy? You never get cramps before your period.

me: I don't know what you are talking about (sticks head in sand).

sv: pee on a stick!

me: NO!

sv: come on, at least you'll know, right?

me: No, I won't. It will just make me more crazy. If it's negative I'll think it's too early. If it's faint I will think it is a chemical pregnancy or ectopic. Even if it were indisputably positive I would think it was a chemical or ectopic. Nope, too scary.

sv: (in singsong) you're pregggnant ...

me: (fingers in ears) LA LA LA I can't hear you!!!

sv: call the clinic, see what they say.

me: I already did, dammit. They said to get a beta done.

sv: HA HA! I told you! Pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.

me: Go to hell. I only did it to shut you up.

sv: Mmm hmm, whatever you need to tell yourself.

me: *angry scowling face*

Beta tomorrow - first thing in the morning. Then off to the psychiatric consult for the voices in my head.

Dammit!!

2011-05-21T20:25:00.001-07:00

So much for this cycle, and the next one as well. I bought two more OPT's from the dollar store. One for tomorrow and one for Monday, assuming that I would know one way or the other by Monday night.

Except my traitorous, scum-sucking, deceitful uterus decided to ruin my weekend and the month by starting EARLY. Right now it is just spotting, but I expect a period by tomorrow. Even though I don't know what day I ovulated, the earliest possible date puts this at 12 dpo, so the luteal phase defect is still there, even with the meds.

Of course there is still the slim possibility that this is just the same type of spotting I had early on with Aiden, but I very much doubt it.

The next option has to be a monitored cycle. There is no use spinning my wheels doing the same thing over and over with the same result. There are two problems with that;
a. I probably can't afford it,
b. I would have to come in on cd3 for an ultrasound and start meds. I can't because I am going on an overnight trip for work that can't be changed.

I don't know how rigid that cycle day 3 thing is, but it doesn't really matter - see (a) above.

I knew I would be horribly disappointed if this cycle didn't work out, and I am. But I'm really not surprised. I think I used up all of my good fortune with the birth of my daughter. I can learn to be content with that, I hope, but not right now.

I miss the smell of a newborn. The coos and grunts and unhappy cries. Today I held a 7 month old and he kept smooshing my face into his and chewing on my fingers. I just melted. My friend that is fostering him was not sure they wanted to adopt again (he is their fourth) but her husband fell in love and refused to let him go. I want that, but I realized tonight that I want that without feeling like I stole it from someone else.

Likely the only way I will ever have a newborn is if we do a private adoption (not like I can afford that either), but I have seen some of the predatory practices that adoption agencies use and I am not confident I can find one that respects the first mother enough. Adoption is loss - to someone, somewhere. If the biological parents don't miss the child, the child will miss them, even if they never met. Somewhere there is probably an aunt, a grandmother, even a sibling that wonders what might have been. I know that adoption can provide a much better life, but how do you know? My mother was coerced from her mother and I know things like that still happen. How can I justify getting my dream by ripping it away from someone else?

I don't know where to go from here. I'm still hopeful that something will pan out with the foster adoption but our chances are extremely limited by my husband's refusal to consider legal risk placements. Apparently I'm the gambler in the family. He told me we never had to try again after Aiden died, but I'd rather risk getting my heart broken again then give up so I keep going. Unfortunately he is only with me so far. He can't stand the idea of falling in love with a child to have them returned to their abusive/neglectful family or placed somewhere else. It's really frustrating but I'm certainly not going to force him.

I open to any advice or encouragement. I'm feeling pretty bleak over here.

Oh how I hate the waiting

2011-05-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

Our home study was finally turned in and we are still waiting for our background checks. But now we are down to weeks instead of months. The only problem is that we aren't sure if we will get a caseworker assigned to us. If we don't we will be our only advocates, which will make it much harder to find children. On the plus side, tomorrow is the adoption picnic and the caseworkers my co-worker had will be there. They are very nice people and hopefully they will help us get someone on our side. I wish I could have them but we are in the wrong county.

I'm really looking forward to this picnic. We've been to two but haven't talked to any kids yet. We are both kind of shy and it was awkward trying to figure out how to approach someone. Somehow "hi! do you need a family?" doesn't seem appropriate. It's also very hard to tell who is a caseworker and who is a parent. But now that I know some of the faces I can figure out who to talk to. And since we actually HAVE a home study now, I feel a lot more comfortable talking to the kids.

On the ttc front, here is where I whine, feel free to skip this one.

I know I ovulated, I just don't know when. Sometime between the 9th and the 15th. So I could start (or get a massive surprise) sometime between Monday and Friday. I really, really hate uncertainty (I know, shocking right?).

Besides the obvious, this is a problem. I'm leaving early Monday morning to drive 4 hours with my male co-worker to get on a boat for about 8 hours. NOT a good time to be doubled over with cramps and bawling because I'm not pregnant. Or to be anxious and poking my boobs to see if they are sore. Also, my clinic wanted to do a beta on cd 28 - that's not going to happen. I don't care as much about that because I can always get a stick to pee on, but the timing does suck.

I couldn't stand it and took a test today - negative, of course. In the best case this would be cd 11, so still pretty early.

I hate waiting! Wah, Wah, Wah!

Quickie update

2011-05-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

I need to go to bed, I have a long day tomorrow. My progesterone was 18 - according to the nurse definitely post ovulation. FF thinks I'm 8dpo, I think I'm 7. Now it's just more waiting.

And! My home study is finally completed, not yet approved. Yikes!!

This is what I get for not questioning

2011-05-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

I like my RE (so far, I only met him once), I really do. What happened with this cycle is, I think, mainly my fault. When I talked to the RE I emphasized that money was an issue but forgot to emphasize that I really don't know what my body does, because it never does the same thing twice, and I wanted to be monitored. So he decided that I wanted as little intervention as possible and didn't offer aggressive (read, expensive) monitoring. All he wanted was a 7 dpo progesterone check. That would have been fine if I had gotten a normal response after taking the Femara, but of course that didn't happen.

My temps started out normal for me, except a little more stable. Then they dipped really low. So low that I thought my thermometer was broken, or I was dying. I bought a new thermometer to double check and it was reading the same. So after several days of low temps and really so-so fertility signs, my temp starts to rise. It jumped up quite a bit from the low point but was about even with the beginning of the cycle. I thought this meant I hadn't ovulated, especially since I hadn't gotten a positive OPK yet. I did get what I think was a positive OPK the day after my temp rose. The following day the line was definitely darker than the control. The day after that it was still positive. My temp did not go up again so I have no idea if I ovulated or not. It's now been 4 days since the temp rose so I had to hurry up and get the progesterone test set up. That meant scrambling around to find a fax machine and waiting all day to hear back from a nurse.

my chart

When she finally called me, at 6pm, she told me that she thought temp charts were useless, and I quote, "only show how inadequate your body is". She said she wanted to have that put on a t-shirt and was amazed that I had the stamina to chart as long as I have; she only lasted a few months. I agree with her 100%. That's why I quit charting last year. It was just a daily reminder that my body was failing to do what millions of other female bodies seem to have no trouble with. One simple thing and it just couldn't manage it. I didn't know there was another way to track ovulation and she described the protocol she likes to use. Day 3 is an ultrasound to check for cysts and any other problems, and then start fertility meds. Day 12 is a trigger shot to induce ovulation, followed by another ultrasound (I forget which day) to confirm ovulation and a progesterone check on day 21. They tell their patients not to use OPT's and just come in for a beta. So in light of my confusing chart she said to just come in Monday for the day 21 progesterone level. At least I will know if I actually ovulated.

After she said this I told her I was upset that the doctor hadn’t mentioned that protocol because I wasn’t sure I could do another Femara cycle with the migraines it gave me. She said that my RE is very good at reading people and he must have thought the cheaper, less invasive route was preferable to me. I wish he had asked but with the information he had, it was a logical assumption.

So here I am, possibly at 4 dpo, contemplating another cycle of excruciating migraines. I think I can do it if I will get definite answers. Am I ovulating and ovulating well? After that I think we will have to give up or move to injectibles. I seriously doubt the injectibles have fewer side effects, I’m just hoping they have different side effects. Hopefully I will learn this lesson; that I need to speak up for what I want. Hopefully this cycle isn’t wasted.

It has been an especially hard cycle because I possibly ovulated just before Aiden’s due date. Conception could have occurred on his due date. This is messing up my head because it seems like one hell of a coincidence. It is very hard to not attribute divine intervention in those dates (especially considering my period was 3 days late to get this timing). But the problem with suspecting divine intervention is that it gives me too much hope. Surely if God, fate, Aiden, or the universe intervened to cause that timing, they wouldn’t do it for a failed cycle? So I am stuck in this vicious cycle of hope, anxiety, and pessimism.

At least my 2WW was shortened by my not catching my (alleged) ovulation until four days later. More news on Monday when I get my progesterone check.

Day 6 of Femara migraine

2011-05-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

The whole house looks like this (I spared you the kitchen). The five year old is in complete control. The husband is lucky I need his sperm. Thank god it is Friday and this cycle better work!!

Good news and something no one will tell you about bankruptcy

2011-05-04T15:30:00.001-07:00

Both tubes are open. That is a shock to me. My lap back in 1998 showed one ovary completely fused to the tube with scar tissue. I was SURE that tube was useless. Apparently there is some other reason it is so hard for me to get pregnant (which is kind of depressing, actually). But at least that is one worry off the table. I no longer have to be concerned which side I'm ovulating from. The procedure was not bad. I was glad for the valium because I had really worked myself up. The lortab was probably overkill but judging by the twinge I did feel, I really would have wanted it if the tube was blocked.

As for the bankruptcy. As many of you know I lost my job in 2008. We lost most of our belongings, including our newish car and our house that we had remodeled all by ourselves. We were just getting back on track when Aiden died. The train promptly left the track and crashed horribly in a field somewhere, never to be recovered. No one would work with us on payments while I was out of work. We filed bankruptcy. I knew that things would not be easy in the credit department after that but I was more concerned with keeping a roof over our heads. What I didn't expect was how horribly everyone would treat us. I did not know that insurance companies use your credit history to determine rates. To get affordable renters insurance I had to go to some no name fly by night company and hope they would still be around if we had a claim. I tried to get cheaper auto insurance and discovered that our rates have DOUBLED. Because my son died. How fucking shitty is that? I cried and cried on the phone with the damn insurance company. If we keep our current insurance we may still have to pay more. The company I talked to today said that if they (our current company) check our credit, which they probably do once a year, they will most likely increase our premiums. BECAUSE OUR SON DIED. I am so unbelievably angry about this. No one cares, or will even listen, about the reason we filed bankruptcy. My credit is actually still good - I have 15 years worth of on time payments and my score is currently 700. So I get screwed because because I had the bad taste to have a horrible loss while carrying credit card balances. So thanks, corporate america, for reinforcing just how shitty it is to lose a child and just how little anyone cares (present company excepted, of course).

Google is on to me

2011-05-02T12:25:00.000-07:00

My husband hates it when he uses my chrome browser and it automatically fills stuff in. He sees it as "the man" watching and recording everything. I laugh at him and call him paranoid. I like that my web browser knows what I like, and I like that I don't have to type my name and address over and over again. I'm not stupid, I don't save passwords or sensitive information. However, sometimes I get a little weirded out by google. I've noticed in the last few days that all my email adds are for IVF services. I haven't emailed anyone about anything infertility related. It took me a minute to realize that my blog is also run by google.

(Whispers) They know everything . . .

It's creepy. I'm a little bothered. And hey, Google! I am NOT getting IVF! I can't afford it, stop sending me those damn adds. ART is not the same as IVF. You don't automatically get a kid from a petri dish the moment you walk into an RE's office. Enough already.

In other news, and this is sure to bring on the Google adds, my HSG is Wednesday. My RE prescribed valium and lortab for it. This freaks me out a lot. Just how much do they expect this to hurt that they want me to be so stoned?

Yikes.

Unbelievable

2011-04-27T19:51:00.000-07:00

I've never been able to find any kind of pattern to my cycles. They are ERRATIC. I always get irritated when the doctors insist on a length between cycles or a length of the period. I tell them 14 to 60 days between and 2 to 14 days long. That usually shuts them up. Keep in mind that it has been this way since my period first showed up 20 years ago. The only time I'm remotely regular is when I'm taking hormones.

Given this, I fail to understand how I could have ovulated on the exact same day two years in a row (the day Aiden was conceived and the anniversary of that day).

I've been bleeding damn near constantly since November. Even high dose birth control didn't completely stop it. When it finally stopped for a few days I missed a pill and it promptly started again. So I expected when I stopped the pills for good in anticipation of starting the Femara, that I would start the next day. This would put my expected ovulation date within days of Aiden's due date. Apparently my ovaries have a sick sense of humor or they are class I assholes. Instead of starting the next day, I started 3 days later. Which, of course, puts my expected ovulation date ON Aiden's due date. What the hell?!

I may be putting too much emphasis on dates, and who the hell knows if I will actually ovulate on day 14, but this seems like a lot more than coincidence. I suppose it could also be divine intervention but I'm not sure this would be a happy coincidence. I don't really know how I feel about it. Other than pissed off that my body is so contrary.

easy peasy - and I didn't even take off my pants

2011-04-20T19:21:00.000-07:00

I'm in a much better mood but still bouncing back and forth between utter terror and hope.

The RE was awesome. He is a member a nonprofit environmental group; I was impressed! He was a nice guy and seemed to actually care about getting me pregnant and not racking up a large account. He took my concerns about clomid very seriously and is one of the very few doctors that did not talk down to us. He actually seems to understand that as biologists we have a basic understanding of how procreation and hormones work.

He is going to do an HSG, which I was pretty sure would be needed, but doesn't need any further blood work right now. He has me starting a round of Femara with nothing else and will check my progesterone after ovulation. I didn't even need an exam! And best of all - the $350 consultation was actually covered by my insurance and cost me $20. I still can't believe that. He said the HSG would be covered too. If we have to move to injectables they aren't covered but I was planning on spending several hundred so that doesn't stress me out. It's actually sounding like we may be able to afford this after all.

So, this round of bcp ends on Sunday (eep!), which of course puts my likely ovulation date within 3 days of Aiden's due date. Of course. But that's way better than having that day as my LMP.

The adoption home study is also moving along. We still think we are going to adopt even if we get pregnant so we aren't changing anything there.

Yikes! I could have another kid (or 2, or 3) by February! (This is me not getting my hopes up - can you tell?)

Going to find the valium now. Deep breaths.

Dread

2011-04-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

RE appointment is tomorrow. I'm dreading it for a variety of reasons that don't seem to make much sense. First of all, I HATE that I am forced to go see a male gynecologist. I haven't seen one since I was a teenager and was treated horribly because I had the nerve to complain of abdominal pain.

- Whiny women. It's supposed to hurt. God punished Eve for that little apple incident and now you get to pay the price. Shut up and stop wasting my time. (Not that he said that of course).

Also, I have issues with strange men sticking fingers and object in there. That part is going to be really hard. But there is also the fear that this won't work. And the fear that it will work and end up the same or even worse than last time (I'm not sure what would be worse but I'm sure the universe could come up with something. And the fear that it will work and we will lose out on an adoption placement because I am pregnant. Or we will run out of money before we get a real chance at trying (the most likely scenario).

I really, really wish someone would tell me that this will never work. I have a harder time with hope than I do with the certainty that I won't get what I want. At least I could mourn the loss and move on. Instead I may not be able to give up hope until I hit menopause. This ridiculous thought that I got lucky once and could again one day will continue for YEARS. That I dread more than a simple no. This last year and change of holding onto a slim thread of hope has been very hard. I don't want to do that for years. I don't want to be bitter and angry and jealous all that time. But I can't seem to stop myself from hoping without a really good reason not to.

My husband asked me a few months ago if I wanted him to get a vasectomy so that the issue was closed and I could move on. I was PISSED. But I see his point. That, at least, would be closure.

At least tomorrow I should have a little more information. Information is always good.

FINALLY!!!

2011-04-09T19:29:00.000-07:00

They called. Our first home study appointment is tomorrow. Yikes! I'm nervous and excited and kind of pissed that it is finally happening right when I have my first RE appointment.

In other news - my poor big girl who is turning five tomorrow is pretty sick. I'm worried about her because she has an awful full body rash and is just very blah. She hasn't gotten sick enough for the ER but I'm not sure it will stay that way all weekend. Every time she gets sick now I really overreact and spend the whole time trying to decide if I could survive life without her. I HATE that. It feels like I'm just waiting around for her to die. I wish I new how to turn that off - it makes me feel like I'm asking for something horrible to happen.

My craziness aside, it's starting to look like we may have at least one other kid by this time next year. Here's hoping.

secrets

2011-03-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about secrets today. My co-workers don't know that we chose to end the pregnancy with Aiden. I only told them that he died. I keep wanting to tell one in particular because he keeps sending me articles about horrible anti-choice legislation hoping that I will call or write to protest. I'm not sure if he suspects that we had to make that choice or just knows that my political and moral leanings are pretty similar to his, but I would like him to know exactly how personal it is to me. I'm scared to though. I've held this secret very close. My sister knows - she paid for the procedure and held me while I cried. My mom knows - I knew without doubt the she would support me. I have 4 very close friends who know because I trusted them with my heart, even if I wasn't sure if they fully agreed with our decision.

My father doesn't know. My brother doesn't know. My catholic grandfather and Aunt don't know. I don't know why I never told them. I think most of them would understand and not judge. But I'm not positive. 'Probably' was far too risky when I was feeling so very fragile. Even now I don't think I could handle my choice being questioned by someone I loved. I saw what that did to my husband when his best friend from high school made a judgmental comment. I don't think he's spoken to her since.

I don't know where I am now with this secret. Saturday we spent some time with my husband's friend from childhood that he recently reconnected with. He and his family have welcomed us with open arms and tell us that they consider us family. They know we lost a son, but not exactly how. We have not wanted to tell them because they are very religious and we are not sure how they would react. I'd like to think that it wouldn't matter. You know that old saying - the friends who matter won't care, and the friends who care don't matter? It's crap. It would hurt us deeply if these friends didn't support our decision. And what if they outright rejected our friendship because they believe what we did in compassion is a mortal sin? How would we explain that to our daughter who is in love with their family? But not telling them opens a little gap of mistrust, and it bothers me sometimes.

This friend, lets call him Fred, has a large family. On Saturday I was at the store with Fred's wife and sister in law. It turns out that the sister in law had 8 babies die. One was a twin that was anencephalic. She told me that it was god's gift that the baby didn't live to be born, that she didn't have to care for a dying infant. That really, really hurt to hear because I PRAYED that Aiden would let go so that I wouldn't have to make such a horrible decision and he would die in peace and not suffer. I wanted to tell her how lucky she was but I was sure, by the things she said, that she wouldn't understand. Just as I can't comprehend watching a baby of mine die that way, I don't think she could comprehend directly causing the death of her baby - no matter how sick it was. Many days I think she has the easier outlook. But I also think I did the right thing.

It's hard, keeping this secret. Thank you so much for letting me share it here without judgement.

Ho-hum

2011-03-22T20:24:00.000-07:00

I think I am getting depressed again. It is all this damn waiting. Supposedly we will be assigned a case worker for our home study by the end of the month (not holding my breath), and my very first fertility appointment is at the end of April. It feels like it will never get here. I've been very negative lately about our chances of getting any kid at all. I keep expecting the universe to screw us again, which is why I think I am getting depressed.

I don't know what to do now. My doctor is an ass and I just don't have the energy to find another one. Of the literally dozens of doctors, therapists, and psychologists I have seen in my lifetime, there have been less than 5 good ones. That doesn't bode well for my chances of finding someone who can actually help me.

I have a horrible fucking migraine and I'm spotting again. 10 days without bleeding - that's a new record.

I almost deleted this because I'm sick of the complaining. But, hey - it's my blog. Why else am I writing it except to work through all this crap?

Believing in miracles

2011-03-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not religious - probably even somewhat anti-religion. After my son died I wished often that I had some type of faith to fall back on. I felt so incredibly alone.

I do have a belief in a higher power, a purpose to our existence, and that we continue on in some form after death. I was able to take some solace in those beliefs, especially after this happened:

(Originally posted on Glow in the Woods)

I'm sitting here, home sick from work, writing sad and angry posts. It is a lovely day and I have both doors open to the breeze. I heard a rustle and looked up, and there in the kitchen, looking happy and mischievous, is the little wren that I named my son after. It feels like Aiden stopped to check in on me and tell me not to be sad. What a gift.

Just so no one is alarmed - the wren flew right back out again. I didn't want it to get caught in the house but I kind of hope he stops back in.
March 8, 2010 | jen

I don't remember if I wrote about this here, but the reason we chose Wren as a middle name for our son was because there was a Carolina Wren that sang on the fence just outside my window every morning after Aiden died. I had never noticed him before that, he just appeared a few days after we came home. When I watched that bird I felt peaceful and connected to my baby. It felt like he was there with me, watching that bird, maybe whispering to it to sing me a little song. So when that wren flew in the door that spring day last year, it was a message to me.

When we moved this past January, just days after Aiden's birthday, I was so sad to have to leave that wren (and his family, they had nested in my strawberries that year). Carolina wrens are very common birds and it's pretty easy to attract them, so I had plans to put up feeders and houses until I got a breeding pair at our new house.

Then something amazing happened.

My husband called me at work the day after we moved in. He was crying and he said, "you won't believe what I found in the house." He told me he heard something and went to investigate and found a Carolina wren flying around the house. He didn't have any idea how it got in and was able to take a picture. It still makes me cry to think of this. What are the chances of that happening twice in two different houses, right on the days when I really, really needed to have my baby with me?

So even if I don't believe in a God that watches over us and has "a plan", I do believe in miracles. And I believe my son is out there, bringing smiles to his mommy just like his big sister does.

That look

2011-03-07T23:16:00.000-08:00

I know that look.

You see a baby in a stroller, in a cart, in someone's arms. You look, even though you know you shouldn't. Your head follows the baby. You never notice if the parents are nervous, all you see is the baby.

Maybe you are thinking he/she might look like that. Maybe you are thinking that it's just not fair. Maybe you are thinking, that will never be me.

But the look is the same.

The half smile, the distant look, the wince of deep pain.

It never gets better. It never gets easier. If you are lucky you have someone standing next to you that knows that look and will hold you while you cry.

Note to self: Do not watch movies with barren women in them when drinking your way through a horrible period.

I feel like such a selfish bitch. I'm staying up late to keep an eye on my sick daughter. That WAS me with the adorable baby in a sling that you saw in the store. I'm sure I caused my share of jealous glances. But I still want more. I want the son I was expecting too.

I finished Julie and Julia, despite the sobbing. It was a cute movie. Now I'm going to sleep on the couch so I will hear if K gets sick again. The poor thing is sleeping upright in the recliner to control the horrible cough she has.

Good night, my lovely readers. If you know that look, I hope you won't know it for long.

Trying one more time

2011-03-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

I still haven't heard anything from the foster adoption agency. The longer this is taking, the harder I find it to keep my nerve. I am very nervous about taking a child that will likely have severe emotional issues into our home. Above all else, I want my daughter to be safe. I don't want her to feel like she has to lock her bedroom door to keep her siblings from harming her. It's not that I think all kids that have been abused will be monsters (what would that make me?), it's just that I always think of the worst case scenario. I'm trying to have faith that I will be able to protect my daughter and any future children. I guess my biggest fear is making a mistake and further hurting an already very hurt child. Despite my fears, though, I find myself getting excited about the thought of parenting a teen.

But I still desperately want one last chance at an infant. I really don't care if it comes from my body, I would actually prefer not deliberately adding to the population burden on our planet. But. It's cheaper to grow a baby. Private adoptions are expensive and sometimes ethically questionable. We could get an infant if we were willing to foster but my husband won't budge on that. So it is back to me and my stupid, malfunctioning body.

I have been bleeding continuously since the end of November. Sometimes it will stop for a day or two but never longer than that. This is despite taking birth control for the last 3 1/2 months without taking the sugar pills. My doctor is giving me another, higher dose pill but doesn't want me on it for more than a month. I'm guessing the risk of blood clots and such is higher with the higher doses. So even if I wasn't trying to get pregnant again I think I would be taking this step. I have an appointment for an RE at the end of April. I figured he works with fucked up hormones all the time. He should at least be able to GET THIS FUCKING BLEEDING TO STOP. If I get knocked up along the way - hallelujah.

For today I am going to get cozy with a bottle of wine and my heating pad. I'll be busy telling the endo to fuck off.

I'm not holding my breath on the baby front. And I'm nearly certain a pregnancy wouldn't change my adoption plans at this point. I have invested a lot of time, thought and research into this option and despite my fears, it feels right. I will just have to be very, very careful that I don't end up causing a child we match with to think that we won't want him or her anymore if we happen to get a baby.

Recipe!

2011-02-28T19:09:00.000-08:00

I've really gotten tired of not having anything else to talk about but death and sadness and frustration. I do have some bright spots in my life. I just never get much time to talk about them here. But today! I made something delicious and thought I would share. It was very tasty, and I was very hungry, so this is the only picture I thought to take:

Oven roasted green beans with feta and almonds

- I don't use measurements so you'll have to wing it.

Ingredients:

One clove garlic- cut in half
Extra virgin olive oil
Fresh green beans (or your favorite vegetable)
Sea salt
Feta cheese
Sliced almonds
Lemon juice

Directions:

Take the garlic and rub the bottom of a shallow casserole dish with a close fitting lid.

Drizzle olive oil in the dish until the bottom is lightly coated.

Place green beans in dish in a single layer and stir to coat with oil.

Sprinkle green beans with sea salt to taste.

Bake in 400F oven 15-20 minutes until tender (make sure the lid is on).

Take out of oven and sprinkle with crumbled feta cheese and sliced almonds.

Place uncovered dish back in oven and broil for 3-4 minutes until the almonds are lightly browned.

Remove from oven, let cool a few minutes then sprinkle with lemon juice.

Eat slowly and don't let anyone see you lick the plate.

Another stall

2011-02-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

So. We took the MAPP classes in August. We turned in our application in November. We were told it took 3 months to COMPLETE a home study. It is nearly March. We have not even been assigned a case worker. They are now saying by the end of March we will "hear" from someone. I'm so freaking frustrated! On the one hand I realize that a few months one way or the other doesn't make all that much difference. On the other hand - we moved with the purpose of adopting in mind. We can afford the house we moved into, but it severely cut into our savings. If we are not going to get a chance at a placement this year (I know - it's early) then we are wasting all the money on this huge house with 2 empty bedrooms. I keep the doors closed. It's really hard to look in those rooms and see how very empty they are - the equivalent of an empty nursery, for me.

I hope this gets going soon. I am driving myself crazy over here.

Activism

2011-02-18T20:55:00.000-08:00

Planned Parenthood is under attack. I fail to understand how the religious right thinks that denying basic medical care to women will prevent abortions. It boggles the mind. If you care about this, please go here and sign the petition.

I'm going one step further. I am sending my story to congress. I want them to know that this issue is not black and white. I want them to know the level of suffering they are inflicting on families in their blind zealousness. Below is a letter I wrote, please let me know what you think. I can't help but get angry whenever abortion issues surface but I don't want my letter to be too combative.

I won't be sending this letter as an argument against the attack on Planned Parenthood, I don't want to cloud the issue because they are attacking basic medical care, not strictly abortions. But I do want this to be read and considered as this debate seems to be heating up more and more recently.

Letter to Congress

Dear Madams and Sirs,

I want to share my story with you in the hopes that you will think about families like mine when considering abortion legislation.

Most people in the abortion debate are thinking of careless teens that use abortion as a form of back-up birth control when their carelessness gets them into trouble. This may be an accurate picture of some of the women using abortion services, but it is by no means an encompassing one. Many advocates of strict abortion laws are willing to allow exceptions in the cases of rape, incest, or threat to the life of the mother, but I believe these “exceptions” are often too limited to the most extreme of circumstances. It is easy for people not personally invested in the outcome to make abortion a black and white issue. It is not.

I do believe that ending the life of an unborn child for a purely selfish reason is amoral and a terrible waste. I also believe that it is not my right or responsibility to determine what constitutes a selfish reason in someone else’s life. Is it selfish for an abused teenager to try anything to avoid worse abuse? Is it selfish for a mother of 6 to want to avoid another mouth to feed and the threat of homelessness or starvation?

Just before Christmas in 2009 I was faced with an excruciating choice. The baby that I had wanted so badly for years, the one I took multiple medications with terrible side effects to conceive, developed with multiple, severe anomalies. I had no idea anything was wrong. I declined the first trimester testing and the quad screen showed no elevated risk. I went to my 20 week ultrasound expecting nothing worse than an uncooperative baby that wouldn’t allow us to determine the sex. I knew when they started the ultrasound that something was wrong. I knew fluid showed up as black and the baby’s brain was two large black ovals. I said nothing and hoped I just didn’t know what I was looking at. The doctor was quick to dash those hopes. We didn’t know until a few days later, but our baby was missing a large part of the second chromosome. He had so many problems that it took three visits to see them all. He had fluid on the brain. His brain was missing the membrane that separates the hemispheres and it was being squeezed into his spinal cord. He had bilateral (both sides) cleft lip and palate. He either had no stomach or his esophagus did not connect to the stomach. He had spina bifida and was already paralyzed from the waist down. His hands were clenched, indicating severe neurological damage. His heart had 3 major defects. His kidneys were enlarged. His legs were twisted.

No one would tell us for sure if he would live. They all said the outlook was “extremely grim”. The last specialist we saw said that there was a chance he would live on his own if he made it to term, but he would require several immediate surgeries. He would likely never eat, hear, see, move, or speak. He would certainly require several surgeries immediately after birth. He would likely require many, many surgeries after that to alleviate suffering. He would likely not live long and could be in severe pain the entire time, with no ability to communicate.

We thought about trying to carry to term and letting nature take its course, even though there was some risk to my health, but we were told that we would not be allowed to refuse medical treatment once he was born. If his heart was strong enough to keep going on its own the doctors would likely go to court to get an order for the spina bifida, cleft palate, and esophagus to be repaired. We wanted to give our son a chance at life, but not if the life would be nothing but suffering with no chance of any kind of communication. In the end, though it tore us apart, we decided to prevent that level of suffering. When I was struggling with the decision I asked myself what my reasons were for wanting to continue the pregnancy. I wanted to be sure I was basing my decision solely on the welfare of my child. When I thought about how many surgeries he had in store for him, and how painful some of his defects were, I became physically ill at the thought of forcing a helpless little baby into that situation. It was then I realized that my only reason for continuing my pregnancy was purely selfish. I wanted my baby. I wanted to hold him for however long he was breathing. I wanted to give him a bath and sing to him and do all the things I had done for his big sister. But we realized that we had to let him go in peace.

We had two days to make this decision. The local Catholic hospital would not consider our son’s defects as incompatible with life and therefore would not allow an early induction. As I said, there was a small chance he could live, with extensive intervention. Our state does not allow abortion after 24 weeks and the only doctor willing to perform the procedure was leaving town for Christmas. He would not be back until after the 24 week mark. A secret abortion, paid for in cash, was our only option. We went to the doctor’s office after hours and had our baby’s heart injected with potassium chloride. He died quickly with relatively little pain and we were able to show up at the hospital and labor and be treated as grieving parents instead of criminals. I was able to hold my son and get his footprints, which would not have happened at an abortion clinic.

This was the hardest, most heart wrenching decision I have ever had to make. I live daily with the pain of losing my son. It is made worse by the continuous bombardment of stories in the media about people that will never have to make this choice who want to restrict the options even further.

If you are completely against abortion I want you to look a mother in the eye who has just been given the news we got and tell her that she is on her own. I want you to tell her that you care more about the fact that her baby’s heart is beating than whether or not he will be in pain. I want you to say to her that not only will you not help her pay for the hundreds of thousands in medical bills; you will also not provide respite care for her when she is sick and unable to care for an unresponsive infant.

If you think you can write restrictive laws that don’t cause families in our situation such anguish, you are wrong. Abortion is not a simple right or wrong issue. You can allow abortion services to all, or you can deny them to all. And if you are on the side of denying them to all, I’d like to ask you – how many special needs children have you adopted or supported? How many times have you voted to increase Medicaid, Social Security disability, or funding for agencies that help families with disabled children?

Until you are willing to provide for every woman in trouble, every unwanted child, and every ill child, you have no right to say what I or anyone else can do with their body.

regeneration

2011-02-18T06:07:00.000-08:00

It is finally starting to look like spring around here (one of the few advantages of a tropical climate - early spring) so my spirits are lifting a little. I have some seeds started for my vegetable garden and one raised bed waiting for soil. I have some hope that this will be a better year for us.

It's been driving me crazy that I haven't had much time to blog. Every since our system got attacked so badly at work IT is watching our usage. I'm pretty sure they would not consider blogging "reasonable and infrequent personal use." I get very little time to myself, something I really need to work hard to change, which makes it hard to blog at home. It is making everyone around here unhappy. Hopefully my garden will give me something to enjoy that I can escape to when I can't leave the house.

I am thinking I'm going to redesign my blog. I enjoy writing here and I want to make it a more comforting place, not so steeped in sadness. I was thinking of a spring theme, signifying new beginnings and regrowth. I've never liked the layout but I've never really had time to work on it, we'll see if I can carve some out.

Agh! Apparently not right now. K is home sick and I had her occupied on the other computer, but now she wants to play ponies. *sigh*

tired, sick and frustrated

2011-02-04T18:16:00.000-08:00

I have a nasty cold, which is hard right now because the hubby is also sick (conveniently more sick than I am)and it has been raining for days. Four year olds do not do well with this combination. Over all, though, she has actually been pretty good.

The frustration comes from not being able to help her with what she is going through right now. The neighborhood we lived in before we moved last month was pretty nice. The duplexes were small (which is why we moved) but nearly all of them had children about K's age. She was friends with several of them, and very close to one in particular. The week we decided to move so did the four neighbors nearest to us. Two families left to find work and one moved into a newly built house, the forth was some young guy we didn't know. Since we were only close to one of these families there is no chance she will see the two boys she liked again. Her best friend moved to a town about 6 hours away. It's not all that far to drive but really not doable with our current finances. We simply cannot afford the gas, let alone a place to stay. It's breaking my heart having to tell her she can't see her friends again.

We moved into this house because it was the only reasonably nice one we could afford. In order to adopt a sibling group - the only likely way to get children younger than K, we needed a third bedroom. I was told verbally that the owner was okay with outside pets so we chose this place with the understanding we could get a dog. We already had an outdoor cat but he ran away as soon as he got outside. We haven't seen him since. As soon as we moved in the heater broke, or was already broken. It's a heat pump but the only thing working was the backup heat strips. Those are extremely expensive to run all the time. The owner didn't want to fix the heat but we insisted that it would cause us financial hardship. A few days later we tried to get a dog from the pound and the owner told the management company that he would not allow a dog.

So now my 4 year old daughter has no friends, no cat, and no chance at the puppy we stupidly told her we were going to get at the new house. I just don't know what to do. There are certainly worse problems to have but I hate that I can't fix her poor little broken heart.

Bleh. I can't wait for it to get warm. I am really disliking winter now. There is just nothing redeeming about the last two winters.

heart splitting open

2011-01-31T19:33:00.000-08:00

My little girl is a master staller. When she doesn't want to go to bed she knows exactly what to say or do to stretch out the time. One of her most used techniques - and the most successful - is to talk about baby Aiden. Usually I answer her questions, tell her I miss him too, and tuck her into bed. Tonight I just spent 10 minutes muffling sobs and trying to get through her songs.

I had told her she would always be my baby and she said she was a big girl. I told her I remembered her being my little baby. She asked if I remembered baby Aiden and I said "I do."

She burst into tears and wailed, I don't!

-She didn't see him when he was born and I wonder if we should have let her.

Then she told me baby Aiden would never grow up and have a mustache like daddy.

She cried some more and asked me why we couldn't have another baby.

Yea.

That sound is all the splinters of my heart dropping on the floor.

I hate that I can't fix this. I hate that I have to tell her over and over and over that her baby brother is dead and never coming back. And if that isn't bad enough, she may never get to be a sister to a live sibling.

And the stupid cat ran away when we moved and hasn't been seen in 10 days.

I have so much more to get into - the move into the bigger house for more kids and the stalled adoption, the increasing fertility (now health) issues that could very well be related to the damn oil spill, the stress of possible job loss and various other things - I just can't get the time. I'm tired and stressed and right now have a massive migraine. I think I'll take the computer to work tomorrow and write up some posts. I think it's the only way I'll get what I need written.

Ripples

2011-01-12T14:37:00.000-08:00

I am continually confounded by how many things in our every day lives were affected by our baby's death.

This morning I was crying about this post at Uppercase Woman. I've been reading her for years and feel so bad for the horrible decision she may have to make. It brought back a lot of the helplessness and rage I felt when we got Aiden's diagnosis. I was dwelling on that as I left my house this morning.

We're moving into our new, bigger house tomorrow. The house that we are getting so that we can adopt, because we didn't get the child we thought we would.

While trying to figure out our taxes I had to click past the 'add a dependent' link 3 fucking times.

I spent all day on the phone with the lawyer and the bank and the real estate broker and then the IRS, trying to figure out how the hell to claim the loss on the house that was taken in the bankruptcy. The bankruptcy we wouldn't have done if our baby had lived.

At the same time that I was stressing out about money and time and things that needed to be done I was thinking that we wouldn't be getting this fabulous new house if we had another mouth to feed (and higher daycare bills) right now. We may have even had to file bankruptcy anyway. We may actually be better off financially without the 8 month old I thought we would have by now.

It boggles the mind.

I found out today, when I was very stressed indeed, that my baby sister will not be coming to live in this area. Instead she is moving to Alaska. I have no hope of getting to Alaska and she may not get leave to come here. I am crushed by this news. She is the only family member I have left that is sane and not one of my abusers. I miss her horribly. I've seen her twice since my wedding in 2003 - once when I stayed with her for a week after losing my job and once when she came down here and stood with me to watch my son die. Less than happy, stress free visits. I wanted her here so badly. I don't have friends I can rely on when I have a bad day like this. I just wanted someone I loved to be near (other than my husband, of course).

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day.

Seriously, does anything work around here?

2011-01-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. I gave up on my stupid body figuring out what to do and went on continuous BC to "suppress" ovarian function AND I AM STILL FREAKING BLEEDING!!

WTF!

I know if I call my gyn she will prescribe something with more hormones, which will make the side effects worse. Great.

I am so damn frustrated with my body and dealing with all the medical crap. I'm also tired of the constant whining I do on here.

So here is plan, oh - I don't know, maybe H?

I am going to stay on this pill for now and go get a massage and acupuncture. I will try that for two months. If there is still this stupid spotting I'll try the stronger pills for one cycle. At that point, 3 months from now, I will go to the RE. I will be 35. That number pisses me off. So does the number 7. 7 years of trying to get pregnant on my own. Two pregnancies, one baby. Obviously I am not all that good at this.

All of this is contingent on what happens with the adoption stuff. We are finally being assigned a caseworker to do our home study. I know a foster parent with an adorable 2 month old that is likely to enter TPR (termination of parental rights) soon so I'm hoping I can get my home study completed in time to express an interest. My husband flat out refuses to consider legal risk so the chances of finding an infant are pretty slim. For the most part I'm okay with that because the adoption plan was never about getting an infant, it was about growing our family and something we always planned to do. That doesn't change my soul deep longing for another infant, though. I wish I could let that go; my life would be so much easier.

6 am January 1st, 2010

2010-12-31T23:38:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been a year.

Happy Birthday, my sweet little Wren. I wish you were here.

phistelkciuy

2010-12-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

I usually like to sum up how I feel or what my entry is about in a short title. This one represents my brain right now when I try to put how I feel into words.

For the last few days the emotion floating to the top most often is anger. Maybe anger is too light a word. Rage. Blinding, seething, burning rage. I remember in the early days there was this tremendous weight, this pressure to do something violent. It sat on my chest, heavy and hot, like heartburn but stronger. I wanted everyone else to hurt like I did. I wanted everyone to FEEL what I was feeling. These last few days that feeling has been creeping back. Not as strong as before, but definitely there.

I've been trying hard to keep so busy that I don't have time to think. It's been working a little too well. Everyone thinks I'm fine and they don't understand why I am being bitchy when I start to get overwhelmed. My husband actually asked me why I was in such a bad mood after I snapped at him the day before Christmas. I burst into tears and screamed at him that I had just lost my last chance for a baby in the year since Aiden died and that I didn't have my goddamn baby. I couldn't believe he couldn't figure that one out. I still can't. Why the hell would I be in a good mood right now?

My mother and sister haven't said anything but seem to be aware that I have good reason to be depressed right now. My idiot father gave me a very cheery "Merry Christmas!" over the phone the other day. I get that people don't associate the holidays with my baby dying. For the most part I don't mind. But my family should remember. I really don't think that's too much to ask.

We're packing up for our trip to the mountains. It will be just us and the manager. No one else wants to brave the cold. I'm grateful, since the idea was to be far away from any celebrating. The only bright spot is that my Aiden must have heard me and sent me some snow. The town we are going to had 6 inches on the ground and more on the way. I'm not sure I really believe anything answered my prayer, but its comforting to think it was him.

One of the things we packed was our son. I wasn't expecting this to hurt so badly. We should be bundling up a seven month old. Hell, if he was alive we wouldn't even be going on this trip. I had to pack my dead son's ashes instead.

Oh, God. I just want to hold him. I want to watch him sleeping and count his precious toes. I want to listen to his little baby grunts and play with his silky, downy baby hair. I want this pain to stop. I want to stop crying. I want to forget that I've been trying for children for seven years and only have one and a jar of ashes to show for it. (I hope everyone knows I am deeply grateful for my daughter - but it still hurts). Most of all, I want to stop hoping. It just hurts too much. I KNOW what I am missing and what it would take to get there. I just can't change the way things work. Sometimes it feels like it is killing me.

What good am I if I can't get through a day without pain pills? What good am I if I can't get my body to do what it was built to do? What good am I if I can't pull it together enough to love my husband? Or play with my daughter? Or grieve?

I have been drinking a lot (for me) the last few days. I can't say it's helping really, but it is easier to get through the nights. I hope this trip will alleviate some of this depression and not make it worse. The anger may be around for awhile. My sweet baby is gone and sprinkling his ashes on the snow is a really poor substitute.

I'm sorry about the stream of consciousness. I just really needed to get some of this out. Keeping so busy has meant neglecting my writing, the only therapy I have right now. It helps to write, even if it does sound like I'm about to jump off a bridge (I'm not).

I hope these days are easier on you, dear readers. May you find peace and comfort in the days ahead.

well, that's that

2010-12-21T07:39:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure it is now 11 dpo. My temp dropped to 98.2, my cover line was 98.6. The bleeding is heavier. Looks like I get to spend Christmas drunk after all.

We're doing our traditional solstice celebration tonight, but my heart is not in it. I hope my little girl doesn't notice.

I expected this, but I'm still sad - and so, so angry.

Now I get to go to work and listen to everyone's holiday plans and try not to burst into tears.

Up in the air

2010-12-18T17:44:00.000-08:00

I still don't know one way or the other.

I started taking progesterone again, about 3 days earlier than I was supposed to, hoping it would stop the spotting. It seemed to work for a couple of days and then I started spotting again yesterday. I took a test this morning - very negative. But since my temps are really unreliable I'm not sure if this is 8dpo or 10. Either way it may be way too early.

Today was much, much easier than I thought it would be. I spent most of it in a bad mood but that had more to do with thoughtless friends and cranky children that what day it was.

I can't believe it's been a year since we were told our son would die. Some days it feels like ten, some days it feels a couple of months.

Well, that was more like a 6 day wait.

2010-12-15T17:14:00.000-08:00

I'm spotting. Damn.it.

I tried so hard not to get hopeful. I had this ritual the last few days. Every time I went to the bathroom I would check for blood. When I didn't see any I would get this stupid grin and the thought, this might be it, would sneak into my head. I would give myself a stern lecture that it isn't very likely and then get on with my day.

I guess the stern talk didn't help. I am crushed. This was my last hope for hope before Aiden's birthday. I guess the fat lady is singing and that prescription for birth control will get filled after all.

I want to get drunk, but I won't, because there is still a very slim chance I'm pregnant. I bled with Aiden and was still pregnant. I was probably bleeding for a reason, but that doesn't keep me from stupidly hoping.

I hate this. I really, really hate this. I keep giving up and changing my mind. I want to leave that back door open for a miracle but it is killing me. I don't know if I can keep doing this.

My little girl just came over.

"Mommy, what's wrong?"

"I'm sad today, honey"

"Why?"

"I miss baby Aiden"

"I miss him too. He's not ever coming back. I want baby Aiden, Mommy."

"I know, me too."

She crawled in my lap and cried with me. I wish that made me feel better when she is being so sweet. Instead it just hurts more because I know what I'm missing. There should be more presents under the tree and a seven month old to entertain.

I have a feeling the next 3 weeks will just be hell, even though I'm running to the mountains.

Baby Aiden, if you can hear me, please send us some snow. We could use some joy right now.

I hate 2ww's

2010-12-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

Not really anything else to say right now, just making myself crazy waiting for the 18th. I'm really, really hoping I will get news that will make that day not so horrible to get through every year.

Coincidence? Or does the universe think it's funny?

2010-12-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

The last time I ovulated - In august, it was the exact same day I ovulated and conceived Aiden. I was terrified of having the same dates in a subsequent pregnancy so I skipped that cycle. I was so mad. How can someone with such fucked up and erratic cycles ovulate on the same day two years in a row?

Then when I didn't ovulate again I was sure that was my very last chance and I blew it. I still don't know if that is true or not. I'm only 2 or 3 DPO so I could start bleeding again any day. So far things are looking okay. Which brings me to the next coincidence. The first day I can test, at 12 dpo, is the same day that we found out our son was dying last year. On the one hand, a positive pregnancy test - one that ends well - will probably do a lot to heal the wound caused on that day. But on the other hand, if it's negative, it's just another reason for that day to suck. And Christmas and New Year's will be that much harder.

God, I wish this was easier. I wish I could wake up, safely in 2011, with a positive test in my hand and this horrible year behind me.

To everyone that is also having a hard time this holiday season - peace and love healing to you.

It's about freaking time!

2010-12-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

Finally - for the first time in 3 months, I have a positive OPK. Apparently my body just wanted a really long ramp up to the event. I think taking home a prescription for birth control might have done the trick :)

Here's really, really hoping.

finally alone

2010-12-06T13:34:00.001-08:00

I have been trying for a very long time (months) to get some alone time. I need quiet and time to write. That is in very short supply around here. The holidays are hard, but not as bad as I feared. I find myself cheering up from where I was a couple of weeks ago. My little girl's enthusiasm is contagious. I find it easier to be happy for her than I thought I would.

I wish I knew what my body was doing. We should come with troubleshooting guides or something. I have finally stopped the constant bleeding, but I don't know what is going on with my cycle (can you really call it that if it is never the same twice?).

My last three bouts of heavy bleeding and horrible cramps were all 2 weeks apart. So that's three periods in 6 weeks. The last one was on November 20th, which would make this CD16. I started cramping this past Thursday and got very sore in the uterus regions. This normally means I'm about to have a period or about to ovulate. However, there hasn't been so much as a dot of blood, no fertile CM (I always get lots) and VERY negative OPK's. Now the soreness is concentrated on one side as if I ovulated and now have a cyst. WTF?!

I have no idea what is going on. I've started combining OPKs and OPTs in the hopes that something will pop up and tell me what's happening in there (Are you listening, uterus? I'll even take a prophetic dream). If it weren't for other factors I would just wait and see, but I can't.

I hurt my knee at work a couple of months ago and the doc wants an MRI. I don't want to get one if I'm 2 days pregnant but if I wait until I'm sure I'm not, it could be the end of January. Unless I just stop having sex and test in two weeks. I'm not willing to do that though, because every time I decide to skip a cycle it is months before I get another chance. The knee needs to get treated as soon as possible because I will be traveling frequently come February. There isn't anyone who can take over for me if I'm out for knee surgery.

Why, oh why can't I have one problem at a time?

*Sigh* At least right now it is merely frustrating, I'll take that over last year any damn day.

A bunch of little things

2010-11-24T19:22:00.000-08:00

The biopsy was "normal" whatever that means. Nothing glaring to explain why I just won't stop bleeding so the next step is to try Lupron, provided my insurance can be convinced that it is necessary. If all else fails I will donate blood and then get a blood panel done - being severely anemic should get them to do something.

I find myself feeling horribly guilty for reporting the guy at work. I feel guilty that I never confronted him myself and guilty for stirring up trouble. Even though I know I HAD to do this, even though he has gotten away with his behavior for far too long, I still feel like I did something wrong. I hate that about myself. I'm so much the people pleaser that everything is always my fault. I wish I could change that about myself but at least this time I was able to ignore that little voice long enough to protect myself. Now if I could just be brave enough to not hide in my office.

I keep hurting myself. First my back and now my knee. I think I may have torn the meniscus. It was hurting constantly but not intensely for the last two months. I finally went back to the doctor and started physical therapy and now it hurts much worse, but not as often. If I keep this up I'm going to have 3 different surgeries to choose from next year, and no sick leave at work.

Speaking of sick leave. I have decided (for now) to apply for a job in my agency that will be a significant raise and full state benefits. It's a job I am pretty sure I won't enjoy but I'm thinking in the long run I will be happier. More money is the only possible way of growing our family and that is what I want most of all. I think I can take a job that I don't love for a couple of years for that. I hope I can, anyway. I'm really putting the cart before the horse worrying about this because the competition will be fierce, but I can't help it. I'm good at worrying.

So - all this and we're coming up to the one year anniversary of the worst month of my entire life. I'm finding it hard to think happy thoughts right now. I think I need to go back to counseling, at least until after the New Year. Yea. More appointments. Super.

A little wine and a little whine

2010-11-18T21:16:00.000-08:00

I had a shitty day. Feeling a little better now, buzzed on wine.

My 62 year old co-worker, who is a dirty old man, finally pushed me too far today. I went to our supervisor and complained about his harassment. My supervisor (who is also male) asked if I wanted to file a formal sexual harassment complaint and I said no. I told him I would if this guy continues his behavior after our supervisor speaks to him. I am absolutely furious that I had to deal with this shit today. I shouldn't have to stand up for myself. This man has been working there for 30 years and everyone knows damn good and well how he treats women, especially young women. He should have been fired years ago. What he did today wasn't anything especially bad - it was his typical commenting on my clothes and my body and then touching me (on the shoulder - but still),for some reason today I had just had enough. It helped that several of my other male co-workers witnessed the incident and were appalled that he would behave that way.

I was so angry I was shaking and on the verge of tears. I'm mad at myself that I've never been able to tell him to leave me alone and not touch me, but my past with men has taught me not to fight back. Even today I didn't say anything directly to him; I doubt he even knows I'm mad at him. I'm hoping this doesn't cause huge problems at work. I don't think my job is at risk since I have so many witnesses, but it says a lot about how this country and this field works that the thought has crossed my mind. I should not have to fight to be treated like a human being and not a walking pair of huge tits. I HATE THAT DIRTY OLD MAN!!

I am really too buzzed for coherent typing right now (thank god for spell check) so I will fill everyone in on the fallout as it happens. Also - I should get my biopsy results tomorrow. I REALLY did not need this shit today.

tiny feet

2010-11-17T20:44:00.000-08:00

When I had the 20 week ultrasound with my daughter I was only excited to see the little being I had been feeling for weeks. In the waiting room I joked that she thought my full bladder made a great trampoline. It never once occurred to me that something could be wrong. The worst I was thinking was that she would be stubborn and we wouldn't see the sex. The most magical part of the ultrasound, and the best picture, was when she pressed both tiny feet against my stomach, as if she wanted to show me how perfect and tiny and cute they were. I literally gasped in wonder and cried. I still have that picture and treasure it.

This experience made it especially painful when my second 20 week ultrasound was so drastically and tragically different. By the time I had my follow up scan just prior to the amnio, the baby was partially paralyzed. I remember laughing at the ultrasound tech trying to get a view of his feet. They were not easy to see and he couldn't move them so the tech pushed in with the device and jiggled my stomach hard, trying to knock them into another position. My whole stomach jiggled in a really unattractive way, and even in the midst of the worst thing to ever happen to me, I laughed. I don't know why they needed to see his feet when there was so much else wrong with him. They said they thought he had rocker-bottom feet, which can be another indication of chromosomal damage. It hardly mattered with all his other problems, but I was very disappointed that I couldn't see his feet. I think I was more upset because I was thinking they were deformed and I couldn't have even that little piece of wonder in all the horribleness.

*** Warning - really graphic description of a dead baby - skip this paragraph if you need to ****

When Aiden was born I wanted badly to hold him, but at the same time I was very afraid to see him. I will be forever grateful to the nurse who helped deliver him. As soon as the doctor removed the placenta the nurse told me that I had a beautiful baby. I knew it wasn't true, not in the traditional sense, but it helped that she didn't think he was a monster. When they finally brought him to me I did the same thing I did with my daughter - I immediately undressed him. I couldn't take off his hat because his head was mostly fluid and I was afraid it would just come apart. I remember in my nightmares the way his overly large head flopped on his tiny little neck. For one horrified minute I thought I was going to break his neck. I tried to uncurl his poor little fingers but I couldn't. They were clenched tight to his palms, but they weren't grown into the skin like I had imagined. He had an adorable little pot belly, which I couldn't figure out, because they said he had no stomach. When I made my way down to his feet I just stopped breathing.

There in my palm, like a gift from a God I don't believe in, were two tiny, beautiful, perfectly formed feet. I felt guilty that this made me so happy. Would I have still loved him if he had deformed feet? Silly question, but I still felt like being happy about that made the rest of his body, in it's pitiful brokenness, somehow less. But I've held on to that image of those perfect feet. It's what I see when I think of my son and the only picture I can look at.

All of this was brought back tonight by my stupid idea to read "My sister's keeper" If I had known what a horrible ending that book had, I never would have read it. But the end got me thinking about my Aiden, and how long it's been since I looked at his pictures. I wondered if I could still remember what he looked like. I can, mostly. But still all I really see are his perfect feet.

The thing I can't remember, the thing that hurts right now, is how small those feet were in my hand. I wish I had gotten a picture of his feet resting in my palm. I have prints, but somehow it just isn't the same. Maybe one day I will try to make a cast from the prints I have.

Some things are just not funny

2010-11-15T18:48:00.000-08:00

This is a post by Princess Jo that I think everyone should read. This subject is very, very important and I think we should all be aware of how our words can wound. Please stop by and read it.

Ironically, I had an experience with another type of thoughtless joke today - not nearly as bad, but still painful.

I think even without the dead baby hovering just over my heart, today would have been hard. I'd like to say up front that I'm not angry or upset with anyone. Maybe the universe, because I am angry and upset. The guy in this story didn't mean anything; he just thought he was being funny. Unfortunately he picked a very bad joke with exactly the wrong person.

I had to go to an occupational health clinic today to get my knee checked. I twisted it falling into a damn gofer hole out in the field and am now dealing with worker's comp. The doctor was funny and indignant that I hadn't been treated 2 months ago. He kept joking around and was very upbeat. The problem came after he looked at my x-ray. He said I already have arthritis in that knee (at 34 - fantastic), then he said this:

"There are no fractures, but you're pregnant."

For one tenth of a second I had this physical feeling that shot from my chest through my whole body. I think it was an even mix of wild hope and terror. Then before I could say "WHAT!" I realized it was a joke. He took a picture of my damn knee. There was no way he could tell if I was pregnant, which was the point of the joke. It was all I could do not break down right then. He quickly realized he had said something wrong. He stopped smiling and said it was a joke. Then he said "you're not laughing." I only said no and looked away so I wouldn't cry. He kept talking about my knee and I tried to hold it together. A little while later he asked if I was mad at him. I told him no without any other explanation. I thought about telling him why that was such a bad joke but I found I didn't want him to feel like crap for upsetting me. He was a really nice guy that said a really dumb thing. That didn't stop me from calling my mom and sobbing to her on the phone all the way to work.

God. I hate that I can't handle stupid jokes anymore. I hate that the most innocent comment or picture will ruin my whole day. I cannot imagine how my friends that have no living children can make it through even one day. I think I would have dug a deep, deep hole and never come out.

I just hope this shit gets better. I still feel like crying.

No polyps or fibroids

2010-11-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

So no reason for the sudden onset of constant bleeding and horrible cramps. Crap.

I don't get the biopsy results until next week but I'm already working on part B of my plan. Since there is nothing obvious to fix I am going to try rebooting. I'm going to ask my doc to do a round of Lupron, which the damn insurance should cover because I have endo, and hope it resets everything. Unfortunately I can't get in to see her until December. Damn holidays!

Enough about my pity party, someone really needs some support -
Please stop by and give my friend B some hugs. She is in a really scary spot right now.

The deck is not stacked against me . . .

2010-11-11T15:49:00.000-08:00

because the universe never gave me any cards to begin with.

I'm sad and angry. I want the whole world to go away today.

My biopsy went better than expected. It hurt a lot, but not nearly as bad as I feared. I wasn't really told anything because my doctor wants to look through the pictures first. The sonographer did say it looked like I had a mildly bicornate uterus. How that was missed during two pregnancies, I'm not sure, but I'll ask about it at my follow up. There's my seventh(?) risk factor for infertility. Yay.

The bad part of the day was the other appointment. I had a really bad night on Tuesday because my sciatic pain flared up on the way home. I could barely hold the gas pedal down and by the time I got home I was in AGONY. I decided to try the neurosurgeon my doctor tried to refer me to after my MRI. I don't want to see him because I don't think it will do any good, but my doctor is not willing to treat my pain. That PISSES ME OFF. It costs twice as much to see a specialist and they are also not willing to treat chronic pain without a shit load of useless tests and procedures. I don't have many options because I cannot handle that level of pain. I don't need pain meds every day, but at least once a week it gets unbearable. So I went to my regular doc in hopes of getting a small pain med prescription before I see the surgeon and to ask him about getting a breast reduction. He immediately said that wouldn't help my lower back (I think that's bullshit, my lower back is connected to my upper back) and definitely didn't give me the impression that he would fight the insurance if I really wanted one. He told me twice that he wouldn't do pain management (I know that, asshole) and ignored my objections about taking muscle relaxers all the time.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of getting the runaround from doctors and being prescribed things I can't afford, and then being treated as a drug seeker when I don't do what they told me because IT WONT HELP AND I CAN'T PAY FOR IT!!!

God - I'm so angry. I hate my body. I just don't want to be in this useless broken shell anymore. I want to play with daughter without having to lie down. I want to come home without a headache, enjoy the two hours I have with my daughter, and be able to stay up long enough to spend some time with my husband. I wish I could find a doctor that would listen to me, and work with me, and not pawn me off on someone else. Or - as long as I'm wishing for the impossible - I wish I had a pool and the ability to get a massage every week and go to yoga classes, since that would probably be much more effective.

Whoever said that money can't buy happiness never had to live with infertility and chronic pain with this country's broken health care system.

Bleh. Today is a good day for wine. Lots and lots of wine. And chocolate.

It's nice to have a doctor in the house

2010-11-09T20:43:00.000-08:00

I called my sister because I've been getting more and more freaked out about this test on Thursday. She is OB but not GYN (weird, right?) so she didn't have a lot of details, but she was able to tell me exactly how much it would hurt and how long. She also reassured me that polyps and fibroids are not as scary as I thought. I think I can handle a D&C and who knows, maybe that will fix things long enough to get pregnant. If nothing else, I'll have lots of information to give the fertility specialist.

So that brings me to my current dilemma: breast reduction or fertility treatment or both? I just can't decide. I would hate to give a baby formula(after my friend's baby died I REALLY don't trust food manufacturers) but many babies do just fine on it and it would be SO NICE to not be in constant pain. Then there is the recovery - does anyone know how painful it is to go from a 34 L to a 34 C? I'm betting very.

If anyone has advice about breast reductions, please chime in. I am very torn.

I'll update on Thursday or whenever I get the biopsy results back.

very worried

2010-11-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have my saline ultrasound and endometrial biopsy on Thursday. I am getting really, really worried. There is obviously something very wrong. For the last two months I've been bleeding more often than not, frequently heavily, and accompanied by bad cramps that last several days. Even the progesterone only stopped the bleeding for a few days. After running this morning - which went great, by the way - I started cramping badly again and spotting.

I've never experienced anything like this. I'm hoping it is fibroids but not severe fibroids, so they can be removed and I'll get better. My husband asked me how I would feel if they tell me to get a hysterectomy. How can I answer that? I certainly won't be okay with it. Even if I was prepared to give up on ever having another baby, which I'm not, how can we manage me being out of work that long?

I have this habit of thinking the very worst thing will happen - that attitude of expecting the worst and hoping for the best, without the hoping part. I'd like to say I'm just a worrier but life has proved to me that expecting the worst is often the best way to go. Then I'm not so surprised when things go badly.

Damn, I am tired of having something to worry about. I'm tired of this stupid body not working. I'm so, so sick of being in pain every day and sick of complaining about it. Please universe - just give me this. Don't take my uterus too.

Wish me luck

2010-11-05T19:41:00.000-07:00

The March of Dimes 5K is tomorrow and I am in awe of how much my family and friends donated. I really wasn't expecting much, everyone is having such a hard time right now. I was really, really touched that so many people contributed.

Hopefully I will do everyone proud and survive the race. I won't be running most of it. My brilliant self decided to make Kira laugh by standing on my head, and oh good god my neck hurts! Idiot! A three mile walk/run sounds like the perfect thing for a stupidity induced migraine. I think it will be well worth it though. I'll post a summary some time this weekend.

In other news - have you seen what Jenni is doing? It is such a wonderful idea and the perfect balm for what I'm sure will be the worst holiday season ever. Check out the link on my sidebar and participate if you can.

A thank you and some really cute pictures

2010-11-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

I can't express how touched I am that people I have never met in person have sponsored my walk for Aiden this Saturday. I wish I had something eloquent to say so that you know what it means to me. I know your donation will save someone's baby, and that you did that with my baby in mind gives his life some meaning. As a mother with not much to hold onto of her son, that is a great gift.

With that - here is the cutest baby jaguar ever -

In the first one we told her to smile. In the second one she wanted a picture of her curled up to "sleep". She loved the tail and was so excited, jumping around and growling at everyone. It was so freaking cute.

This is NOT fair.

2010-10-31T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am bleeding AGAIN. This is the third heavy and PAINFUL period in the last 6 weeks. They are coming exactly two weeks apart, without ovulation. What the hell is my body trying to do to me?

I'm beginning to suspect that I do have fibroids or polyps. I have never had anything like this happen before. It is starting to freak me out and I'm more than a little pissed. This is making Halloween pretty difficult but I'm very grateful it was this weekend and not next (hopefully). I'd be really angry if I couldn't walk for Aiden next week because of my idiot body.

I'm going to share a picture of my daughter in her costume soon. She was so incredibly cute. If you can't look, I understand. She is such a big part of my life that I can't leave her out of these pages, but I don't want to hurt anyone with constant reminders. I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday - Halloween has always been my favorite.

Hiding

2010-10-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

I've been hiding all week. I'm getting kind of sick of it. I knew this winter would be hard. I've started passing all the one year dates. One year since I found out I was pregnant has been and gone. My life has changed so fundamentally that it feels like much, much longer than a year. My relationship with my mother in law is completely destroyed. At the moment I have no desire to try to repair it. My faith that things can work out is gone. My belief in the basic goodness and kindness of most people is gone. Any comfort I had in my body is long, long gone.

This week has been pretty hard. I went to a three day professional conference in another town. I was really looking forward to the trip. I was stoked that I would get two uninterrupted nights of sleep and that I would get to go out and eat with some friends and not worry about much. Ha.

The very first thing that happened is that I sat down in the lobby across from a woman who looked about five months pregnant. Normally that just makes me a little sad, but I don't run away screaming. After all - that did work out for me once. Little did I know. As I was trying to ignore the conversation and congratulations, I hear her tell everyone her baby's name was Aiden. Fucking OW. I left. I went to my room and sobbed for an hour. I missed the only talk that evening and had to make up an excuse. The rest of the conference was spent worrying that I would hear that name again and get stuck listening to her talk about baby showers. There was another very pregnant woman there and I just couldn't seem to get away from them. In a conference with over 100 people, I ended up with them sitting very close to me at almost every talk I made it to.

Which brings me to today. Today is my office Halloween party. Last year at this party I hadn't told anyone but my boss that I was pregnant. There was a woman there who had what I thought was the coolest costume. She had glued a bunch of tentacles, eyes, and teeth to a white t-shirt that was stretched over her pregnant belly. There was red paint everywhere to make it look like a monster was bursting out of her stomach. Now I think that is morbid and gross but at the time I thought it was hilarious. I wanted so badly to tell everyone I was pregnant and do a cute costume like that, but I wasn't sure I was "safe" yet. I knew I couldn't go to that party this year and rather than try to make excuses, I just stayed home. I really do have a migraine but it normally wouldn't have stopped me from going to work.

We have plans to be gone during Christmas and New Years so I have more hiding to do. I've been really angry that all my dates have revolved around holidays but at the same time it gives me a great excuse to disappear. I wish I could just tell people - "I don't want to be happy today, my baby died" and have them understand and be sympathetic. But I don't trust that they will respond the way I need them to. The people that are supposed to love me and support me didn't - why should near strangers? So I'm hiding.

In other news - I haven't had a chance to post this and I'm kicking myself for it. I'm running the 5K for March of Dimes next week. I wanted to do something to help prevent what happened to us. More people should be aware that the standard dose of folic acid may not be enough so I am supporting the research that March of Dimes does to prevent birth defects like Aiden's. I put up a widget if anyway has some spare change to contribute. Well wishes are equally appreciated.

CD who the hell knows

2010-10-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY stopped bleeding, the day after taking the first progesterone. I really wish I had thought of that 3 freaking weeks ago. I can't wait to see if my blood count is low.

I was told not to do any um, activities, until after the antibiotic is finished and I get the ultrasound, just to make sure everything is cleared up. I'm sure that means I will ovulate next week and have a perfect 14 luteal phase, cause that's the way my body likes to do things. It is kind of nice to not worry about a cycle, though.

In other news - Adoption applications are DONE! I'm turning them in tomorrow. Woo hoo! I'm nervous, wish me luck.

That went well I suppose

2010-10-21T18:17:00.000-07:00

I love my doctor. She is always kind and never condescending. She remembers my background and doesn't talk down to me. That is so very rare.

Here's the game plan:
Progesterone to stop this ridiculous bleeding, and two antibiotics for one week in case the pain and bleeding are being caused by a bacterial infection. She took a culture but said the one she suspects is very hard to grow and might not show up.

I'm scheduled for a saline enhanced ultrasound and endometrial biopsy on the 11th. Sounds painful. She wants to check for polyps and fibroids and see what my lining is doing. I'm really grateful she is trying to do what she can for me in regards to fertility testing. Never once did she recommend birth control. She seems to have a good opinion of the one and only fertility specialist around here, so come January I may have new round of appointments and testing.

I find myself with very little hope that any of this will do any good. I'll be thrilled if I can have another baby but I just have a feeling it will never happen. Just like I had a feeling I would lose Aiden. I'm not super depressed because the adoption plan is coming along, at least we have a plan B. But I will always regret not getting a chance to hear that first little cry again.