Tuesday, December 11, 2012

December sucks in the land of dead babies

Up until last week I was not dwelling on the fears that this pregnancy will end horribly. All the tests we've done have shown a beautiful, healthy baby girl. It has been very reassuring, although uncomfortable, that she is also very, very active. I thought I was over the worst of the fears, and then December hit. I know this month sucks for any mom of a lost little one, just because there is so much focus on family and it's so easy to see what is missing. But when your loss actually occurred in December, well.

On the 18th, 3 years ago (how has it been so long!) we were told there was something very wrong. A short but absolutely agonizing 12 days later we had the test results and a terrible decision to make. I can't go through this month without reliving every awful moment and every conversation I had while sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. From the asshole doctor who told us to "just wait", to the nurse who said I had a beautiful baby, it is all still so crisp and raw and right. fucking. there.

I find myself imagining all the worst case scenarios I could still have with this pregnancy. I'm listening to my sad music playlist again for the first time in almost a year. I have started avoiding the baby sections again and I'm so glad no has thought of throwing a baby shower yet.

At the same time that I am trying to hold myself together, I find myself in the position of peacemaker in my home, trying desperately to keep everything from imploding until we can get through the damn holidays. I'm trying to insulate Sunshine from the worst of the stress because I don't want her to grow up dreading the holidays like I did. My husband recently commented how sad it was that he'd rather stay at work than come home. I asked him why he bothered coming back and he said he didn't know. I almost told him to just leave. I don't want him to go, but I can't help wondering if it would be easier without him to worry about as well. I keep thinking if we can get through the next three weeks we will be okay. The baby will live, Flower will settle down, Professor will realize what he needs to do to make things better. Please, please universe - just don't let this baby die. I don't think there will be enough pieces of me left to pick up this time, and sadly I seem to be the one in the best shape right now.


  1. It really really does. I so want to rip van winkle my way through this.