Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The scan was great, so why am I so sad?

Baby looked perfect. Feisty, big and healthy. The tech again spent the whole time chasing the baby and laughing because there was so much movement it was hard to get good measurements. I spent a few minutes quietly freaking out because I thought there was way too little amniotic fluid and she wasn't telling me. It wasn't until after the appointment that I remembered I had hydroamnios with Aiden because he couldn't swallow and process amniotic fluid. It underscored again how very different this pregnancy is.

Oh, by the way, the little dragon is a girl.

I have a confession to make. I'm disappointed with the gender. Don't think for a second that I don't want this baby, but in my deepest heart I think I was trying to replace Aiden. I know children aren't interchangeable. I can't really untangle all the feelings I have about this pregnancy but I'll try to explain.

I'm not good at explaining this so please don't be offended if you have a special needs child (or just don't read this). These are my thoughts and feelings about my pregnancy that failed, not about sick children in general.

Part of what really screwed me up when Aiden died is that I didn't ever mourn the son I had. I mourned the son who never really existed because I had this picture in my head of a healthy infant who would have eventually walked and talked and joined in our daily lives. I never imagined a shell of a child that may have lived for hours, days, or years, but never would have done any of the things that children do. I still think that if I had any way of knowing he wouldn't have been in pain, I would have done things differently, but I still wouldn't have lived the image in my head. It's really that image that I mourned, and that image I still clung to before I knew the gender of my little miracle. I hoped I still had a chance of making that dream come true and now I never will. I think this sadness is just continued mourning for the lost possibilities, not really disappointment.

I suppose I wasn't really trying to replace Aiden, just the dreams I had when I was pregnant with him. That thought makes me squirm inside because it feels too much like apathy towards the little life I held so briefly. I have forgotten much of that last pregnancy, out of a twisted kind of self-preservation. The good parts hurt too much to remember and the bad parts were so LOUD. Now I am left with what feels like a really awful dream and the fading feeling of being the mom of a little boy. He feels less real now and I hate that.

I don't know if this makes much sense. Maybe when I've had a little time to process this news I will feel different and be happier. Right now I just wish I had a healthy 2 year old running me ragged and driving his sisters nuts.

This fucking sucks. I haven't hurt like this in over a year and I should be happy.

6 comments:

  1. Jen- you should be however you are. Don't beat yourself up because you think you should feel a certain way. Everyone processes loss differently. There is no "right" way.

    Hang in there. Your daughter will allow you to dream of possibilities in a different way. Perhaps the very reason you are having a girl is so that Aidan doesn't get unintentionally replaced. I think you explained your feelings very well.

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  2. I'm so sorry things are so hard Jen :( I had a good friend who lost her baby girl at 20 weeks (after pPROMing at 19)and just found out she is having a baby boy. She feels much the same way you do- she said "I'm not sad I'm having a boy, but I have to face that I'm not resuming from pause my pregnancy with my daughter". I thought that makes sense, in a sad way all mom's who lose a baby in pregnancy are trying to recapture that pregnancy-- the bliss, the ignorance, the dreams of the baby promised and lost. You're not alone. It's ok to feel robbed of a son when given a daughter- it doesn't mean you won't (and don't) love her
    And congrats on a wiggly little girl :)

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  3. I get you with the gender disappointment. Oh I get it. Don't apologise for how you feel.
    xo

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  4. I completely understand your feelings and had them too in my subsequent pregnancy. I had a hard time with the fact that he was a boy, because I so badly wanted to replace that possibility of a daughter. It got better with time, and now I can't imagine it any other way of course. But I'm newly pregnant again and still hoping for that girl. <3

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  5. "I have to face that I'm not resuming from pause my pregnancy with my daughter"

    That's it exactly. Thanks, ladies, for understanding. It took me a few hours to realize I just missed my little boy. I want them both. It doesn't mean I love this little miracle any less, it just means that I am being forced to accept that my little boy is really, truly gone. Apparently the last 2.5 years without him hasn't been enough to convince me.

    As always, thanks for the support.

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  6. I didn't even know what baby I lost, and I STILL found it hard to accept that I was having a different pregnancy, a different baby.

    I understand. Sending love xxxxx

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