Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Biological family dilemma

The pregnancy is still really miserable. Really intense morning sickness has been taken over by really intense migraines. I was expecting that because I had them daily with my daughter. It still sucks hairy monkey balls to go through it again. I'm hoping the blood pressure medicine they have me on will help but it makes me really, really nervous to be on so many medicines while pregnant. I hope this little one has good kidneys.

Anyway - on to the real topic.

I haven't posted much on here about our new daughter, mostly because I just don't have much time and this whole baby thing really threw me for a loop. Having a teenager in the house that has a whole life prior to meeting us has been interesting to say the least. I'm still learning all her likes and dislikes and what sets her off. I daily struggle with trying to identify where something is coming from when I just can't understand her behavior. Overall she is a really good kid who has come through 9 years of foster care and losing her entire family amazingly well. I admire her stength but worry that what looks like coping is actually avoiding dealing with things. Only time will tell.

So - for the current major dilemma. M is 15 and when she was removed she was the middle child of 5 children. The oldest ran away from the relative placement and aged out of foster care. The other 4 were adopted by an aunt and uncle (from the father's side) while M was sent back to foster care. M is very close to her siblings and hasn't seen any of them in 2 years, they live on the opposite side of the country from us. M's biological mother, the one who had parental rights terminated several years ago, lives in the same town we do. After M was adopted by us we told her she could have visits with her mom. My husband is not thrilled about this but understood that it was very important to M. I come from a very long history of adoption and I know first hand what it means to people to have a relationship with their birth families. We did a lot of questioning to make sure M's mom was not a danger to her. She was never abusive that we know of, it just seems like she chose to stay with the wrong man and made a series of really bad decisions that were compounded by poverty. I don't think M would have the chances in life with her first mom that she will with us, but I also don't think her mom is a bad person of a bad influence. I would be fine with her having a major role in M's life. My husband is not. He tolerates taking M to visit her but doesn't want her over here. That is a problem now because M's older brother, who she adores, just moved back in with their mom. M wants to spend as much time as possible with her brother, which is hard with our schedules if they can't come over here.

I know I will have to back my husband up on this and not let the birth family come to our home, but I will hate like hell when I have to tell M that. I know she won't understand and will be very angry. It's going to be really hard to explain to her when I don't agree with how my husband feels. I don't even really know what to say to her other than we just aren't comfortable (which feels kind of like lying) or just letting my husband explain. I can see that going well.

Anyway - if anyone has some thoughts on how to tell her that her other family can't visit here, I'm all ears. I really don't know what to say.


  1. Your job as her forever family is to keep her safe. As she knows relations and trust take a long time I build and that is true for you and Hubby and her Bio family as it is for her and you. And in the end she will love you for setting boundaries and limits because it makes her safe.

    I'm sorry you are still feeling lousy. I have cronin head pain- would acupuncture help?

  2. Do you read "Love is Not Pie"? Lots of good open adoption stuff there. She might have some sound advise for you. Sometimes I think single parenting would be so much easier - no one to have to agree with! But then there are other times that I am soooo, so thankful I'm not doing it alone!