Monday, May 14, 2012

Adoption: the magic cure for infertility

Yep. I am “that woman”. You know the one. You always hear about her from some obnoxious busy body who heard about your adoption plans after fighting with infertility. The friend’s sister’s cousin that got pregnant after she adopted.

But I can’t do it halfway. I get knocked up THE VERY NEXT DAY.

I kid you not. The universe has one fucked up sense of humor. I feel like I should be apologizing.

What makes this doubly ironic is that last Thursday was Aiden’s due date, the second anniversary. That blows my mind. If life were fair I would have a 2 year old running around instead of a pretty wooden urn. But I also wouldn’t have the wonderful, amazing, and loving teenager I can now call my daughter.

I feel shocked. I feel guilty. I’m worried about money, heartache, disappointment, and hurting M. I’m worried this is a very bad time in our rocky marriage to add a helpless infant. What I am not is happy. I wanted this so badly and now that it’s here, I just don’t know quite what to make of it. I don’t want to undo it, but I’m not so sure now this was a good idea. Mostly I think I am sure I won’t get this last bit of happiness. I hope I am not as prophetic as last time. Then I was sure I didn’t deserve happiness – and look what happened.

I went for my first beta today and start prometrium tonight. I am expecting many things – no heartbeat, an ectopic, or a long drawn-out shop of horrors like last time. I can’t wrap my mind around the possibility it might actually work. At the same time I can’t seem to stop trying to MAKE it work.

Unfortunately I am still having the near continuous spotting I’ve been dealing with for almost 4 years. I hope the prometrium works as well as it did last time, as long as I’m not continuing a pregnancy that never should have made it past fertilization.

This is going to be a really long damn 9 months. I reserve the right to smack my mother in law if she says I told you so.

12 comments:

  1. wow, here to hold your hand through this. much love and congratulations to you

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  2. I would like like a living urban legend, too. Good thoughts as this unfolds. One day at a time after all. I am hopeful that you will be able to smack your MIL for being right, too.

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  3. oh my! I know this is kinda freaky for you right now so I am gonna be super excited FOR you! YIPPEEEEEEEEEE! congratulations!

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  4. Oh wow. I truly am really happy for you. But I can only imagine the thoughts that are swirling around in your head.
    Sending you so much love and luck. Embrace all the good things that come your way, you have been through so much and you deserve this.
    xo

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  5. Oh love. Wow. Even I've needed a little sit down after reading this, heavens knows how you must be feeling. Smacking rights are granted. Like Hope's Mama, sending love and luck xo

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  6. wow that's quite something. Nothing like being the apocryphal story yourself! fingers crossed.

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  7. OMG! What a whirlwind for you! But I am thinking of you and sending you peaceful, loving thoughts as you navigate these waters--you'll be great. You can do it. Lots of love. I agree with Sally 100%--you deserve every happiness!
    xoxo

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  8. Oh goodness. I had to read this 3 times.

    Sweetheart, you are on a journey! I am here cheering you on and ready to support you in whatever happens. You are an amazing woman who deserves to be overcome with happiness!

    (((hugs))) You are in my thoughts (((more hugs)))

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  9. Oh, wow. Congratulations! I know it's really complicated, though.

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  10. Wow, wow, wow! Congratulations!! Sending you lots of good vibes for the journey ahead.

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  11. WHOA!!!! and WOW!!!!! Congrats!!! You must be exhausted from all the emotions, fears and worries swirling around. (((HUGS)))

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  12. OMG Jenn this must be messing with your head so badly.

    Everything is crossed for you.

    I somehow managed to fail to message you on Aiden Wren's due date but have been thinking of you a lot these last few weeks xxx

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