Saturday, December 10, 2011

What I wish I could say

Please don't say Merry Christmas. I can see you don't remember that this time of year is very hard on me. I know I look happy. I know I look fine to you, but I'm not. People that are fine don't break into hysterical sobs for no good reason in the middle of singing a Christmas song. People that are fine don't spend a significant portion of every day remembering in vivid detail watching a very tiny child die. So don't pass on your cheer and ignore the gaping hole I will always have in my life. It doesn't matter how many children I add to my family, there will always be one missing. If you can't understand that, or can't take the time to remember, then I don't want your well wishes. And yes, I have made a new year's resolution - it's to not kill any more children. I hope to God I can fulfill it.


  1. I sometimes wish we could skip Christmas all together.

  2. I'm so sorry. This is a time of year that I hope passes quickly for you and that you find some new moments of joy that come your way. There are no words for what it means to you and I can hope at lesser that you don't encounter insensitive assholes to boot. My thoughts are with you.

  3. I'm thinking of you so much. With me at least it'd happened a month before christmas. But it was all at the same time for you. sending so much love xxx