Sunday, December 4, 2011

Not doing well with the grateful part today

I've tried hard not to complain about this because it feels like fate might decide I don't deserve/want/appreciate the incredible gifts I have, but some days it is so very hard to be grateful. I know most of my readers still have infants if they've been lucky enough to have a rainbow baby so if complaining about children makes you mad, please feel free to skip this one!

I love my little girl. She's my miracle and so smart, funny, engaging, and cute, but she is so, so challenging. That's a polite way of saying she is a little hellion. She does not ever listen. She will run full tilt towards a speeding car with adults shrieking in terror and not even notice a problem until she gets tackled. Then she will cry that you "scared" her by freaking out and preventing imminent and messy death. I stupidly decided today to take her shopping with her new big sister for Christmas presents. We brought along my best friend, Aunt A, and my sister and her daughter. I guess the combination of seeing Aunt A, Aunt L, and Cousin A was a little too exciting for her little brain. She just would. not. stop.

I am frustrated, tired, hurting and just plain pissed off. I hurt her twice by grabbing too hard or yanking too hard (both times when she was running away from me towards busy roads) because I was using all my self restraint to keep from giving her a good hard whack on the butt. It was enough that she noticed and whined but not enough that she was actually hurt. I'm still ashamed I lost my cool that badly, though. I absolutely do not believe in corporal punishment, and I'm not allowed to use it with foster children such as M, but I'm telling you, some days it's hard to remember to be kind.

I hurt my back because I ended up having to carry her through the busy parking lots because she wouldn't hold my hand. I'm really hoping it didn't upset M seeing me so mad. I feel guilty for losing it but at the same time just plain mad that K will never listen. I don't understand what goes on in her mind that she doesn't use any common sense whatsoever. I'm tired of the looks and comments that people make because they assume I don't discipline her and that's why she's so wild. I'm tired of people suggesting I should medicate her. I just want someone to explain to me how to reach her, or at least understand where she's coming from.

I am grateful, but I'm one tired and frustrated momma tonight. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. I'm off to find my motrin now that she's finally asleep (in my room!) and try to relax some more.

I hope everyone else that is shopping is having a less stressful time of it. I am sticking with cyber shopping from now on!

2 comments:

  1. Hi there. Haven't stopped by your blog for some time, but when I saw that you needed to vent about parenting - I knew I wanted to read on! I can relate in that I'm so thankful for my rainbow baby (who is not old enough to walk or run away from me yet!), and parenting is hard. I guess being a BLM doesn't make parenting any easier. Shucks! :)

    I don't know if it would be helpful for you - but a new book that just came out that I'm loving is called "The Whole Brain Child". It talks about parenting with brain development in mind, and how to help your child manage their emotional right brain with their logical left brain, and other stuff too. I'm only a couple of chapters into, but it's easy to read and I like that it's research based. Just one suggestion (of which I'm sure you've heard many) to possibly help navigate this path of parenthood.

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  2. oh man. Were our girls separated at birth? My 4.5 yr old is the same way..Your sentence about people looking at you like you never discipline her is exactly how I feel. My daughter is really good in kindergarten which makes me wonder what are they doing that I'm not. Hang in there.

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