Thursday, December 15, 2011

bitter irony

I don't like my body. I'm sure you've noticed, I whine about it on here frequently. I haven't liked it for some time. I think I first started being unhappy with it in mid-2001. I was gaining weight and noticed that things I enjoyed were getting harder to do. I had also started to get some back pain. That's when I decided to do something about my dissatisfaction and hired a personal trainer. I was young, living with my parents, and had a good paying job, so it wasn't the outrageous expense it would be today. I was doing pretty well with it and getting into shape when I was rear-ended by a car going 40 mph on my way home from work. The impact was so hard that it shoved my truck across the entire road (I was stopped at a yield sign) and I distinctly remember my head bouncing off the headrest at least three times. One impact was hard enough to break the cartilage in my ear. I had severe whiplash along my entire neck and back and have never really recovered. I haven't had a pain free day since that accident and the days that aren't too bad are becoming fewer and farther between. I've become less and less active because it just hurts so much to do anything. One part of the irony is that if I can push through the pain I start to feel better. Working out actually causes the stiffness and inflammation to go down. I know this, but it is still extremely hard to make myself work towards a fitness goal. I've tried running a few times but keep getting injured doing other things and then giving up for months at a time.

I am getting to the point where I can no longer deny that I am overweight. I have read research that shows losing weight improves fertility and the kind of problems I have with my cycles. Just 20 pounds could make the difference in getting pregnant, or at least having a normal period. So knowing all this, why can't I get with the program? When I look at myself in the mirror I am disgusted. I don't like to see myself naked anymore and this has a significant impact on my relationship with my husband. I look like one of those fertility goddess figures with the giant sagging breasts and protruding tummy. The irony of THAT is not lost on me.

One of my fellow bloggers is trying to hold herself accountable to her fitness goals by publishing her weight every week. I think I may join her. I might not be able to post every week but I am going to buy a scale and start tracking. I am also going to take a picture of myself and tape it to my mirror, possibly along with one from high school when I was fit.

I don't always feel like I'm grossly fat. I know my weight is not really all that horrible, but I feel 30 years older than I am. I know being in shape will make many of my problems better, and maybe I could keep up with my five year old. If nothing else, maybe tracking will help me to resist the junk food when I am craving something sweet. My most recent cholesterol and blood pressure numbers were high. That is kind of a wake up call. My mother now has diabetes and high blood pressure. She is on so many medications I can't believe she has room for food. I don't want to live like that, so I am going to do something about it.

This time of year is hard. There is so much food everywhere and most of it is junk. On top of that I am depressed and looking for comfort. I have a pretty bad sweet tooth and little self control. I have never been able to eat just one snack size candy bar. If I have a bag of something I will eat all of it, no matter how many servings it contains. My first goal is going to be cutting way back on the junk. I don't really buy junk foods because I know I can't practice portion control, but it is all around me anyway. I need to teach myself how to avoid those traps. My first real test will be the Christmas party at work today. Four floors of nothing but junk food. EEK!

So anyway - Today I weigh approximately 183 pounds. I am tired all the time and my neck hurts so much I can't turn my head. I've done 30 minutes of yoga once this week and eaten a lot of candy. My goal for next week is 1.5 hours of yoga, two long walks, and at least one day without any junk food.


  1. Thanks for joining in! The more the merrier. I was rear ended by a car going full speed, too. I stopped at a red light. He did not. My injuries weren't as severe as yours, but I was so nervous riding in a car for a couple years after.

  2. The baby steps approach is the perfect way to go. Congratulations on making the move. One of the things I do when I start feeling out of control over my body & diet is to only drink water, even just warm water in place of tea or coffee. There is something about that that makes me feel healthier and then I start making healthier decisions about other things too.

    I like the idea of a no-junk day once a week. I will try that one too.

  3. Good on you! I know you can do it. Tiny steps will get you there, as long as you keep taking them.

  4. I think you are starting off with very good goals. You can do it!!!