Saturday, December 11, 2010

Coincidence? Or does the universe think it's funny?

The last time I ovulated - In august, it was the exact same day I ovulated and conceived Aiden. I was terrified of having the same dates in a subsequent pregnancy so I skipped that cycle. I was so mad. How can someone with such fucked up and erratic cycles ovulate on the same day two years in a row?

Then when I didn't ovulate again I was sure that was my very last chance and I blew it. I still don't know if that is true or not. I'm only 2 or 3 DPO so I could start bleeding again any day. So far things are looking okay. Which brings me to the next coincidence. The first day I can test, at 12 dpo, is the same day that we found out our son was dying last year. On the one hand, a positive pregnancy test - one that ends well - will probably do a lot to heal the wound caused on that day. But on the other hand, if it's negative, it's just another reason for that day to suck. And Christmas and New Year's will be that much harder.

God, I wish this was easier. I wish I could wake up, safely in 2011, with a positive test in my hand and this horrible year behind me.

To everyone that is also having a hard time this holiday season - peace and love healing to you.

3 comments:

  1. peace and love to you too. I wish there was some way to diminish the painful anniversaries. I have my fingers crossed for a bfp.

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  2. Yeah me too. I wish I could just fast forward through a few months and wake up in 2011 feeling my new baby bouncing around my belly. Instead I get to torment myself while waiting to test and then have to get throught the holidays, pregnant or not, without my what should be 5 month old baby. I hate my new life. Hope you get your bfp. Sorry if it falls on that day, but I still hope you get it.

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  3. Hugs. Big time hugs, girl. I'm thinking of you these next few weeks.

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