Or so the song goes.
I've been really angry that my whole pregnancy came down to one horrible, life-changing decision and in the trauma of those two weeks I lost all of the good moments in my pregnancy. I thought they were gone for good but I think maybe I just wasn't ready to see them.
All along there was a wonderful memory close to my heart, I just wasn't seeing it for what it was. My husband and I nicknamed our baby the little alligator. The name has stuck so that we even got a little stuffed gator to remember him by. The name comes from something my daughter said. I wish I could remember how far along I was, but one day we were laying in bed, my daughter and I, and I was asking her if she wanted a little brother or sister. She first said sister and then said brother and then said two sisters. I laughed and exclaimed, "Two! Do you think there are two babies in there?"
She giggled and told me there were two babies. Then her eyes got big and in a very dramatic voice she informed me that there were ALLIGATORS in my tummy. And they will BITE me! We laughed and tickled and moved on to other things. I thought that was freaking adorable and told everyone, and Aiden's nickname was born.
All this time I've been calling him my little alligator, without ever really connecting the joy of that day to the name. I remembered where it came from, I just couldn't remember the joy involved. It was like I just couldn't see the sunshine in that memory because the hole I was living in was so very dark. I lost all ability to even REMEMBER the sun, it became someone else's fantasy that I didn't really believe in.
Suddenly one day this week I was driving home and something made me remember that day. And I smiled. It was so odd, and so liberating. Maybe I will believe the sun is there. Maybe I can even see a ray or two.