Friday, October 29, 2010

Hiding

I've been hiding all week. I'm getting kind of sick of it. I knew this winter would be hard. I've started passing all the one year dates. One year since I found out I was pregnant has been and gone. My life has changed so fundamentally that it feels like much, much longer than a year. My relationship with my mother in law is completely destroyed. At the moment I have no desire to try to repair it. My faith that things can work out is gone. My belief in the basic goodness and kindness of most people is gone. Any comfort I had in my body is long, long gone.

This week has been pretty hard. I went to a three day professional conference in another town. I was really looking forward to the trip. I was stoked that I would get two uninterrupted nights of sleep and that I would get to go out and eat with some friends and not worry about much. Ha.

The very first thing that happened is that I sat down in the lobby across from a woman who looked about five months pregnant. Normally that just makes me a little sad, but I don't run away screaming. After all - that did work out for me once. Little did I know. As I was trying to ignore the conversation and congratulations, I hear her tell everyone her baby's name was Aiden. Fucking OW. I left. I went to my room and sobbed for an hour. I missed the only talk that evening and had to make up an excuse. The rest of the conference was spent worrying that I would hear that name again and get stuck listening to her talk about baby showers. There was another very pregnant woman there and I just couldn't seem to get away from them. In a conference with over 100 people, I ended up with them sitting very close to me at almost every talk I made it to.

Which brings me to today. Today is my office Halloween party. Last year at this party I hadn't told anyone but my boss that I was pregnant. There was a woman there who had what I thought was the coolest costume. She had glued a bunch of tentacles, eyes, and teeth to a white t-shirt that was stretched over her pregnant belly. There was red paint everywhere to make it look like a monster was bursting out of her stomach. Now I think that is morbid and gross but at the time I thought it was hilarious. I wanted so badly to tell everyone I was pregnant and do a cute costume like that, but I wasn't sure I was "safe" yet. I knew I couldn't go to that party this year and rather than try to make excuses, I just stayed home. I really do have a migraine but it normally wouldn't have stopped me from going to work.

We have plans to be gone during Christmas and New Years so I have more hiding to do. I've been really angry that all my dates have revolved around holidays but at the same time it gives me a great excuse to disappear. I wish I could just tell people - "I don't want to be happy today, my baby died" and have them understand and be sympathetic. But I don't trust that they will respond the way I need them to. The people that are supposed to love me and support me didn't - why should near strangers? So I'm hiding.

In other news - I haven't had a chance to post this and I'm kicking myself for it. I'm running the 5K for March of Dimes next week. I wanted to do something to help prevent what happened to us. More people should be aware that the standard dose of folic acid may not be enough so I am supporting the research that March of Dimes does to prevent birth defects like Aiden's. I put up a widget if anyway has some spare change to contribute. Well wishes are equally appreciated.

7 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry about all the difficult anniversaries. And a baby with the same name...
    Thinking of you.

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  2. This is a hell of a time of year even without the anniversaries. I'm so sorry Biojen and I'm wishing that these holidays are reminder free from here on out. That conference encounter was too in your face for words.

    I'm super stoked for your 5K run and wish you all sorts of luck. I'm training to do one in December!

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  3. FWIW, the stories you've shared re: your MIL are stunning--she sounds like an asshole beyond belief. Sorry she's in your life.

    Sorry, too for all the sad baby stuff. I feel myself sliding into a funk, wanting to hide myself away from nearly everyone. The thought of Halloween, Thanksgiving, and all the rest make my heart hurt.

    Thinking of you--especially as you run the 5k--good job. Hang in there, lady. You're one tough broad.

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  4. The one thing to hold onto is that those first anniversaries are harder than all the rest that will follow. None will be easy, but you'll have more practice dealing with the pain as the years go by. I hate that you had to go through such a horrible horrible experience, and that your family wasn't there for you and in many ways made it worse. I'm am so sorry, and know I'm thinking of you and hoping that the holidays go by as quickly as possible. GOOD LUCK ON THE MARCH OF DIMES WALK!!!

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  5. Oh Jen, I want so badly to buy you beer and hang out with you! I not much for hugging (real-life or cyber) but here's a nice pat on the shoulder and an open ear for you.

    Good Luck on your walk.

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  6. Your opening paragraph resonated so much with me.
    I'm sorry.

    Good luck on your walk.

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  7. i find it so hard to know that this time last year my baby was dead and i had no idea and wouldn't find out for another 23 days.

    thinking of you hon. xx

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