I fucking hate this country, and this state especially.
I'm so fucking angry that I had to go back to work 11 days after giving birth to a dead baby.
I'm so angry I had to hide what I was doing from even the hospital so that my baby was spared pain.
I'm so angry that I had to file bankruptcy because of the month of pay I did miss.
I'm so angry that because I filed bankruptcy I can't rent a larger house, which means I can't adopt more than one female child - of which there aren't any, by the way.
I'm so angry that I can't pursue fertility treatment because my insurance won't cover it.
I'm so angry that I can't afford couples counseling and my medical expenses AND the things that we need to be able to adopt.
I don't know where to go from here.
I'm so lost, unhappy, and overwhelmed.
I just want another child. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying so hard to have patience and faith that things will get better. I have never believed that what will be, will be. I have always fought so hard for what I wanted and right now it is grinding me into dust.
I need a partner and my husband is not being one. I don't know what to do because when we try to talk, we just yell. Couples counseling is so expensive and my last therapist went loony toons (seriously - I'm not talking about a mental breakdown, she is just nuts), so now I have to find another one.
It feels like I am trapped in quicksand. The more I struggle to make things better, the harder it pulls me in and the faster it suffocates me.
I knew this meltdown was coming. I tried to set aside a day for me to decompress and life again intervened. My husband has no idea (and yes, I have told him - repeatedly) how much I need this. He is hurt that I need to be away from him. How do I deal with that? Do I be a selfish bitch and take the time anyway? Do I beg? Do I ignore the impending explosion and hope it won't cause too much damage? There just doesn't seem to be any good answers.
I'm all ears if anyone has advice. How does a lifelong people-pleaser get through to a somewhat selfish and very insecure spouse that she just needs time to herself?