Friday, September 17, 2010

The land of the free and the home of the destitute

I fucking hate this country, and this state especially.

I'm so fucking angry that I had to go back to work 11 days after giving birth to a dead baby.

I'm so angry I had to hide what I was doing from even the hospital so that my baby was spared pain.

I'm so angry that I had to file bankruptcy because of the month of pay I did miss.

I'm so angry that because I filed bankruptcy I can't rent a larger house, which means I can't adopt more than one female child - of which there aren't any, by the way.

I'm so angry that I can't pursue fertility treatment because my insurance won't cover it.

I'm so angry that I can't afford couples counseling and my medical expenses AND the things that we need to be able to adopt.

I don't know where to go from here.

I'm so lost, unhappy, and overwhelmed.

I just want another child. Is that so much to ask?

I'm trying so hard to have patience and faith that things will get better. I have never believed that what will be, will be. I have always fought so hard for what I wanted and right now it is grinding me into dust.

I need a partner and my husband is not being one. I don't know what to do because when we try to talk, we just yell. Couples counseling is so expensive and my last therapist went loony toons (seriously - I'm not talking about a mental breakdown, she is just nuts), so now I have to find another one.

It feels like I am trapped in quicksand. The more I struggle to make things better, the harder it pulls me in and the faster it suffocates me.

I knew this meltdown was coming. I tried to set aside a day for me to decompress and life again intervened. My husband has no idea (and yes, I have told him - repeatedly) how much I need this. He is hurt that I need to be away from him. How do I deal with that? Do I be a selfish bitch and take the time anyway? Do I beg? Do I ignore the impending explosion and hope it won't cause too much damage? There just doesn't seem to be any good answers.

I'm all ears if anyone has advice. How does a lifelong people-pleaser get through to a somewhat selfish and very insecure spouse that she just needs time to herself?

5 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm so sorry. You have every right to be pissed off and so incredibly frustrated. You have been handed a raw deal and it is totally unfair.

    I don't have the right words, or really know what to say, but I do sincerely think that if you feel the need for some time to yourself you absolutely have to take it. Just take it. Your husband has to deal with it because you are at the point where you need to take care of you or you can't take care of anyone. He'll get over it. You have to trust that his love is strong enough to give you the space you need to get yourself into a better place. No one in their right mind could fault you for needing some emotional healing space, no matter how insecure and needy. I say try to explain in person again and if he really can't get it, just write a letter saying you love him and hope he can understand and forgive you, but that you have to go get your head back together. And go take the space and time you need. All of you will be the better for it.

    But keep in mind that I'm not an expert and haven't experienced the horrible things you've been through. So take my advice with a grain of salt. But it does seem pretty clear that you need some time and room to heal yourself. You've been to hell and back.

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  2. I agree with in between. You need to carve out that time, one way or another. I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this and that there are some many things happening at once :( My heart is breaking for you. I know you have been through so much in your life, you deserve a break already!!
    I am wondering if there are any therapists that are on your insurance or work on a sliding scale. There are often training instiutes (for therapists who already practicing but want more training) that offer very reduced fees. I am happy to help you find that if this exists in your area, just emaill me.
    I am thinking of you all the time. Sending love your way.

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  3. Oh no. Gosh your post is just so raw. I'm so sorry you have to deal with any of this.

    Financially too, this all just completely sucks. As if dealing with it all isn't enough, then to add the money aspect? It's not fair.

    Somehow, you need to get that time to yourself. It's what you need and you've recognized that. I don't know how you get your husband to understand but remember, it's not your job to get him to understand. That's up to him. If he can't understand, well, that's on him. That sounds so silly, because I know it's not that easy (coming from a people pleaser myself).

    Take care of you emotionally and your marriage emotionally above all else.

    I wish I had more to offer you. For now, I can only send you hugs and support. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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  4. Hi Jen

    I'm not sure what state you are in but have you looked into finding a therapist that works with a sliding scale? You could try posting the question of how to find a sliding scale therapist on ask.metafilter.com, which is a great resource for kind of specific questions like this one. Or you can email me (dailyamos.gmail.com) and I can do it for you because I already have an account.

    I wish I had more to offer than that feeble piece of information but unfortunately I don't.

    I went back to school and to seeing patients two weeks after my c-section because my school was hanging over my head the possibility that I was going to have to wait a year to graduate (I was only five weeks away from graduating a three year program at the time). Bureaucracy sucks and it seems to be inescapable. I'm sorry that your job is so inflexible and there is no respite in sight. I wish our society was more understanding of what it is we went through.

    I hope that you are able to get the time to yourself that you need and that your husband will acquiesce to your request.

    Best wishes.

    -Brianna

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  5. jen i just want to send you hugs. i wish i could do more.
    xxxx

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