Sunday, August 15, 2010

Dear body, I HATE YOU

I loath you. You suck. You really suck. If I could get to my ovaries they would be smashed up bloody grapes on the pavement. Maybe my uterus would be useful as crab bait.

This is just so fucking unfair.

I gave up; I wanted no more to do with this horrible waiting, and trying, and hoping, and not getting what I so desperately wanted. I FUCKING GAVE UP!!! Two rounds of clomid and a pathetic response. Over 40 ovulation tests in 3 months because you can't ever do something the same way twice (Oh - except today). Twenty some-odd negative pregnancy tests. Three years of trying for another baby. One dead fetus. Dozens of bloody days of excruciating pain. For nothing. For a tiny wooden urn filled with ashes.

And now, when I'm trying to move on, what do you do? On the one year anniversary of the conception of your most spectacular failure, after 48 days of really confusing signals - you give me the most positive OPK test EVER.

Some of you may be confused as to why I'm so angry. After all, a glaringly positive OPK to an infertile is pretty good, right? But, I planned from the very beginning of this mess to make sure a subsequent pregnancy didn't follow the same dates as Aiden. I realize it's superstitious and crazy, but I can't bring myself to get past the irrational fear. I don't want to relive every milestone and every date from my pregnancy with Aiden. I KNOW I would be a basket case. I also don't want a "do over" pregnancy, as if Aiden never existed and the last year didn't happen. I was freaked out on Friday because I thought I ovulated then, which wasn't the same date but really close. We had sex Thursday night and I told him that was it, I wasn't risking getting pregnant this cycle. That's with the laughable assumption that it would be that easy.

I'm angry because in the 7 years I've been using OPK's, I've never had a test where the line was darker. It has always been the same as the control. This test, on the one year anniversary of Aiden's conception, is REALLY positive. If it were any other month, I would jump at the chance to get pregnant. What if this never happens again? Why the hell is my body doing this? How is it possible for someone with such incredibly erratic periods, with an interrupted pregnancy, to ovulate on the same fucking day two years in a row? When I had a period in the middle of July I was crushed, but at the same time relieved that I wouldn't be dealing with mirror cycles. Now this. I'm too upset to even think about trying to conceive. Just the thought of it causes my heart to seize up in mindless terror.

And I gave up already!!

I absolutely cannot do anything to try to get pregnant right now. I am emotionally incapable. But I hate myself a little for not trying. And I hate my body even more for making this something I even have to think about.

7 comments:

  1. oh jen. i wasn't going to comment because i haven't had time to sit down and properly read your previous posts yet. but i had to tell you i was thinking about you. it's not fair. i understand (as much as anyone ever can).

    sending hugs and more tequila.
    xxx

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  2. Jen.
    I think this makes perfect sense and I can understand the feeling of a do over pregnancy, I am not sure I could manage being at the same place at the same time (different year). Not to be a downer, I am not sure that a darker line is any better, I think if you surge- you surge. This is why loathe those OPK and HPT, too much room for interpretation. I switched to digital for this reason, even though it costs much more money.
    I know this is such a hard time for you and I am sending you love and peace. Hang in there.

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  3. That just sucks and it's so awful that your body has to mess with your head like that.

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  4. the coincidence is really hard. If I were religious I'd be tempted to believe that Aiden was looking out for you and did this as a sign. But I don't know if you have those kinds of tendencies, and if that might give you some peace.

    This is all horribly difficult, and yes, unfair. Know I'm thinking of you.

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  5. How difficult, I can totally understand why you would be frustrated with your body right now. I hate the circumstances you are under.

    I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace and self love. huge (((HUGS)))

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  6. As always, thanks ladies.

    cgd - the reason I think this is "more" positive is that it's the first test I've ever been SURE was positive. Always before the test line has been the same shade as the control, which leads to a whole lot of squinting and wondering if that is really a positive test. It kills me that today, of all days in the last seven years, I get an absolutely positive sign. What the hell?

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  7. My husband and I went through a termination for medical reasons back in March, and I can totally understand not wanting to relive all the milestones from that pregnancy. But I'm sure you know, the coinciding dates issue is only one part of it. No matter when you get pregnant again (and I pray that someday you'll have another healthy child!) you will have to relive all the milestones that just come with the territory of being pregnant, i.e. ultrasounds, testing, etc. In other words, it's going to suck no matter what. I know this message is after the fact at this point, but I hope you're at peace with whatever decision you made this month. Best wishes

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