Monday, April 12, 2010

Yep, definitely denial

So now that the pain meds have worn off and I finally have an appointment, I realize that I am not okay with this.

My appointment is with pain management. I really hate that kind of practice because all they do is give you more and more drugs. In my experience they don't fix problems, they treat symptoms. I would like to do physical therapy but because I now have numbness I can't do that until I get an MRI. My appointment also puts me square on the wrong side of my ovulation date this cycle. Yesterday I was thinking it wouldn't be so bad to skip this cycle since originally I wasn't going to start until June, but now I am just angry.

I've been trying for years to get someone to do something useful about my back. I have always gotten the run around. I have been dealing with this for ten years so you would think that I would be resigned to having to fight for care. I'm not, though. I'm tired, sore, frustrated, depressed, and broken-hearted. I just don't have the energy to fight this too. Today I am so tempted to accept the drugs, quit work, and just live my days in a numb fog of pain and depression.

I need something to look forward to and I feel like I am betraying my family because they are not enough. I need a reason to fight for decent care and get better. Why isn't my daughter reason enough? She wants me to pick her up and is very upset that I am too hurt to do that. Why isn't that enough motivation to get up and fight?

I did call and try to get an appointment directly with an orthopedic surgeon that specializes in spinal injuries. I haven't heard back and I'm hoping they take patients from the ER without a referral. I hope this bought of depression doesn't last long. I need to be at work, we have already lost so much.

2 comments:

  1. Oh no. You aren't betraying your family. Not at all.
    You are grieving for Aiden, which is hard work in itself. You are raising your daughter, which is hard work in itself. You are working and worrying about your work, you are a wife, you are thinking of trying for another pregnancy and I'm sure there are a million and one other things going on too. AND you are in physical pain. On top of all that. Go easy on yourself. Some days it is too hard to fight on every front. Some days you have to pick your battles.

    I hope that you hear back from the surgeon. It just seem awful that you get pushed from pillar to post with this. Thinking of you xo

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  2. what catherine says.

    i find it hard to understand how terribly patchy healthcare in the US is.

    i hope you can get it sorted out.

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