Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I'm waiting

It seems like this whole reproduction gig is all about waiting. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the first appointment, the first heart beat, the first ultrasound. If you are unlucky there is more waiting. Waiting for amnio results, waiting for a second opinion, waiting for nature to take its course or for the medicines to do their job. After a loss is even more waiting. Waiting for the time to try again, waiting for more test results, waiting, waiting, waiting.

I am not good at waiting. I make myself crazy with what ifs and maybes. I very much resent this new waiting. I finally got an appointment with a family medicine DO. Hopefully he will order an MRI and I can find out if my back is fixable and what I am up against. Believe it or not surgery is probably the best case scenario right now. Given that I have already been in constant pain for 10 years, if this is not something that can be fixed with surgery then it will be "managed" with pills and/or physical therapy. With my current insurance and money situation that probably means very little progress and an indefinite delay in trying again.

I'm trying not to be too negative but I am used to doctors ignoring my pain and insurance companies being unwilling to cover procedures that actually work. If this is the level of pain I will have to deal with from now on there will be no more babies. I have to believe someone will do something. I can't give up. I feel like I need to hold a living infant to stitch up this hole in my being. I am scared that I am pinning all my hopes on my ability to bear another child. What if I can't? Will that failure be more crushing than Aiden's death was? I just don't know. And while I am waiting all I can do is wonder. Over and over and over again.

Whoopee.

4 comments:

  1. I hope you feel better soon and the dr has some real treatments for you. I am thinking of you all the time.....

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  2. thinking of you. i hope you can get sorted finally. that's FAR too long to spend in constant pain.

    waiting is no fun at all.

    i'm hopeful for you honey xxx

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  3. I'm not good at waiting either. Sometimes I feel as though this whole process was especially designed to drive me round the bend!

    I hope that you get the MRI soon. As you say, at least you will know what you are up against then. Hoping that it is something 'fixable' and that you can get the insurance company to agree.

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  4. Just got my period again and this resonates with me.

    Thank you for being so honest. After losing 6 babies it will be just a whole bunch of waiting. Not so much excitement, just waiting.

    I hate that.

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