It seems like this whole reproduction gig is all about waiting. Waiting to get pregnant, waiting for the first appointment, the first heart beat, the first ultrasound. If you are unlucky there is more waiting. Waiting for amnio results, waiting for a second opinion, waiting for nature to take its course or for the medicines to do their job. After a loss is even more waiting. Waiting for the time to try again, waiting for more test results, waiting, waiting, waiting.
I am not good at waiting. I make myself crazy with what ifs and maybes. I very much resent this new waiting. I finally got an appointment with a family medicine DO. Hopefully he will order an MRI and I can find out if my back is fixable and what I am up against. Believe it or not surgery is probably the best case scenario right now. Given that I have already been in constant pain for 10 years, if this is not something that can be fixed with surgery then it will be "managed" with pills and/or physical therapy. With my current insurance and money situation that probably means very little progress and an indefinite delay in trying again.
I'm trying not to be too negative but I am used to doctors ignoring my pain and insurance companies being unwilling to cover procedures that actually work. If this is the level of pain I will have to deal with from now on there will be no more babies. I have to believe someone will do something. I can't give up. I feel like I need to hold a living infant to stitch up this hole in my being. I am scared that I am pinning all my hopes on my ability to bear another child. What if I can't? Will that failure be more crushing than Aiden's death was? I just don't know. And while I am waiting all I can do is wonder. Over and over and over again.