Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I just want something . . .

I can never have.

I want my baby. I'm so sad and angry today. I haven't felt decent since last week. Throwing my back out on Friday probably extended this patch of deep grief. I couldn't go anywhere or enjoy the beautiful weather. It also didn't help that nothing is resolved at work yet, my nightmares are back again, my extremely painful period started yesterday (which fed into the nightmares, god I hate that), and I had to listen to a little boy happily nursing after he hurt himself. I remember those noises and how easy it was to fix a booboo at that age. The boob was magic. But not magic enough. Aiden never got a chance at that and I grieve for that too. They were ready and waiting but his body was already stuffed in a freezer somewhere.

It's weird, I'm fine around my friend's 5 month old but this baby, who is older, did me in. I guess it's because he is small like my daughter was and he has the coloring that I imagined Aiden would have. I always think of him as looking like me. Kira looks just like her daddy, she only got her eye color from me. I keep imagining that Aiden would have had the dark hair and olive skin. I sat next to the mom while she nursed and stared blankly at the movie, hoping I could hold it together until I had an excuse to leave. I still hear his contented little grunts in my head.

I just want to be somewhere else.
I want to stop crying.
I want the physical pain to stop.

I wish I had loaded my angry music on my ipod. I can't handle the sad music today. I kept poking my dammit doll in the face but the silly little smile was aggravating me so I turned it over.

I think I have cried more this week than the whole first month after Aiden died. The flood gate that Cheryl opened with her thoughtless complaining and lecturing has taken out the village below it and is headed straight for the big city. All the little hopes and moments of happiness I've built over the last three months have washed away. I don't have the energy to rebuild.

I know this gets better, but it's so hard to see from the bottom of this canyon. Damn this job anyway! It's fucking monstrous that I don't get sick leave and yet I work the same hours as everyone else. I can't go home because I lost so much time last week. Our account is already overdrawn and we don't get paid until Friday. I don't care much about money anymore but my daughter at least needs to eat. And I can't get to work if I can't buy gas.

*Edited to add: I just looked through my reader and realized that there were 3 births in the last week. All boys. I'm so happy those women got their live babies, but damn, that stings.


  1. Sending you love. Maybe you just need to let yourself feel down for a little while. I am here if you need anything.

  2. Sending you huge huge hugs. And I hope you find some angry music stat.

  3. Days like this are the worst...when you allow yourself to be honest and say out loud, "I just want my baby back." I have felt this way too on so many days. It hurts so much not being able to get something you want so badly.

    I hope you are able to find something that makes you smile today.

  4. They haven't washed away, not entirely.

    They are still there.

    Rebuilding won't take quite as long, this time round.

    And I will help, as much as I can from over here.

    I wish I could meet up with you.

    Hugs. I'm still thinking of you, more and more as May approaches. It's scary.

  5. Oh my dear. Hang on. I hope that there are a few remnants of that little place of hope left. I know it is hard to rebuild but I feel certain you will. In time.

    The situation with your job sucks. As if it wasn't enough that you had to work with that insensitive dolt they won't give you any sick leave?!

    Hope that life treats you more kindly this week. x