In therapy today I responded, "I don't know" when asked why I wanted to be pregnant again. My therapist gave me an assignment. I'm supposed to ask myself that question and I'm not allowed to say I don't know. She said to sit with myself in silence and let an answer come to me.
For some background - my therapist is very holistic. She thinks my recent back injury is related to my grief. I have thought that also. It's a pretty big coincidence that after 10 years of chronic pain I suddenly have a severe problem right in the middle of the worst part of my life. It could simply be that I have been more tense because I am stressed, but I wonder if it is more than that.
I told her I was angry that this injury has put off my plan to get pregnant again. We talked about how hard pregnancy is on me with my pain issues and that this injury would be unbearable while pregnant. She asked if I was afraid of being pregnant and of course I said yes, but she wondered if there was more to that fear than just the chance of something bad happening again. She wonders if my back injury was caused by my turmoil over deciding to try again. I have told her that I don't want to be pregnant, I just want the baby. But that is not totally true. I also have this feeling, more of a need, to finish the pregnancy. That was even how my husband put it, as if we could just pick up where we left off with Aiden. We know that's not how it works. Any future baby will not be Aiden, or replace Aiden, or even heal the hole left by his loss.
So why do we want to try again?