I've been doing better since yesterday. I think Catherine was right and I just needed to let myself grieve. But there is at least one thing that I think will always be hard. We stopped at Target to look for something for my daughter's 4th birthday. To look at the things for her we had to go through the baby section. The girl things don't bother me but the boy things always give me a strong pang of longing.
I've always thought the boy clothes were cuter. I am NOT a girly girl. You can have all the hearts and bows and butterflies, I'll take the bugs and safari animals any day. Now that preference makes it harder. I see the cute little monkey booties and I long for a little foot to put in them. I see the adorable green and brown bed set with a giraffe and I picture a small, dark-haired baby boy snuggled in. It gets me every time and there is little chance of avoiding it. I have to shop in that section to get clothes for Kira.
This longing is not very pleasant. It's a burning emptiness that I know will never quite be filled. I think I have decided to try again but I'm afraid now that I will be disappointed if it is a girl, and deathly afraid if it is a boy. Either way a hypothetical future child will not be Aiden, and I'm not sure I can ever accept that. Maybe that acceptance will come with time.
What about you? Do you accept that your lost baby is never coming back? Do you still have a feeling that this is all a bad dream?