Thursday, April 8, 2010

The bitterness of longing

I've been doing better since yesterday. I think Catherine was right and I just needed to let myself grieve. But there is at least one thing that I think will always be hard. We stopped at Target to look for something for my daughter's 4th birthday. To look at the things for her we had to go through the baby section. The girl things don't bother me but the boy things always give me a strong pang of longing.

I've always thought the boy clothes were cuter. I am NOT a girly girl. You can have all the hearts and bows and butterflies, I'll take the bugs and safari animals any day. Now that preference makes it harder. I see the cute little monkey booties and I long for a little foot to put in them. I see the adorable green and brown bed set with a giraffe and I picture a small, dark-haired baby boy snuggled in. It gets me every time and there is little chance of avoiding it. I have to shop in that section to get clothes for Kira.

This longing is not very pleasant. It's a burning emptiness that I know will never quite be filled. I think I have decided to try again but I'm afraid now that I will be disappointed if it is a girl, and deathly afraid if it is a boy. Either way a hypothetical future child will not be Aiden, and I'm not sure I can ever accept that. Maybe that acceptance will come with time.

What about you? Do you accept that your lost baby is never coming back? Do you still have a feeling that this is all a bad dream?

6 comments:

  1. I have thought these same thoughts a thousand times in the past week. Nothing we do will bring back our babies. I long for my future child so bad, but worry that it will mean I am erasing the memory of the baby I just lost.
    My heart hurts for you.
    I hope you and your family can find a happy way to celebrate Kira's upcoming birthday.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I found your site due to your comment on mine. I have read your words and the post with regard to the co worker....well unfortunately I can't find words to describe the "abomination" she is..... I am so sorry ....I lost my son 4 months ago but he was a young man but my dear friend has lost her baby after just a few months , just a few days after I lost my Chris .... our circumstances differ...but the pain this unbearable gut sucking, choking pain has a reality all of its own in our unreal reality .

    My keyboard in on an old wooden desk in the den and as I write tears flood down my face and drip onto the desk...I have just noticed that as I wiped away the moisture they leave that actually even a wooden desk bears the water marks of my loss and is more senstive that that "clod" of a co-worker . I wish I could help ease your way and that of the my dear friend but I can't I can only understand ..... as for it being a dream, I have said in the past four months that I prefer my nightmares as when I wake I realize that my reality is worse than any nightmare .... Loraine

    ReplyDelete
  3. There is an "expecting after termination for medical reasons" group on babycenter.com . It is full of "us". I am 34 weeks pregnant and almost a year post termination. I am on the 2o + weeks board. It's a great place. My screen name is pleasegiveme4. Feel free to message me. It is a very scary, extremely healing path to take and to have 35 women to help you along is vital.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am becoming more accepting of the fact that Gabe is gone forever. That point will really be driven home hard next month when we reach the point where he will have been gone longer than he was here.
    I know what you mean about shopping. I went into a local drugstore the other day to get a card for my cousin-in-law's upcoming baby shower. Right inside the front door was a huge Mother's Day display. I felt like someone sucker punched me. I almost turned around and walked back out, but I continued on to torture myself with the 'welcome baby' cards instead.
    I still wonder when I will wake up from this bad terrible horrible awful dream.
    Sending peaceful healing thoughts your way ~
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  5. i want to be pregnant again. i just wish i could have the first baby too.

    i wish so badly it was all a bad dream.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I still have moments where I think this can't possibly be my real life at a year and some out.

    I think there is always something that hits me over the head with my loss. Boy clothes do it for me as well. It doesn't help that my surviving twin wears some of her brother's clothes that she refuses to give up.

    I wish peace for you.

    ReplyDelete