Today is an important day so I'm going to leave the journey so far stuff for a little bit. In about an hour I have an appointment with my GYN to get my first prescription of Clomid. I've been on Metformin for three months and it has regulated my cycles to a point but I am still bleeding 3-7 days after ovulation, which if you know your infertile stuff, means I can't get pregnant (odds are against it, anyway).
I'm scared this is the end of the road. If the clomid doesn't work, that's it - no more babies. Maybe ever. I can't go to an RE, my insurance doesn't cover it and probably never will. We live paycheck to paycheck. I can scrape up the money for the meds but not for the follow up tests or even supporting tests (ultrasounds, hormone checks, etc.). Insurance won't cover any of it. They are fooled into covering this appointment because I have PCOS which they are willing (reluctantly, I'm sure) to cover.
The worst part is that I didn't want to go this route. I wanted to give up on my stupid body and just adopt, but we can't do that either. Private adoption is way out of the question financially. But even foster care adoption is not possible right now. After both of us being out of jobs for half a year we are in heavy, heavy debt for the next ten years. Foster adopt requires that we take parenting classes and have a home study. Both of these are out of pocket until the adoption is finalized in addition to the expense of childcare while we are taking the classes. We just can't come up with thousands of dollars. I suspect we would fail a home inspection anyway because we could only afford a two bedroom apartment. I don't want to limit ourselves to one girl just because we don't have the room.
I'm so angry - I just wanted two children. They don't even have to be from my body. With crappy insurance and no real job opportunities, even with an advanced degree, I feel like I wasted my education and have no real purpose. Don't get me wrong - I'm extrememly grateful for my daughter. I just didn't think it was asking too much to want another baby/child.